Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Body Double

"Hacer frio."
" Yeah...and my feet are cold too." Sorry about that. It is one of my husband's favorite jokes. Snaining here at the moment. Will probably snow soon.

I'm better. Thank you God and friends. Once again I left my body in the dust and attempted to live in my head only. Must be my life's lesson to learn to live in my body. The screaming helped. Helped a lot. An amazing lot. I can roll with the punches again this morning. What seemed a crisis a few days ago now seems I guess. My poor body.

No exercise (walking), lousy food, tension in neck and back, and minimal sleep. And I ain't 25 anymore either. No wonder I felt so bad. I was trying to "fix" the problem with my drug of choice, sugar, and prayer. Go ahead and laugh. It's funny. "Please God bless my addiction and make it more effective. Amen." Gad. I was attempting to logic my way out of the mess. If I could just figure out my motivations then all my problems would be solved, with God's help of course. Never dawned on me anything physical could be the main problem.

When I face stress I immediately move into my head. I attempt to figure out the problem, and solve it. I need to do just the opposite. Not all problems are solvable. I become anxious if I can't figure everything out. I hoard the stress/worry. I worry on the surface with the semi-fixable dilemmas and store the intractable stuff deep down inside. Periodically I bring up the insoluble cud and ruminate on it. I add it to the immediate conundrums. Makes a horrible wad of stuff I can't stomach. Our bodies and minds are not designed for worry. The brain needs to give the problem to God and the body needs to work out and off the pent up anxious energy. For some reason I feel threatened when my body naturally wants this physical expression. (Fear probably, from years of physical abuse when others got rid of their pent up energy on me.) So I eat to push the anxiety back down and keep it static. The screaming and pounding on the kitchen table were physical. (I broke the table.) In a round about overly dramatic way, my actions were healthy. Would beating the crap out of a tree with a red plastic bat have been better? Yes. Would a fast walk/run have been better yet? Absoflippinglutely. But the screaming worked. I am grateful I do not have kids. I understand my adopted mother m-u-c-h better today.

Okay I learned something. I NEED to pay attention to my body. The healthy food, the exercise, the massages, the new mattress, the bike, and the walking shoes are not luxuries with which I am indulging myself. If I am going to survive intact I have to have them. My body is not just a vehicle for my head. "I" am part and parcel of both. And my spirit. I have spent years and lots of money taking care of my head. I have felt guilty about every penny I spent on my body. (That Puritan upbringing you know.) No more guilt. I want to be a whole healthy person. I will attempt to really care about and for my body.

I have been up since 4am. We went over to the house at 5:30 and painted until 7am. Worked like a charm. I am now going to go for a walk. Nothing is happening weather wise at the moment. I will bundle up and breathe the cold mountain air. I will come home and have a nice cup of tea and do my devotions. And if all that it doesn't work out as planned I will use my new catch phrase..."Okay, whatever."

Take care of your whole selves, Love Bea.


Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

I had noticed the 'brake' too. Hmm trying to logic our way out of our current condition. We spend a fair amount of time acting like our heads aren't connected to the rest of our body. Or like our bodies don't communicate with our head either. Both require care and nuturing and our hearts tie them together. So kindly love your body, appreciate your brains and capacity to learn, work at being at peace in your own space both physically and spiritually. My care plan (yup still a nurse) includes routine exercise, massage, facials, a health diet, support and guidance, rest. I think health will follow. Let's keep walking this path....

Love, Ethel

Lori said...

I've been accused of "thinking too much" and I know I'm guilty of wanting to fix things which may not be fixable. But I guess I believe if you try hard enough, good things will happen. (You'd think I'd know better by now, in a way, at least for the terminal cases in my life.)

When my logic and hard work doesn't work, I immediately blame myself and then I move on to others. Sometimes it is my fault or their fault. But I am just as hard as you are when these things occur.

Take care of yourself, you deserve a good mattress, massage, bike, walking shoes, and so much more.

Andrea K said...

Sorry I've been so out of touch lately, but it seems like we're dealing with similar things. I tend to do the same thing you do --withdraw and live in my head. You're so right about staying in our bodies and using them to burn off the tension and stress.

I hope the house is going well. We're fixing up our kitchen right now and I know the stress involved in DIY projects. I think there should be counselors stationed in every Lowe's and Home Depot!