Monday, October 8, 2007

Check In

Life she is a changing. Spent yesterday digging a ditch in front of the garage to drain away the water in the garage. Much rain and then snow had created a swamp, with a carport over it. Nothing like digging a ditch in rocky muddy ground, in a snow storm to perk up a girl's flagging spirits. I am now just existing from day to day.

In clearing out stuff to move I found my passport. From 1975. For an aborted trip to Italy. I was supposed to go with a church group to sing and to "witness" to heathen Italians. Read, Catholic Italians. I let my supposed best friend talk me out of going because I was not "spiritual" enough. She said I was only going on the trip because I wanted to go to Italy. She was going, she said, "Because her heart was breaking for all those unsaved Italianos." I prayed about it and knew in my heart of hearts she was right. My heart was not breaking for all those hell bound Catholic Italians. My main reason for going was to see Italy. I felt awful for attempting to fool God and the pastor about my real motives. With shame in my voice I confessed my sinful desires in front of the whole church, and then backed out of the trip.

What a load of bullshit. Sally, my ersatz best friend, wanted her other friend Kim to go rather than me. But I had signed up first. When I unsigned my self, Kim went in my place. Later she and Sally were arrested for being drunk in a fountain. They came home to heroines' welcomes from the church in spite of it. And they had memories to last a life time.

The moral of this tawdry tale is, DO NOT LET OTHER PEOPLES NOTIONS OF RIGHT AND WRONG CONTROL YOUR LIFE. I was seventeen.

Back to packing. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Nory Roth said...

Dear Bea,

Wow! Amazing how exhaustion dredges up memories of the oddest things. Am so glad you've grown since the Italy debacle. Isn't it nice to "think" for yourself, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling? I have so much trouble seeking God these days that I don't have time to go out looking for all the "lost" wretches around me.

Remember: Noone on this side of heaven will ever be closer to Christ than when they are standing beside you!!! If we really believe that His spirit dwells within us, then our very presence should show his love. How far short I fall so very often! Isn't grace an amazing thing?

Anonymous said...

I was listening to Stephen Colbert on the GMA show this AM. He said "We are all 50th cousins, so anytime you're in a group, it's a family reunion".
Isn't that a thought to chew on?
Take care, Cuz

Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

Out of the mouths of babes, or seventeen year olds are the grains of truth uttered. Last I checked heathen Italianos that are Catholic are also Christian. That is if the frescos in every church I was in depicted the stories I had learned from the old testament. Cruxifixes should cover the new testament since the story is in the Gospels - at least in the heathen Christian church I attended. They also covered Hell quite graphically across those arches. There wasn't a soul in that bunch who didn't want to see Italy and let a young woman stand in their midst with honesty in her heart and integrity speak the truth and follow through with conviction. You have been and remain an archor(ite) for me. I ask that God find a way for you to see Italy in the near future. You don't have to go there to meet Him, he already lives with you.


Lori said...

How awful and fiendish of your "friend" to play that particular card to get you to skip that trip. It's really amazing how someone can find a soft underbelly to stick a metaphorical knife in us, isn't it?

Good luck with the packing and I hope you have wonderful weather for the move.

Cindy174 said...

Two years ago when I cleaned the attic of a house I lived in for nine years I went through boxes and boxes of old stuff I had carried with me. I found many memories, many were unpleasant. I had a huge dumptser rented and as I tossed the items in the dumpster I felt I was letting them go at last. It was a nice expereience. Thanks for the update. someday you will go back and read posts you wrote during this time and you will be all cozy in your new home.