Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Self Centered

Thanks for all the comments. I am still confused about my reaction to what felt like way too much attention from men. I am sure my anxiety has to do with the sexual abuse and its long term implications in my life.

And now for the fat implications. When I first lost weight I was delighted with the renewed male interest. Not so a year later. Now it just pisses me off. And it may also be stopping further weight loss. I hate feeling exposed and vulnerable. Somewhere along the line I lost the delight with being thinner and found the fear of being thinner. I am comfortable being fat. I know who I am fat. Thinner I was lost. (I know this is not a new story for any of you.) I fear the power thin gives a woman. I am not used to feeling powerful and the feeling unnerves me.

So much for my great insight.

We got the garage painted. Yeah. Mark has been gone for the past three days and I have spent them all mowing the lawn. Phooey. Two hours a day with an electric mower is all I am good for. I still have two more sections to do. I am too uninterested in gardening for this much lawn.

Much thinking to do about my not really wanting to be thinner. Good thing I have so much lawn to mow, huh?

Take care. Love Bea


Cindy154 said...

All that lawn mowing will make you thinner. Men freak me out. Period. Not men I work with or men at the gym or men on the street or in their cars. Men who I get involved with mainly. I have the Louise Hay books about changing your life and thoughts. She has a section about physical stuff and why we have it. For overweight she has something like feeling unprotected - I am going from memory so I am a bit off, but it is the same thing you are writing about really. I wrote about it in my cornfield revelation phase posts over a year ago, last July. I think we learn to trust ourselves slowly. It is me that I need to trust. And the whole healing thing is gradual, too. I am not sure how to explain it all, since it is dawning on me and I am not finished yet.

Nory Roth said...

Ahhh.....the Zen of the lawn mower. Those straight lines forming in perfect succession. A very good way to meditate. I used to spend that time in prayer -- whatever popped into my mind, I prayed about. I miss those walking meditations. Now, I tend to go over the "to do" list in my head, and I don't find the chore nearly as fulfilling as I used to.

Cindy, it's funny you should mention Louise Hay -- been meaning to read some stuff like that! Must be the "nudge" I needed. Thanks.

Vickie said...

My aunt and uncle keep goats - to mow the lawn. This has always cracked me up for some reason.

Wonder if you might benefit from a self defense class. Not that anyone is attacking you in that sense - not that you would then go around with your new found skills clobbering men - but it might be nice to know you could.

Annimal said...

I wonder if some of your issue is what Jen posts about in AFG July 28th, bullet point #6. (man that post was great, the responses were outstanding)
How many of us with lifelong weight/invisibility issues really trust what our sexual boundaries may be if met with multiple temptation? Will I suddenly be disgusted with my hubby's pot belly and get uncontrollable urges toward the UPS man?
It is a valid question. I know you, (like my own situation), are very happy with your marriage and life wouldn't be worth it-fat or thin- without your partner.
When you add in the sexual abuse in your past, I can certainly see why the evening was so frightening.

L.G. said...

I think we're used to being seen one way and we've built up a repetroire of what to say when, "_____" when we're fat. We have lots of snarky comebacks, able to hide, pretend we didn't hear anything, etc. But when we're thinner and men find us more attractive, it's flattering but strange.

I love what Annimal wrote about if we lose weight, what happens (and we do have an attractive UPS man at my workplace). That's probably one reason why some women who try to lose weight get sabotaged by their SOs. It's too scary to them too (the SOs, I mean).

It's not just feeling more powerful but I've found as I've lost weight, I've lost the ability to blame things on my weight. If I get rejected for a job, it's because of my salary, how I interviewed, etc. but not because I'm morbidly obese. Or, if my BF dumps me, it won't be because I'm fat but because of ME, personally. So that's scary. It's easy to blame the fat and ignore the rest of us.

I've been thinking a lot about your comment on my post; I haven't forgotten. I was going to post something on AFG later.

Mowing can be a Zen thing but it's good for your legs.