Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Windows are in in the bedroom and bathroom. We had to take down the siding to get at the old windows. Friends came to our rescue thank God. Was a labor intensive project and we did not know what we were doing. Rain at end of the day did not help. But all's well and the new windows are stupendous. Washer and dryer are in. Same wonderful friends helped us tote them over to the new house. Minor hitch in the works. When I turn on the washer it flips the breaker to the kitchen heaters and the water heater. I did ten loads of laundry in cold water. While wearing a coat. At least I didn't have to get quarters first.

Began screaming yesterday during lunch. Couldn't stop. Scared both of us. Second time this has happened to me in past few years. Hollering lasted until I ran out of energy. Then I was relatively normal. Breaking point came I think when I went into the laundry room to get more paper plates and it was flooded. Faucet that washer had been attached to had been trickling for four days and carpet was squishy. Glad Mark was home. We got towels and attempted to sop up some of the water. Wet dry vac is at other house. We soon had a whole laundry basket full of wet towels. We got most of water out of the carpet and I set up some fans to try to dry the floor. We then sat down to eat our tuna sandwiches and apples. Mark announced he would be gone for the last week of the month as he had an out of town trial. And I started to scream.

I can' t move anymore. I used to move with ease. I now root quickly and do not want to be pulled up. I don't even like this rental house that much. (And it sure hates me.) I don't know what is my problem. I wanted a home of my own. I wanted to downsize. I liked the new house. And now I hate all of it. Mark says we are too old to start over with just a toothbrush, bible and the cats. But it sure sounds tempting. Why am I not coping? This is just a move. I have done it dozens of times. Just last October for starters. Why am I coming apart at the seams?

I hate women who can't cope. Who have to be pampered and protected lest they brake. I have prided myself on being strong. And we all know what they say about pride. Well I have fallen into the pit. Will I get as batty as my mother? Who knows. I keep praying but don't seem to comprehend the answers. I do believe all things work together for good so I hope to come out on top of all of this. But at the moment I am dragging bottom. I sure hope I don't start that screaming again.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

P.S. In rereading this I noticed I spelled break, "brake." Like to stop. Very interesting.


Carol said...

Are your hopes for this new home that this will finally be the perfect life? No more fear, no more doubt, no demons? If only you work hard enough, if only you give enough blood, sweat and tears can you create peace.
Maybe you are thinking that this can be the home you deserved but never had as a child.
Or are you thinking you never did deserve it and why should you have it now? Too unworthy.
I see in your posts hidden fear. Cover it with paint, with carpet, make the surface perfect so no one, not even you can see the imperfections underneath. The unworthiness. Then maybe everyone can love you. Maybe the demons can live somewhere else.

Nory Roth said...

Your post puts in mind the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It's not the big things that can unhinge us -- it's the leaking pipe that causes the melt-down. Had one myself last Monday when my son clogged the toilet, and waited until the water was running into the hallway before coming to get me. Talk about a mess!!! I, too had done ten loads of laundry that day. In addition to cooking, cleaning, feeding and entertaining children, grocery shopping, post office, bank, etc. When he flooded that bathroom, I could just feel the surge of adrenaline flood my body. I guarantee you, I was not up for mother of the year that afternoon. But my house of cards came tumbling down, and I just lost it. When you have limited time and even more limited resources, it can be a very tenuous dance to hold it all together. It's never fun to lose it, but believe me, I can SO relate to what you are going through!

Anonymous said...

Dear Bea,

I too have been there. The screaming moment. Only done it a couple of times and looking back it wasn't that bad - in comparison to what I took on quietly, complacently, willing that that wasn't mine to carry. Veneerless, you are painting the interior walls of closets, consider what to give up and lighten the load. What seems absolutely necessary that in the end really doesn't amount to a hill of beans. I found a box from a move 18 years ago labeled, 'Absolutely necessary bedroom items' I get a bit punchy when packing and begin entertaining myself by labeling boxes in this odd fashion. There wasn't a damn thing in that box that I haven't lived pleasantly without for 18 count them 18 years. Be kind to yourself, Mark has to be gone. Take care, hug a cat, have a cup of tea and let yourself be - at home.

Love, Ethel

Lori said...

I can't really add anything except to agree with Carol, Nory, and Ethel. I think they've hit on some very good thoughts.

I know whenever I've moved with the STBX or even my roommates in college, I was the organizer. And, one of the reasons I was good at organizing was my "wonderful" ability to focus on "what could go wrong" and try to prevent it. Of course, I couldn't. And, the first few nights of moving anywhere, I'd be sad and wondering why did I do this? And I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

It stinks that Mark has to go away. Maybe by then you will get your dear little dog and you will have a good companion to keep you company during this time. Take care of yourself, give the cats some catnip for fun and a hug to them, the dog and Mark. I'll be thinking of you.

Vickie said...

The three ladies before me said it well.

I think that it is only the really strong women that hit the wall and can't do/go any more. It is because we/they keep going far longer than anyone else. When they hit the wall - they are truly all in, all done.

I have been absolutely amazed at the grunts and groans that have been coming out of my mouth at yoga lately. Normally I am silent. And probably normally, I am not pushing myself. Lately I have been trying harder things and have been amazed at what I can do - but I also have been surprised at the verbal sounds of that effort. And I am also surprised that I am smart enough to take it easy the rest of the day, or to alternate what I am working on the next day.

I guess this is all PACE. For me. Not the go, go, go as hard as I can until I drop. But the Go, go, rest, go, go, rest - that I am learning.

When anyone moves - there is just too much all at once. My mother and I both moved withing 6 mos of each other. We both found that when the other one moved - the non-moving person handled it much better. I could unpack and DEAL with it for hours/days at her house, when she just wanted to throw up her hands and quit. She could deal at my house when I couldn't. I got in bed and pulled the covers over my head.

My crazy comes from my dad's side. I have 3 crazy aunts - one more so.

My brother ran into the craziest one not too long ago and she is more normal now, than she EVER was in her whole life. She is with the right doctor and on the right meds.

Your poor mother was born in the wrong time frame to have real help - don't you think?

So, even if you have trouble - after all the moving dust has settled (and I don't think you will - I think you will even back out again once you are done) - you are in a very different time and place and your life will be different from hers.


Vickie said...

Four ladies before me - Lori's post didn't show for me until I posted my note.

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