Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

My family motto.

This statement beats in my blood. And has for generations. It sucks the life right out of me. It makes me give in and give up and whine. And I am strong and tough. Very tough. Like a rock. I will hunker down and "take it" and I will survive. I will eke out some little joy in life and I will survive. But I will ultimately remain one of life's "havenots."


No one talks about slave mentality anymore because it is hard to couch it in politically correct phrases. But slave I was and slave I remain. My body may be free now but I was owned for many years body and soul. My soul still remains in bondage.

Vickie and Cindy both recently talked about empowerment. I read their free soul posts, bowed my head, and cried. I may never have their sense of empowerment.

How do you break chains of unworthiness? My sense of needing to be "beholden" to everyone started in the womb. I am "just damn lucky" Mom could not abort me. I am "just damn lucky" relatives partially cared for me as an infant. I am "just damn lucky" I was smart enough to take care of both of us when I was a toddler. I am "just damn lucky" relatives and foster homes fed and clothed me as a child. I am "just damn lucky" I was adopted by someone when I was a teenager. I am "just damn lucky" I got to go to nursing school." I am "just damn lucky" I could support myself and did not cave to sex, drugs and rock and roll as a young woman. I am "just damn lucky" my suicide attempts did not work in my thirties. I am damn lucky Mark wanted to marry me. I was no prize. I am damn lucky Mentor Mary found me in my forties and helped me. I am "just damn lucky" to not have to go out every day to support myself. I am "just damn lucky" to have lost some weight. I do not feel entitled to any of my blessings.

This is a stupid way for anyone to live. How does one get a sense of entitlement/empowerment? The assurance that "I have a right to an abundant life?" I do not want a life without problems, I want a life in which I feel empowered to overcome problems and thrive. I want to feel like I deserve a good life. I am sick of going through life on my knees grateful for every sop God and man are willing to toss my way.

Phooey. Bea


Anonymous said...

hmmmm this is a great question. i wish i had an answer. i was in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage for 15 years. i've been out for 5 years. but how i turned my life around, my emotional well-being and giving myself credit for what i accomplished... i'm not sure. it just sorta happened. maybe i stopped looking for approval from everyone else (since I always wanted that from the ex) and just took the plunge and did what i wanted regardless.

Cindy in CO

Annimal said...

Do you have a target near you? I found a t-shirt yesterday that I really want you to have. Seriously. Give me your address and I'll send it to you. It says:
"I really am a Big Deal"
(love it, love it, love it!)
Fake it til you make it baby.
Confidence comes from within. It's not given to you.

Vickie said...

I have absolutely no answer - but agree that it is a good question.

I suppose everythings starts and progresses one tiny step at a time. And I think therapy is always a good suggestion (for us all).

The word 'overcompensating' kept popping into my mind all day today.

As in I don't feel comfortable or natural in situations so I overdo and my overdoing makes me feel uncomfortable in the situation - (not the situation itself).

I suppose this is some form of pushing too far, too fast.

Not sure what it means exactly but I thought about it all day.

Bea said...

At 198 I am not sure I could wear a t-shirt over my large boobs proclaiming, "I am a BIG deal." tee hee We are going to Pocatello next week and they have a Target.

I am an over-compensator to the max. Can't think why.