Friday, October 12, 2007

Truth

It is 2:56 AM and I am tired. Hot flash and various aches and pains awakened me. Have you noticed how you are who you are at 2 am? No veneer left.

Spent yesterday moving washer/dryer and fridge. Laundry room at new house is done. Is a beautiful color. I now can do the laundry without going to the washateria. Yeah. Windows and doors have all finally arrived. Friend will help Mark install them this weekend. That will also be good. Supposed to get down into the 20's and the wind is whistling through the old ones. Shed arrives on the 25th so we won't have to rent a storage thing for lawn mower and outside furniture. God is providing money from the oddest sources so it looks like we will even make the bills without borrowing. All in all everything is going good with the move. So what is wrong with me you ask?

It is the food thing. Anybody surprised? Sugar makes me happy. It is an unparalleled delight. Candy bars, fudge, cinnamon rolls, pie, ice cream, french fries and low calorie jam. I had all that...yesterday. I want nothing but sugar. I am planning for it. I am looking forward to it. I am stockpiling it. It has become, again, the bright spot in my life. I am an addict.

I cannot control my desire for sugar without help. God's help, friends' help, food plan help. My brain believes Intuitive Eating should and could work. My obsessive body and soul long for the comfort and oblivion of addiction. A truth I have been fighting against for a year. I can face hard times straight on without the cocoon of sugar or I can avoid pain wrapped completely in the cocoon of sugar. What I can't do is face trouble with only a little bit of sugar. It is all or nothing, black or white. I can deal with life clear headed, and suffer like everyone else, or I can escape pain padded in sweet cotton wool. If I eat sugar the pain relief is immediate. My trouble is once removed. Normal eaters do not derive this pain relief from eating. They get no chemical assist from cheesecake. Ipso facto, they don't over eat. Ahh the sweet seduction of my addiction. "Eat, and life will be made easier." Ipso fato. I over eat.

I have never understood the "clean" phraseology in relation to abstinence. I "get it" at this early morning hour. I feel contaminated by all the sugar and fat. Like I need a shower. I feel hung over. Ick.

Okay I am going to take some Mylanta and try going back to bed. Take a lesson from my descent into familiar bittersweet territory. Avoid the first bite. Thanks for listening. I am glad you all are out there. Bea.

1 comment:

Lori said...

I hope you are doing okay; I really do understand the desire for sugar (or whatever our food of choice is). Ask yourself, what would you tell a friend who is feeling the way you are now? Then, treat yourself that same way. We sometimes seem to extend grace and charity to other people more easily than we can give it to ourselves. Funny, isn't it?

The move sounds very productive and good and nice...and I'm happy that the money situation is working itself out. You are seeing the good things going on in your life. Hang in there!