It has been snowing for ten days off and on. I have quit watching the weather. None of the locals pay any attention to it. After two and half years I know why. There is only so much you can know about snow. Either it is snowing or it isn't. Phooey.
Did anyone else watch Star Jones on Oprah? Wow what an interview. This interview strengthened my desire to find out who I am without my fat enclosure. The thin Star who was on Oprah was an entirely different woman from the fat Star of the View. Quieter. Calmer. Less arrogant. No longer the life of the party. Nicer.
In our country fat impinges on our basic personality structures. Who can daily live with prejudice and not be changed by it. We adapt to the hatred by shutting down some parts of our personalities and overplaying other parts. It is hard to just be ourselves. Frequently the the personality adaptations are unconscious. We don't even know who we might be without our cocoon. This happened to me. I am convinced part of my regain is due to an incident in the dressing room of Coldwater Creek.
I went in to buy a skirt two years ago. I was by myself. Husband was shopping on his own and I was supposed to meet up with him in half an hour. I was rushed. I grabbed some denim skirts and some black skirts. Gathered skirts on an elastic band. Nothing special in the lot. I was jumping in and out of them and not liking anything when a sale's clerk offered to help me. This should be a scream I thought and I said yes to get her to leave me alone. She arrived with an armful of fluted knee length skirts with waist bands, and in sizes and colors I did not wear. I wear only long dark colored elastic waist skirts. I tried on the brown herringbone. I had no hips. My belly looked flatter and my short stubby legs looked longer and thinner. "What you need is a turtleneck and a vest to go with that" said the clerk and off she rushed. I put on the camel colored cashmere turtleneck and the short little tapestry vest. "All you need now are some brown knee high boots and you're set she said." I felt the ground give way beneath me. Who was this stylish matron with the ash blond bob and the bemused expression? I could not move. I did not even know how to make this creature walk. I have never felt so at a loss in my life. I took the clothes off and ran from the dressing room. When I met up with my husband we went out to lunch and I had pasta and cheesecake. I've been overeating ever since.
I know how to navigate as a fat person. I am totally lost at sea as a thinner woman. Star talked about how slow was the learning process to be a normal sized person after being fat her whole life. She said she sometimes still feels like a three hundred pound woman. She said she lost a whole 'nother person. The person she knew. She was then left with this stranger in her skin who had to function in the world as though nothing much had happened. Like living with amnesia I thought. Much food for thought in this story. I hope Oprah has her on again.
Mark calls the new diet my "rabbit food revenge." We had pumpkin soup and cream cheese, walnut and pimento sandwiches for lunch. The soup was my own creation. Pumpkin, soy milk, onions, garlic, cinnamon, curry, molasses and applesauce. Was creamy and good. I mixed walnuts, curry, and pimentos in the low fat cream cheese and served it on slices of Ezekiel bread spread with avocado and topped with cucumber slices and spinach leaves. Mark said he hates curry. sigh
I am going to solider on. Tomorrow it will be mushroom barley soup and veggy laden Swiss cheese sand. I am looking forward to it. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea