I have been eating non-stop since three pm. I knew I was going to eat today. I fought it off all morning. I held out until after talking to Mary. Then I began inhaling everything sugary I could find. And I couldn't find much. I picked dried raisins and cranberries out of some awful health cereal. I ate peanut butter and brown sugar as I don't have jelly or honey. I ate all of Mark's breath mints. I feel sick. I think it was that last breath mint that did it. What the hell is wrong with me? Answer...comes there none.
Mark had to spend the day in the main office today. I had the whole day to myself. This is usually bad. When presented with an unscheduled free day, I want to do nothing but eat. Today I wanted to spend the day eating candy and reading. I wanted pizza for lunch and hamburgers for dinner. I did not want to do anything productive. I wanted to unplug the phone and eat and read. This is not a formula for success. At the end of a day spent doing nothing but reading and eating I feel a self loathing that even suicide would not cure. So...I decided to get some things done. Every step was a push and a fight. All I wanted to do was sit and read and eat. I even went and had a massage today. This should have quieted the raging hunger but it didn't. In retrospect I should have said to hell with working today, bought some M&M's, and read and ate. I might have gotten bored with the sugar/book combo and quit without making myself sick. As is is I feel like a slob.
What happened? Why was I so hungry? Why does the prospect of time alone fill me elation and subsequent thoughts of food? It is like I am expecting a lover. Yippee I get to have a day of chocolate covered orgasms. Is this the face of addiction?
I feel fine I think. I don't think I was attempting to escape anything. Or do I feel fine? Maybe I feel empty. Those blogs took a lot out of me. They took bad stuff out, but as of yet I have nothing with which to fill the hollow holes. I am angry. And tired. I have nothing to give today. I just want. Damn I did a lousy job taking care of me today. Sunday was bad. Homicide early in the morning. Father killed mother in front of kids, on Mother's Day. Mark spent whole day on phone and back and forth from crime scene and Sheriff's office. Three little kids, oldest was eleven. Both parents drunk. Kids now in foster home and father in jail. Whooee. mucho pain Yesterday I did laundry all day. All that nutty house cleaning produced nutty amounts of laundry. Day started out good and went continually downhill. I needed a break. That would and could have been today. My body and spirit wanted to be nourished. Hence hunger. I just expect to go on like nothing affects me. I can't anymore. I have to take time to process every little thing. Irritates me. My massage person said my body was, "a mess." She asked if I had been digging ditches. Well, well apparently my body also needed time to unwind from last week. Who knew? Great learning going on here today.
I want and expect to have minimal emotional and physical responses. That is how the good sturdy farm folks I was raised around acted, and by darn I am going to act that way too. Only I can't. So I eat. Guess I will stop flogging myself for not meeting my own semi-unconscious expectations and go and take some Mylanta. And some Gas-X. In a couple of hours those raisins are going to attack me.
Take better care of yourselves than I do. Love Bea