Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Cancer

Thank you all for your support. I needed and need it. I am trying to type up here amongst the boxes and debris. The detritus of my life. We can't find any of the mouse pads so are using some magazine about WWII. And it sticks. No storm windows so window is blocked off with a blanket. Dog is snoring. She is happy to be where ever I am. Am having awful email troubles. Can't get to it. We are supposed to be totally wireless on Friday. Means new email address. Maybe then I will be able to access the old messages. There is not one thing in my life untouched by this move. I have no center....

I am apparently trying to create a chocolate nougat one. Washed down a bag of chocolate covered pretzels with a jar of salsa yesterday. God help me, I thought I was done with all of that. I weighed 191 this am. That is ten pounds up. What if it doesn't stop? Will I weigh 250 again? I feel helpless and frightened. I have seen how people, who thought their cancer was cured, react when they are told "new spots were found." That would be me. The life threatening fat is back in spite of all my efforts. I don't seem to have any fight left in me. I can not get back to my food plan. I buy the healthy stuff, and then we go out for greasy hamburgers. The healthy stuff rots and I throw it out. Season of cheer is not helping me either.

I hate Christians who gripe and moan about Christmas. I currently hate me. I wish the damn day would just arrive already so we could be done with it! I am fat and in debt, I have a busted nose and the house smells like a kennel. (Mark says the cats are administering justice on the carpets.) I am ready for the new year.

Sorry about the pissing and moaning. I am trying to be cheerful but it is heavy (no pun) sledding at the moment. Had a massage yesterday. Almost couldn't stand for her to touch the returned blobs of fat. She told me all my chakras were totally shut down. Yeah, and my feet hurt too. Said I had no energy flow at all. What to do I enquired? "Have more fun" she said. I began to laugh and laughed until I peed. I am stony broke and up to my neck in cardboard cartons and cat urine and she tells me to "have more fun." And you know what, she is absolutely right. I have been working like a slave for almost four months now. No time off, just solid work. No wonder I am eating. A girl has to have a little pleasure in life.

So what to do? Beats me. A therapist once told me that at first nothing is ever as fulfilling as your fix. That would be me. My addiction/compulsion is at full throttle. At present nothing seems like fun but food. But that can change. I will take Dog-dog for walkies in a new place and get a fresh perspective. I will scrub kitchen floor (will make me feel A LOT better). I will read some blogs. And that is enough for today.

Thanks for listening. Take care. Love Bea

P.S. Do you all think those "diet dinners" make you hungry? I think they may be part of my problem. I am okay until I eat one at noon, and then it is downhill all the way.

P.s.s. Arlene don't fast. Never works. Get books, read books, start slow. Vickie and her "Baby Steps" is the way to do it. Cindy at "I Surrender" also goes at it in small steps. Now, with that good advice in mind, I myself am thinking of wrapping up in plastic wrap and getting into a sauna. Maybe the fat will melt.


T said...

Although I have been pathetically noncommunicado I have read every one of your blogs. In some cases I have relived memories with you. At other times I have just enjoyed keeping up with what is going on in your life. I have rejoiced, grieved and stressed with you. I would love to reconnect. When you get an e-mail you can contact me at if you want. I love you, I miss you and hope you do have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Cindy164 said...

"Diet" anything makes me hungry. But I am prone to wanting more food at any time. You have been traumatized lately and need tender loving care. I laughed with you on the having fun thing. Sheeesh. I wish I could fly you out here and have a girl's night. Stay in, watch silly comedies, paint our toenails and swap war stories. I have plenty of war stories, and if I run out I can tell you other people's war stories changing the names to protect the innocent, of course. do you still have my e-mail address? it's on my blog. if you e-mail me your telephone no. I will call you with encouragement. I am just glad to hear from you and that you are online again!!

Cindy164 said...

Speaking of pets, remind me to tell you about my birds. I had an impulse buy and got a snazzy new male parakeet and things are out of control now in the cage...My house is a zoo all the time with furry and feathered animals outnumbering people.

arlene said...

