Friday, September 21, 2007

Thank You All

I am going to take the little t.v. over to the house and watch/listen to old videos. May even take DVD player over and watch DVD's. Crock pot is also darn good idea for supper. I have two, why did I not think of using them? Tired I guess. Lean Cuisine for lunch with veggies, genius. (We have been having sandwiches but I don't want all that bread.) Cheese sticks and apples for snacks.

Not much help to be had. Hunting season you know. Everyone vanishes into the hills for the months of September and October. Women in church friendly but leading their own busy lives. When packing time comes I will ask for volunteers.

Rest and sleep, not much to be had. Slept from midnight until 3am last night. I need hormones. Was not going to take them because I believe they might kill me (heart attack) but at this point I would relish looking rested in the casket. No time to get to doctor to get the darn things. My right hand goes numb when I look down. Is from all the painting. My neck is about shot. Did go and get a massage, with hot rocks. Heaven. Massage therapist told me to quit talking and "receive." So I did. I need to find my barley neck heating pad.

Back to rewards. If I suffer I am entitled to whatever I need to blot out/mitigate the suffering. It is this kind of addictive thinking that has me in its thrall. Food has again taken on magical properties. I look forward to it curing my ills. And I am here to tell you ice cream does not get the knots out of my neck. I have been trying this treatment to no avail. But while I am eating, I do forget about the knots. This is the payoff. While I am eating I forget my pain. And I believe I deserve to not be in pain. I should not have to suffer. And if I do suffer I am owed compensation. Where do you suppose I came up with this thinking? Owed, I am owed that pint of carmel-sutra. Like there is some cosmic suffering scale and when my side becomes weighted down with care it is my job to balance out the other side with food.

I am not owed food as a cure all for my pain. Pain comes. My job is to lean on God and learn to handle the pain. I am not owed pain relief. If anyone knows what I mean let me know. I am writing it but I don't really get it. Weird, I have to write in order to see what I think.

Have now to go 30 miles and get more paint. Store here has run out. Basement is almost complete. Closets are almost all done. Plumbing is done. Spackling and caulking almost all done. Husband home early and we are going to enjoy paint shopping drive.

Thank you again for your concern and your brilliant ideas. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Lori said...

I understand exactly how you think.
I like that you got a massage and talked to someone; it's a good way to get rid of the pain without resorting to food.

I'm glad you and Mark will have some time on the drive together and he's there to do some work (not that he's not working but you know what I mean). Take care of yourself.

Vickie said...

I did not ask my therapist about you - I asked about me/my circumstance - she said that it is more assault. It is not what is owed or a reward - it is self assault. Over eating and under eating - assault against one's self. I don't SEE it that way - but that is what she says. . .

Ann - SE Washington State said...

Magnesium for sore/tight muscles that make limbs go to sleep.

Salt and Water also for edema that can be painful and cause limbs to go to sleep. Food cravings.

Progesterone, bioidentical for mood, sleep, pain, food cravings. Look for Progest-E Complex by Kenogen.
It's Ray Peat's stuff.

ar said...

If I suffer I am entitled to whatever I need to blot out/mitigate the suffering ... (Bea) and (Vicki's therapist) ... it is self assault.

For me the act of eating makes me mindless. Eating switches off my obsessive thinking machinery. The damage afterwards can be regarded as "assault", but assault that happened in a disassociated state. The damage has to be undescribable, but I cannot believe it is intentional. It is though I just cannot help myself, yet at the same time people see me as a STRONG person. Maybe this compulsion goes hand in hand with stubbornness, an attempt to control when others have always pulled my strings? Or perhaps it is much simpler than that, at one point of having too much of one food, I became allergic to it, like alcoholics become allergic to alcohol. So now I am craving substances I am allergic to.

Today I received my Kay Sheppard books, and will give it a good read. Took five days to get from Lexington, Kentucky (courtesy of Amazon) to Al Ain, United Arab Emirates. I believe there are huge winter storms in that region. Together with the inspiration from this wonderful blog from "freezing" Wyoming of the United States that makes it that much more providential and motivating to read. :>) ar