Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Gad I'm Fat

Self mixed more paint. I dumped some beige paint in with the flesh colored paint. Now I have a lighter flesh color. sigh I am telling my self it is orange mocha. I am not painting the room again.

I eat and eat. It is the only joy I seem to be getting out of life lately. A cruel joy to then make me so miserable. It is the money. I am worried about being broke. I can't stand to think about the prospect so I eat so as not to think or feel. Or to feel better.

The more time the remodel and moving takes the more money it costs. Mark says we have prayed about this and put it in God's hands and that is where we should leave it. In other words, "Don't worry about it." Well...that works for him. He has faith like the mustard seed. It can and has moved mountains. I have faith like...what, mist? I should, could be enjoying this process. I normally love to decorate and remodel. I enjoy taking what I have and doing the best I can with it. (Thanks Joyce) But the slow pace of this move is killing me. I am conscious of the monetary cost of every passing moment. Then I get overwhelmed and move even slower. And I feel guilty and scared. And I eat.

I am choosing to change. This is the day the Lord hath made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I have been praying about my weak as water faith. Asking God to help me have stronger faith. This morning I received an answer. He said, "What do you think I am doing?" Faith is like a muscle, if it is not used it is weak. In my fairly problem free life of late I have not had to use my faith muscles. I or we could solve all our problems without aide. I got out of the habit of exercising any faith at all. It should come as no surprise that my faith muscles, weak in the best (worst) of times, have dwindled to almost nothing.

So...I will cooperate with this new faith workout plan.

First off, I am choosing to change my way of speaking. I am going to say only positive things about the remodel and the move. "I now have a wonderful warm colored orange mocha bedroom, with cream colored ceiling and trim. And I didn't have to spend any more money on paint." "I am grateful I have to go to the washateria to do laundry. Gives me time to sit and rest and read." "I am grateful to have a long time to consider the move. Makes me more determined than ever to let go of some of this stuff." "I am glad to be doing a lot of the remodel work by myself, since I believe it is my self I am actually working on." "God allowed us to get this house against all odds, and he will provide the money for us to remodel and move."

Second, I am choosing to be grateful. For everything. Mark is dealing with awful disgusting stuff at work. I am grateful our lives are protected from all that drama and trauma. They didn't used to be. We well remember the pit from whence we were dug.

Third, I am choosing joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will sing when I don't feel like it. I will listen to uplifting (to me) music and t.v.. I will further develop my Erma Bombeck eye on life. I too can find humor in the new neighbor moving the lawn in a parka, gloves and what appeared to be Hawaiian print swimming trunks. He did not look happy.

Fourth, I will do one thing at a time. I will take one day at a time. I will concentrate on what I am doing and not dilute my present efforts by piling up future projects in my head. I will prioritize, with God's help. Perfect is time consuming. Good, and done, is done.

Fifth, I will take my greed for food to God again. Currently I don't just want something tasty and filling to eat, I want gobs of it. Mark, a normal eater, is hungry after all this manual labor and wants more food than we have been eating. So I guess it is normal I too should be hungry. But I can't stop after eating my fill. Again I am using food to give me peace of mind and soul. I am using food to fill the God shaped hole. Pray for me as I will for thee.

I love my new smaller house. I am longing to fix it up and make it comfortable and beautiful. But first I have to clean it and fix its major structural problems. Then and only then can I move in and begin to decorate. All this takes time.

Off to the "washateria." The sun is shining and I can hang the clothes on the line. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Anonymous said...

Your post tickles me pink. You have been weighing on my mind lately with how down you have been ever since this house came into your life. I have been hoping that you would somehow be able to see the gift you've been given (albeit, a gift that needs work!). Maybe it's been the "can't see the forest for the trees" syndrome. Best of luck with your new found attitude.

Nory Roth said...

So -- you've decided to live with the paint -- good for you! I love your new attitude. Let us know how it works for you -- I think I'll try the "attitude of gratitude" on for size, too.

It really is a fearful thing to be in the hand of the living God. And my spirit is willing -- but my flesh is soooo woefully weak. I can relate so well to your need to tamp down the terror with excessive eating. It's always been my favorite "drug" of choice. Thanks be to God that I'm not a drinker or a smoker, or I'd have cirrhosis and emphysema!!!

I thank God at every remembrance of you (Paul's words, not mine) and will pray for you every time the Lord drops your name in my thoughts. I have begun to have a real craving for discernment of spiritual prompting lately. Maybe it was for such a time as this. Hope it helps to know that there are "anonymous" sisters who uphold you in their thoughts and prayers. And who wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

I once painted my living room coral. It reminded me of the desert southwest. My children (sons) were horrified that I'd painted the living pink. I never did will that one down. So orange mocha!

I love this post, not necessarily your pain and anguish but the content and context. Here's what I am going to take away from this:

1. I am going to say positive things.

2. I am choosing to be grateful.

3. I am choosing joy.

4. I will do one thing at a time.

Puts things in perspective. And I believe "Perfect is time consuming. Good is done, and done." is waxing poetic.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom.

Love, Ethel

daisyk said...

1. I am grateful I read your post this afternoon when, I, too, am feeling the burdens of too many plates in the air that I would rather put down & fill up with cake.

2. I am grateful for air conditioning.

3. I am grateful for Bitter Apple, which I've sprayed on everything Eecept dog toys. Henry is confused as to why he doesn't have his usual fun with my wicker drawers & that's the way I want it.

4. I am grateful I have useful, paying work to do.

5. I am grateful I don't have to paint.

Thank you for taking time out your other selves -- the Martha Stewart one & the Mama Cass one -- to share your pain, faith & resolve.

Cindy174 said...

I love this post. I love turning it around and being grateful because there is always something good to look at. That's faith at work. I like the faith muscle concept. I meant to mention to you that all that work you are doing would normally increase anyone's appetite. Your new home is cozy and it is yours. It is no doubt perfect for the two of you and your pets.

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