Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Flu

Do not sample twelve different kinds of chili in an hour. Especially if you have also been attempting a new vegetarianish lifestyle. Also do not moan when you unfold the local paper and see yourself on the front page eating said chili. Do not notice the wide angle of the shot that shows you in heavy jeans, a sweatshirt, a parka, gloves and an apron, with a spoon in your mouth. Do not go out for Easter dinner after cooking and judging a chili cook off the day before...after eating a week of vegetarian meals. Do not eat giant bowls of hot curried fruit compote and broccoli cauliflower au gratin in an effort not to eat the ham at said Easter dinner. Do not go home after dinner and blow off (no pun intended) a whole host of obvious symptoms because you believe you are just reacting to a change in diet.

Passing out should have been my first clue that I was sick. But no, I convinced Mark I must just be hypotensive???? Okay...chills and chattering teeth were sort of an odd reaction to more beans than I could tolerate, but hey, who knows, right? Man was I hot. "This hormone patch must be defective" I thought. Fatigue. "Lazy slob, get up and get the laundry done and the living room cleaned." When I did not make it to the bathroom in time I finally recognized I might be sick. This process took four days.

I have been living on tea and toast and Imodium for the past 48 hours. I feel better today, but am not willing to venture far from the facilities. I do have a moral for this stupid story.

I am so out of touch with my body I can't even tell when I am ill. I live in and with my head, and drag my poor body around like so much inconvenient baggage. I eat with my mind. My body did not want that chili at the cook off. I had to force it down while simultaneously telling myself how much I was enjoying it. My body did not want Easter dinner but I convinced it it did. I even fought off nausea to eat pie and ice cream for dessert! I fixed three meals on Monday and ate everyone of them because I knew I loved to eat. My body had to literally lose control before my mind would do the same. Only then would I recognize that my body did not want any more food. It was sick. My mind is dumb as a post sometimes.

I had a banana for breakfast and a cup of soup for lunch. Maybe I will eat supper, maybe not. My body is not hungry. My mind would like a pint of ice cream and a donut, with a latte chaser. I am ignoring it.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Anonymous said...

This is what I think may have gone were feeling ill, and on an emotional level instead of recognizing the symptoms of illness, you tried to treat the negative feelings with food. Your body was saying" something is wrong..." so you felt the body is always made happier with food.. I think you are correct, you are disconnected from your physical body. Try to reconnect, try to recognize aches, exhaustion,warmth, muscle train, all the sensations of the body...

Cindy...154 said...

Sometimes I eat when I have nausea, thinking it will make me feel better. but I am not normal...i hope you are feeling better.

Annimal said...

My husband, when he gets the slightest tummy trouble will just stop eating. It doesn't matter what I've cooked or baked, he'll decide it's best to let things settle. Me, on the other hand, eat when nauseated, cramping, full or hungry--it doesn't matter. My mind associates all stomach signals as a need to eat, even if it's painful. How's that for a compulsive illness?
Last week I had a weird virus and immediately after eating I'd have severe cramps and need to use the BR. Did it stop me from eating?? Oh no. I kept thinking "well a little food will help settle things". I was in misery! The next day it started up again right after lunch and I literally had to berate myself like a naughty child to stop eating, only because I didn't want to suffer the extreme pain. But it was STILL a mental fight. gaah...

Anonymous said...

it is definitely hard to listen to your body. That mindless eating, thinking that you want it, but knowing your body is full, doesn't feel well, etc. Me eating dinner with the kids, etc only because they are eating, but i'm not even hungry. I COULD sit there and just have tea, right?!?! or my b/f saying, you know you want this cake, or, you know you're hungry, etc. when i'm really NOT, but i eat anyway.

Me having 25 years of constipation problems, crying because of it, because of the back pain, the chills, going thru every kind of damn back massager to help the pain of CLOGGED UP INTESTINES, feeling just gross and BLAH and just realizing 3 days ago, hmmmm maybe i should stop eating crap and get some benefiber and exercise. i feel like such a dumbass. and funny, after only 3 days of actually doing what my body needs/wants I FEEL BETTER. and wait, my body feels better so my mind feels better and I don't feel SCARED about what is gonna happen after i eat a meal... and that if i do feel yucky (as in right now), especially my tummy, it's really because of my PERIOD and not because of the crap in my body.


I'm an idiot.

I'm trying to now do what anonymous said, reconnecting with my body, in my circumstances. I've been SCARED of my body and how it reacts so I try to hide behind what I think are the causes (age, etc)... and in reality everything that caused the crap, or lack of, and pain were things that i could actually control/change.

Wow, this is the first time I've admitted in public all my intestinal problems...


Cindy in CO

Helen said...

Look on the bright side: I'll bet you lost weight on the Immodium and toast diet. ;-)

Hope you feel better!

NewMe said...

Cindy in CO,

After years of fighting frequent constipation, a naturopath recommended I drink 1/3 cup of aloe juice first thing in the morning and just before bed. It's amazing. You can buy it in any health food store.

Anonymous said...


I will definitely try it. And I'm definitely going to read your blog!!!

Cindy in CO

tiger said...