Monday, May 7, 2007

White Christmas

Thank you all for your helpful words. I have trouble with the whole self care/selfishness thing. I'll bet you couldn't tell.

We had a blizzard here on Saturday. More darn snow. It was still very nasty on Sunday. Mark made up another song on our way to church. With apologies to Bing Crosby.

I'm dreaming of a white solstice. With snow fall deep on July four.
The glaciers creeping, and Al Gore weeping, and Norse gods banging at the door.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
I"m dreaming of a new ice age. With men extinct or nearly so.
There'll be no pollution, it's the solution, so all you folk have got to go.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
I'm dreaming of the wool-ly mammoth. Furry elephants now out number men.
While around the fire, the few conspire, to bring back writing once again.
Ding, ding, ding, ding...
This is as far as he got. I'm praying it doesn't snow again.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


BigAssBelle said...

what a doll he must be. that's so cute. geeze, i hope you don't get more snow. we're drowning here. been sucking water out of the warehouse all day. more on the way.

lynette said...

You are eating like a normal person. Are you as thin as you want to be? I can't eat like a normal person until I get to 145. Then and only then can I eat bagels and cream cheese without guilt...or weight gain. Where do I get this crap? So many rules, so little energy to meet them all. I have the same lists. This thing you are doing (real life) is inspiring and scary.

good grief no! i am not where i want to be. but if i don't stop the craziness, i'll end up where i once was or worse. i don't think you are as nuts with this thing as i am. i have given up ever losing a pound if i can keep from gaining any and if i can just make my head be quiet. i am SO sick of the committee meeting in my head, so wear of those constant voices and the vicious ones with their whips and fists always beating on me.

i don't really have the words to express how sick of it all i am. this just feels real to me, and right. and i am without any other hope. all of my efforts have failed and i have tried and tried to make the addiction/leave it out plan work for me and i just can't keep going. i feel like a little kid balancing a plate on a stick and trying to run across the playground. it's supposed to be fun, a game, but it's not fun and i never make it. never.

what really clinched it for me was spending some time on a couple of online diet boards i've been a part of in the last two years. all of the folks who were there when i was who are STILL there (or at least admitting it) are regaining their weight.

there has to be a way to stop this. i have had such a sense of peace about this and i've been praying every day for a new experience with everything i think i know about food and nutrition and weight and addiction and all of it. i know that just cuz it feels right doesn't mean it's His will, but it doesn't mean it's not either. i am just convinced that to survive this, i have to do something i've never done before. i'm 50 years old. when does it get better if not now? and if i could just stay right here, because i feel good, fit, frisky, active, i truly would be okay with that.

i'm just locking up the shop and trying to make a way for the water to get out. checked my blog and found your note. wanted to respond, but did not want to leave this answer to your post on your absolutely gorgeous tribute to your friend ~ magnificent, what a blessing. what a wonderful friendship.

lynette again said...

wear = weary. sigh. i am.