Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Power Full or Pity Full?

"Beggars can't be choosers," my family motto. "You can be pitiful or powerful. You can't be both." My desired motto. There is a war going on inside me.

I am not a victim. I am not a beggar. I am a powerful chooser. Do you think if I say this often enough it could come true?

In the comments section of the last post Vickie recommended a self defense class. I thought about it. My thoughts were, "What would be the point in that? If attacked I could/would never win and the attack would then be just that much worse." Gad. This kind of "stinking thinking" has poisoned my whole life. I know its origins, AND I WANT TO GET RID OF IT.

I was beaten, defiled and broken as a child. Some days I am amazed I can walk and chew gum at the same time. The abuse has colored my whole world. It is the reason I believe I can't fight back and WIN against attackers ... or cheesecake. It teaches you not to fight back. I don't want to be cracked. I want to be whole. I want to fight back. I gotta get some help.

I am born of a long line of victims. People who let life grind them to a pulp and never fought back. I was adopted by an amazing woman who was victimized but FOUGHT BACK with every ounce of her strength. She taught me how to fight back. Her main teaching was to give your fight to God and let him assist in the battle. I have been trying to do this for thirty years but...I am scared to death of God. He seems mean and unreliable. (God forgive me.)

All that business about having little children come unto Him, juxtaposed with turning the other cheek and giving your coat away just confuses me. God my loving protector who demands I be abused in the name of Christianity? I guess I believe no one can protect me. God won't and I can't. See, I told you I need help, spiritual and psychological. This round robin victim thinking is entrenched in me and I know it is WRONG.

But...I have enjoyed the many perks of victim hood. I get to be special. Not as much is expected of me. (In fact nothing. I was always pointed out as a miracle child for being smart enough to cross the road without being run over.) I get to evade responsibility. I get to believe I have no control over what happens to me. I get to hate myself. I get to contemplate suicide (without having any real intention of doing it.) I get to be fat.

I want to get some help to accept God's love, figure out how to shoulder the burden of my past, determine how and when to fight back, and to learn to recognize I have choices in life.

That's all. That's enough. Bea.


Cindy154 said...

On victim-hood - To your question - "Did your giving up of the victim role come with the weight loss or was it the cause of the weight loss? Was it gradual or did you wake up one morning and just suddenly know, "Hey I've got some choices here?" Inquiring minds want to know..." I have to say it was gradual is still in progress. If I had to pin it down right now I'd say that my relationship with myself started to change and that changed my eating/weight which helped me change even more my relationship with myself, which helped even more with the weight loss. Hopefully that makes sense. I had to learn to trust myself, treat myself better and accept myself, forgive myself, and make peace. It's all in my blog come to think of it. Because I was just beginning when I started blogging......And I am still learning to trust myself and be responsible with finances and men, etc. More will be revealed. Who knows? maybe I will even clean my room soon.

Vickie said...

You wrote: "I don't want to be cracked. I want to be whole. I want to fight back. I gotta get some help."

So it sounds as if you need someone to show you, teach you how to help yourself - ???

That is what my therapist does - she doesn't fix me - she gives me perspective on doing it myself.

Vickie said...

I am making a note to ask my therapist about this. My first reaction would be to say that I do NOT see myself as a victim - but sometimes I am surprised by what SHE sees or has to say - so I will ask and report back to you.

Annimal said...

You write with such passion and fire. I think you are on the right road. If I heard apathy, I'd be worried.
I think it's perfectly OK to question our Christian Lord. We read "all prayers are answered" and "God knows our needs". Oh yea?
What about my prayer for the last 27 YEARS to help me with my weight? Huh? What about that GOD! and no, I haven't asked to wake up looking like Madonna, I've always just asked for help with the task.
All prayers answered? I haven't quite bought that one.

L.G. said...

I think Vickie has some good comments about a therapist. I don't see you as a victim because you do fight, you do resist. It's just hard to do 24/7 and hopefully you don't have to do that 24/7 either.

I don't think it's wrong to question God. Even Jesus felt abandoned, remember? I have a problem with wanting to be positive and yet seeing the ugliness in the world. It's hard for me to reconcile and I haven't lived through any really bad ugliness really. So I can imagine how hard it is for you to try and be whole and be powerful.