Had our photos taken last Sunday for the new church directory. Warning bells going off anyone? We got the proofs this Sunday. We also had a potluck dinner for the Graduates. Louder warning bells? Pictures and potluck. Could there be a more rapid road to ruin? Yes I looked fat. I was shocked. I had thought I looked thinner. I looked like a toad. A big toad. It was just like old times. Just like I had lost no weight at all. I began to eat. I ate until I fell into bed Sunday night. I am okay this morning.
I am incredibly sad. The chimera of thinnitude is gone. I am fat. I have lost some weight but I am still fatter than normal. I had deceived myself into believing I looked normal. I don't. I guess this was/is a good lesson. I even volunteered to get this picture taken. We dressed up and everything. Truth is always better than lies. And Hagen Daz lies.
We go this weekend to see and old friend. Her daughter is getting married. Tammi and I go way back. We were fat teenagers together. She still outweighs me by a bunch. I don't really want to see, as in look at, her any more than she wants to look at me. We have been waltzing around this issue per phone for a month. I wanted to look thin before she saw me. Why? I know it will make her feel awful. But it would have made me feel good. Like I really had lost weight. The look on her face would have validated my weight loss. I love Tammi and do not want to hurt her. And I want to feel thin. If she thought I looked thin, then I really was thin. This convoluted thinking unraveled at the first glimpse of those stinking pictures. We are both still fat.
I am trying to make peace with my continuing girth. But it ain't easy. I have switched wedding outfits. I am not reverting to my jumper, but my formish fitting Easter dress is staying home. (I wore this for the pictures. I did not look "hot". See Easter post.) I am taking loose fitting clothing. I think I am relieved. Now I do not have to carry off the whole "new me' thing. Is much easier to be the old fat me. I am pissed off about being relieved. I want to be the "new me." I don't want to look like Paris Hilton, but I have had it with being a tubby matron. Matron okay, tubby, not. So what to do?
I am back to the tried and true food plan until after we get home, and then it's Atkins and Curves. This for three weeks will get me off the dreaded 181. Then...we'll see. I think my body is used to weighing 181. It is happy here, but I'm not. I am going to give 145 another shot. I may indeed have to learn to love 181 but NOT YET.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.