Thursday, April 9, 2009

Going It Alone

Thank you all for the suggestions. I printed them off so when it is 7pm and I can't think of anything to do other than watch t.v. I have a referral sheet.

Suggestion, "write more." (Thanks Cindy.) What a thought. I started this blog so I would...write more. Have I done that? Nope. I want to get a computer of my own. Husband has this one set up to his tastes and barricaded by his junk. I have to climb over stuff to get to his chair and then clear his stuff off his keyboard. I have not wanted to spend the money to get a computer for just me. This is not his work computer. He uses it to play games and listen to Rush most evenings. Mark makes the money so I figure he should get to spend the lion's share of our surplus on fun stuff for himself. I made up this rule, not him. And then I resent him for taking full advantage of the rule. Foolish me.

I went to Jackson yesterday with a new friend. She also has weight issues. We talked about fat for hours. We went to Coldwater Creek to shop. I went into the same dressing room in which I had my "freak out" two years ago. I am now twenty pounds heavier than I was then. I got a bunch of XL's and tried them on. Some fit, most did not. I then went and got the 1X's. They fit. It was seriously painful but I forced myself to look at my bod objectively. I look like a 52 year old woman who weighs 198 lbs. Could be better, could be worse. I found some nice clothes. I didn't buy any of them. Fatter or thinner, I need to figure out my style before I purchase any more clothes. Odd thing, there was a woman in the changing room next to me who had just lost 60 pounds. She had half the store stock and two clerks in that room with her. She could not figure out what looked good on the new figure. It was deja vu all over again. She did not know who she was without the pounds. I thought about trying to help her but there was no room for me in the crowd.

All this activity plus the Star Jones interview on Oprah has set me to thinking. WE need each other. Getting fatter or thinner we need each others' wisdom and support. Who else but someone with a similar experience can sympathize with the newly thin woman who is depressed because she has literally lost half of herself. And the familiar half at that. Society assumes weight loss is all gravy. ( I could not resist the pun.) We know different. Who else but someone who has been there can bring you more 1X's when you thought you were still wearing XL's and laugh, or at least grimace, with you. Who else but someone who has been there can encourage you to get a cup of the vegetable soup rather than a vat, and half of a pesto sandwich rather than a cheeseburger to go with it. You guessed it, only someone who is also considering half a cheesecake for luncheon. We need each other.

In this spirit my new friend and I discussed ways we could support the women we know who have compulsive eating issues. There is not much help here for hardcore eaters. There is plenty of help out there for those who can save themselves. Some of us, and you know who you are, can't. I am looking into setting up an OA group at our church. AA already meets there. I have made an appointment with the pastor and am looking online for resources. I can no longer struggle with this alone.

Yesterday for supper I et raw veggies, a bowl of vegetarian chili and a beanie brownie, Lord have mercy. By the by, my new friend was surprised to hear that I had a weight problem. She said she had never thought of me as fat!!!!

Take care of yourselves, love Bea.

P.s. Congratulations Nory Roth on 30 pounds gone!!!!


Helen said...

Isn't it funny how other people see us? It shocks me when anyone actually comments on my body...positive or negative...because I am so delusional both ways! ;-)

Cindy...154 said...

My kids tell me that I was not THAT big when I was at my top weight. I found plenty of clothes and had my own style of sorts. I don't think we ever see ourselves as others do. People noticed when I lost, though. I am so glad we all have each other. It is an amazing thing I have found here, the support and friendship. I am sticking with this blogging and all you guys. Some day I want to visit you in the mountains,and I want to connect the dots on the map of all my blogging pals. A road trip or something. I am glad you are posting more. My plan this week has been to hole up in my room with the computer and blog once dinner and interacting with the kids is finished. The kids can come see me in my safety zone. I am staying away from the kitchen, not even going on the same level. Staying upstairs. I have to do something to break the evening eating and so far it is working..Ask hubby for a laptop, I bet he'd go for it. You could get a simple one, you don't need it for gaming. You could sit and write anywhere. When you need to go online you'd probably need to plug up but then you could cut and paste your posts that you prepared lounging on the couch, in bed, your favorite chair or wherever. Maybe there's a wireless signal out there... just a thought. I like my laptop. You may eve be able to pick one up second hand or for a deal somewhere. You deserve it.

daisyk said...

I love that "never thought you had a weight problem" thing. It's tolerable in this instance because it comes from someone with the same problem -- she probably has so little body reality that no other body is quite real either unless it's truly bizarre.

Having no body reality means having no idea of how pretty one is, either. How lovely a smile is on any face, how amazing emotions are, how a color can pop one's eyes into blazing glory.

We do need each other. That's what blogging has proven, as well as the Rooms. Many 12-step programs have online & phone meetings as well. If you want help navigating the various programs & options, just be in touch. & good luck -- you will never cry or laugh so hard as with other people who've done it all as well.

Yoshiki Saito said...

Hello.My name is yoshiki
from Japan. I always print your post out and study English by your Blog. Thank you. I have a question.
As to "lion's share", I looked it up in the dictionary but it doesn't say anything about it.
Could you tell me what it means?
Is it a idiom?


Nory Roth said...

Hey Bea! Thanks for the congrats! It is great to be in "one"derland again. Very tenuous victory though. Without the strict vegan rules, and the Lenten fast, I find that I have relapsed a bit. I've just gotta get back on that horse, and ride him 'til he gets me where I want to go!

BTW -- Yoshiki -- good to see you here! You'll find some really great writing. And, yes, "the lion's share" is an idiom. It is something which occurs in nature. The female lions do most of the hunting for the pride. However, the male lions take MOST of the kill for themselves because they are bigger and stronger than the females. Thus, taking the lion's share is all about taking more than you really "should" and more than you truly deserve.

tiger said...