Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Freedom and Hunger

I have been eating non-stop since three pm. I knew I was going to eat today. I fought it off all morning. I held out until after talking to Mary. Then I began inhaling everything sugary I could find. And I couldn't find much. I picked dried raisins and cranberries out of some awful health cereal. I ate peanut butter and brown sugar as I don't have jelly or honey. I ate all of Mark's breath mints. I feel sick. I think it was that last breath mint that did it. What the hell is wrong with me? Answer...comes there none.

Mark had to spend the day in the main office today. I had the whole day to myself. This is usually bad. When presented with an unscheduled free day, I want to do nothing but eat. Today I wanted to spend the day eating candy and reading. I wanted pizza for lunch and hamburgers for dinner. I did not want to do anything productive. I wanted to unplug the phone and eat and read. This is not a formula for success. At the end of a day spent doing nothing but reading and eating I feel a self loathing that even suicide would not cure. So...I decided to get some things done. Every step was a push and a fight. All I wanted to do was sit and read and eat. I even went and had a massage today. This should have quieted the raging hunger but it didn't. In retrospect I should have said to hell with working today, bought some M&M's, and read and ate. I might have gotten bored with the sugar/book combo and quit without making myself sick. As is is I feel like a slob.

What happened? Why was I so hungry? Why does the prospect of time alone fill me elation and subsequent thoughts of food? It is like I am expecting a lover. Yippee I get to have a day of chocolate covered orgasms. Is this the face of addiction?

I feel fine I think. I don't think I was attempting to escape anything. Or do I feel fine? Maybe I feel empty. Those blogs took a lot out of me. They took bad stuff out, but as of yet I have nothing with which to fill the hollow holes. I am angry. And tired. I have nothing to give today. I just want. Damn I did a lousy job taking care of me today. Sunday was bad. Homicide early in the morning. Father killed mother in front of kids, on Mother's Day. Mark spent whole day on phone and back and forth from crime scene and Sheriff's office. Three little kids, oldest was eleven. Both parents drunk. Kids now in foster home and father in jail. Whooee. mucho pain Yesterday I did laundry all day. All that nutty house cleaning produced nutty amounts of laundry. Day started out good and went continually downhill. I needed a break. That would and could have been today. My body and spirit wanted to be nourished. Hence hunger. I just expect to go on like nothing affects me. I can't anymore. I have to take time to process every little thing. Irritates me. My massage person said my body was, "a mess." She asked if I had been digging ditches. Well, well apparently my body also needed time to unwind from last week. Who knew? Great learning going on here today.

I want and expect to have minimal emotional and physical responses. That is how the good sturdy farm folks I was raised around acted, and by darn I am going to act that way too. Only I can't. So I eat. Guess I will stop flogging myself for not meeting my own semi-unconscious expectations and go and take some Mylanta. And some Gas-X. In a couple of hours those raisins are going to attack me.

Take better care of yourselves than I do. Love Bea


Vickie said...

I could send you my stomach - new pills are making it a wreck - don't want to even look at food. . .

Debra said...

I guess we really do like to escape from freedom sometimes. On the other hand, your day sounds like a genuine attempt to soothe a very depleted self the best way you know how, for now. Be kind to the self that needs to retreat in order to recover. Tomorrow is a new day. You may feel surprisingly refreshed.

Andrea K said...

Physical and emotional fatigue take their toll on me, too, and my remedy has usually been food. It probably always will be in my top three options, no matter how much progress I make with eating issues. But, I figure if I can knock it down to #3 instead of #1, that's progress.

The best thing is, you've taken a look at what's going on with you and learning from this experience. That self-awareness is a big step in the right direction. Keep up the good work.

Lori said...

Sometimes we are strong in the middle of adversity and it's only after the events have played out and we're all alone that we crash and burn.

I read all of your Mother's Day posts and I really was overwhelmed by what you went through and that you could write about it so eloquently. You even found some forgiveness.

You did that, and on Mother's Day, you, Mark, and everyone else even peripherally associated all learned about and had to deal with a horrific event that affected a whole bunch of innocent children.

Who wouldn't feel depleted and want to fill up that void? Who wouldn't be miserable? Just writing those blogs alone was hard and Sunday's events just added to it. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. If you felt nothing and went on with life that might be even more worrisome.

Being active was a good idea, getting a massage was a great idea. But sometimes we just have to slip up. Nobody's perfect. You've learned something from all of this and that's good.

Cindy174 said...

I think that reading and eating is not a bad way to spend the day. You body wanted nourishment and that was the hunger and so did your mind and the desire to read was to feed that. I think you needed to give yourself permission to relax, and read, and even to eat something tastey and comforting. Some tea, too or coffee or whatever beverage you enjoy. I like a diet rootbeer once in a while, it really hits the spot and fills me up. Something good enough to enjoy, but something you will allow yourself to enjoy without feeling guilty. And something satisfying. You will get to know what these things are as time goes on. Get all comfy with your books, and pillows, and enjoy. I can relate so much to searching for sugary stuff in house where there isn't any. I do it from time to time. I have eaten some pretty odd combinations! I think sometimes we just might need some extra food. You have re-experienced some old trauma, and you had some new trauma Sunday with that horrible event. It is not surprising you were hungry, and wanting rest. That's my two cents worth anyway.

BigAssBelle said...

I just expect to go on like nothing affects me. . . . me too, me too. i want to be invulnerable, ever strong, fearless and accomplished no matter what life throws at me.

with the big things, i can forge ahead, but life takes it toll and then i find myself overburdened with an extreme response to a small thing.

gentleness and love, just like any of us would give to children. why is this so hard to do for me? for you?