Thanks Bea ... sounds like good advice. Just received notification from Amazon they have dispatched my Kay Sheppard books (I got the bite one as well as her last one) so if you can loose 65 lbs on that, there has to be something good coming and I have to pay attention. By your previous writings I thought you had gained much more weight than a little more than 10 lb, must have been mirroring my own desperation. I sometimes wonder whether we are like chameleons and our moods are completely reflected in our weight loss and weight gain. My body must be telling me something and I am not listening properly as part of me is disconnected and not present here! I have a feeling you are going to be OK. In my own experience (perhaps mirrorring again) it is when you do not panick anymore and "become numb" that it really becomes a problem. Looking forward to Kay Sheppard .... and more blogs ..... ar :>)

arlene said...

PS: You are right about the lunch triggering something. I have the same experience. I have had that as long as I can remember even in my teenager days. If I have lunch I seem to crave things immediately after and it keeps on spiralling in an obsessive food focussed way. I seem to remember when I replaced lunch with a good quality "balanced" high protein meal replacement Shake, such as "The Zone" ones, that used to work for me. I was satisfied and even forgot about food (heavenly bliss!!!! feeling) ar :>)

Anonymous said...

Dear Ethel,

I am soooo glad you are back among the internet connected, I have really missed you! Hold on tight, I too am struggling with weight gain, 8 pounds. So far I figure it's a pound a party. At one point I thought 'Oh *$&%^ it' (that's the best keyboard cursing I can do)! I then thought, I know what that feels like and looks like and I don't want to go back there. So I am holding on, doing the best I can, which isn't great right now. I am holding on and being kind to myself, staying connected to the feelings that over eating brings to my body. There is something intrinsic to chocolate and my digestive tract that occurs subglottically. Supraglottically, tastes great and wonderful then, well it's all downhill and shit happens. I am doing the best I can right now because fear and self loathing has never been beneficial in this arena for me. Cuddle a cat, with the dog at your feet, have a wonderful cup of hot cider and look at that view.

Welcome back!
Love, Ethel

Vickie said...

I had a cat that did the same thing (urine) with a new baby - hate to tell you but she never stopped once she started. When we went to replace carpets - it was everywhere.

Someone else might tell you "it is just 10 lbs, don't fret" - personally I don't say don't worry about it - but I will say don't paralyze yourself - for every action that is an equal and opposite reaction.

I suggest to look at it as a yellow light just getting ready to turn red - your warning to slow down.

You might consider eating lunch as your big meal. My breakfast and lunch are my largest meals and very balanced between protein/starch/veggies or fruit - then often I eat a high veggie dinner.

I think that something visual with the water helps a lot too - like filling a pitcher and drinking it down during the course of the day.

Walking outside several times a day is a GREAT idea. Teach the dog to walk at your side and not tangle you so that you two can walk FAST/EVEN.

You can't unpack 100% of the day - in my opinion - and expect to eat right or get exercise or stay sane. Plan unpacking into your day - for example - set a timer (if you can find one) for a set amount of time 1/2 hour or 1 hour for example - and go at it full blast for that time - and when that time is up - you are DONE with that.

There are times that I can deal with outside food and times I can't. When I can't - I say to hubby - struggling with food right now - don't offer me anything, don't make outside food easy or okay, don't enable.

If you have found the oven bags or the crock pot - you might consider getting something ready early in the day - beef stew with lots of veggies for example. I don't put starch IN stew or roast - but cook a baked potatoe or rice or beans seperately so that I can measure and add it. Does your freezer have a stock of beans and rice that you can add to things? If you have found the crock pot - this is something that you easily do - because you don't have to stand there and stir/cook - the nice crock pot does it all for you.

You are probably going to go through the gas/tummy thing again - don't let it paralyze you.

Don't make impossible lists in your mind - pick one or two things that you CAN do and then just work on those - don't try to build a huge castle - all in one day.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Vickie said...

par·a·lyze (pr-lz)
tr.v. par·a·lyzed, par·a·lyz·ing, par·a·lyz·es
1. To affect with paralysis; cause to be paralytic.
2. To make unable to move or act: paralyzed by fear.
3. To impair the progress or functioning of; make inoperative or powerless: strict regulations that paralyze economic activity.

tiger said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.