Thank you all for your support. I needed and need it. I am trying to type up here amongst the boxes and debris. The detritus of my life. We can't find any of the mouse pads so are using some magazine about WWII. And it sticks. No storm windows so window is blocked off with a blanket. Dog is snoring. She is happy to be where ever I am. Am having awful email troubles. Can't get to it. We are supposed to be totally wireless on Friday. Means new email address. Maybe then I will be able to access the old messages. There is not one thing in my life untouched by this move. I have no center....
I am apparently trying to create a chocolate nougat one. Washed down a bag of chocolate covered pretzels with a jar of salsa yesterday. God help me, I thought I was done with all of that. I weighed 191 this am. That is ten pounds up. What if it doesn't stop? Will I weigh 250 again? I feel helpless and frightened. I have seen how people, who thought their cancer was cured, react when they are told "new spots were found." That would be me. The life threatening fat is back in spite of all my efforts. I don't seem to have any fight left in me. I can not get back to my food plan. I buy the healthy stuff, and then we go out for greasy hamburgers. The healthy stuff rots and I throw it out. Season of cheer is not helping me either.
I hate Christians who gripe and moan about Christmas. I currently hate me. I wish the damn day would just arrive already so we could be done with it! I am fat and in debt, I have a busted nose and the house smells like a kennel. (Mark says the cats are administering justice on the carpets.) I am ready for the new year.
Sorry about the pissing and moaning. I am trying to be cheerful but it is heavy (no pun) sledding at the moment. Had a massage yesterday. Almost couldn't stand for her to touch the returned blobs of fat. She told me all my chakras were totally shut down. Yeah, and my feet hurt too. Said I had no energy flow at all. What to do I enquired? "Have more fun" she said. I began to laugh and laughed until I peed. I am stony broke and up to my neck in cardboard cartons and cat urine and she tells me to "have more fun." And you know what, she is absolutely right. I have been working like a slave for almost four months now. No time off, just solid work. No wonder I am eating. A girl has to have a little pleasure in life.
So what to do? Beats me. A therapist once told me that at first nothing is ever as fulfilling as your fix. That would be me. My addiction/compulsion is at full throttle. At present nothing seems like fun but food. But that can change. I will take Dog-dog for walkies in a new place and get a fresh perspective. I will scrub kitchen floor (will make me feel A LOT better). I will read some blogs. And that is enough for today.
Thanks for listening. Take care. Love Bea
P.S. Do you all think those "diet dinners" make you hungry? I think they may be part of my problem. I am okay until I eat one at noon, and then it is downhill all the way.
P.s.s. Arlene don't fast. Never works. Get books, read books, start slow. Vickie and her "Baby Steps" is the way to do it. Cindy at "I Surrender" also goes at it in small steps. Now, with that good advice in mind, I myself am thinking of wrapping up in plastic wrap and getting into a sauna. Maybe the fat will melt.