Tuesday, September 4, 2007


This post is going to cover a lot of territory.

First, we spent all holiday working on the house. Now I know why they call it Labor Day. Many things to be done before we can move in. Mark cannot take time off so it is up to me to get stuff done. My brain and body are about fried. I don't think we will get repairs done and be able to move in by the end of the month. I hope we can stay here until the middle of October. Fiasco with the water heater. Mark left me bailing in a flooding basement while he drove into town to get the broken part. I thought I was a gonner when the water heater CAME ON. I thought Mark had shut off the electricity. The shut off valve did not work for the water main which is why the flood. I envisioned being electrocuted. Got very wet. That's all. Problem is now solved and basement floor is really clean.

Second, I have been eating like old times. Pizza and ice cream and donuts for most of weekend. I am swollen up like a poison toad. I have begun in the past two weeks to dream about food again. I dream about eating it and how good it tastes. Anyone else do that? I did this when I first started on the food plan. Very odd. Last night I dreamed I was at some national weight loss convention and was being given an award. Thing is, I had gained 10 pounds and my clothes were strangling me. I felt just awful. I woke up feeling fat and awful, and water logged.

I have not bought the idea of sugar as addictive. I think I am changing my mind. I think that is what the eating dreams are about. My body and brain are processing the new sugar overload just as a year ago they processed the sugar withdrawal. Cravings at night have been hideous. I don't think I can handle sugar. And sure not alone. In all the house stuff my prayer life has been on hold. Not good. I need help to cope. Today I prioritized my life again. God first, sugar abstinent eating second and every other darn thing after numbers one and two. This will not be easy in the panic of home repairs and moving. Pray for me.

Third, is there a difference between passion and lust? (Cleaning and spackling and painting give a person time to think.) I believe I have often mistaken them. I want passion in my life. Lust just gets me into trouble. I think lust may be insatiable and passion can be fulfilled. That statement feels liberating. My sugar cravings are insatiable. I get filled up on healthy food. I hate insatiable. I want to be delivered from it. I think only God can do it. I have lived my life controlled by lust, at least in concept if not in deed. Okay so there have been a few deeds. I do not want to be ruled by lust. I begin to get a clearer picture of the sin of gluttony.

That's all. The posts and comments may be few and far between in the next month. I am dead heat busy. Or not. This writing thing has become as integral as breathing. I am grateful to be given words and a venue to express them.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Anonymous said...

I believe there is a huge difference between lust and passion and part of maturing or "growing up" is recognizing the difference.
Lust=quick fix, want it and want it now. Immediately pleasing to the senses without concern of consequences.
Passion=that what makes us feel alive, fullfills inner needs, does not hurt someone when fullfilled. rejuvinates, sings. Sets us apart from animals.
Fullfilling our passions sets an inner glow and happiness that others can see.
My prayers are with you. I'm in the same boat as you right now with my eating and I've just got to work through some things to get back on track. It helps me to no end to read of others travails on these blogs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

I thank God that you were not electrocuted. Water and electricity are primal fears. I too painted this weekend. The accent wall in my bedroom is now 'Cougar'. There's a job to have...naming paint or finger nail polish. Hence, I understand the thinking time. Lust vs. Passion. I love both 'mishmash' and Carol's thoughts. Seems you both are on the right track. I am not stalled on the weight loss, but it is slowing down a bit. Was told my pants were droppy today. Guess I'll have to retire those. Keep number 1 and 2 on track, the rest will fall into place. Hang in there, I have 3 more accent walls to go.

Love, Ethel

daisyk said...

I've spent some time thinking about the difference between lust & passion as I walk to & form dogs' houses. I think lust is the groin (or the stomach or the greed)leading the brain (i.e., "I want X How do I get X at midnight? What can I have instead of X at midnight?") along.

Passion is the heart & groin urging the brain to hurry up & walk in lockstep, the better to keep lust quiet except as needed.

It's the difference, dear Bea, between the insatiable need for sugar, & being incredibly busy but knowing this posting thing has become necessary. You crave saying things & being answered, but your heart & brain do all the work...

Good luck! If you want some advice about how to keep your food clean, I'd tell you to make it such a priority that spackling happens AFTER you get the right food, prepared in the refrigerator & ready to go...

Lori said...

I'm really glad you were okay.

I've had some very vivid dreams about food; once when I woke up, I thought I had really eaten all of those cookies and had a momentary panic attack.

I'm still figuring out the lust-passion thing myself. I think lust is just a quick thing and sometimes we may need that but usually it leads to more dangerous things (food, sex, men, charge accounts, etc. all fit the bill). Passion -- hmm. Maybe I haven't had that really yet.

Good luck with the move and be kind to yourself. OK?

Cindy174 said...

I have had food dreams. You are not alone. And I will pray for you. You are under a lot of physical and mental and other kinds of stress. I know the feeling. The exhaustion, the endless tasks and the clock ticking, time running out. Something like that. I recall from my last two moves which were within the past two years. Passion. I want it. I have it. I don't want obsession. That is what confuses me. Obsession. Anyway I love the poison toad term. I wish I could fly up there and help you for real. I would have done it Labor Day weekend. Honest. Hang in there.