Wednesday, June 17, 2009

There and Back Again

It is 3am and I am sick as a dog. Hot flashes, throat hurts and muscle aches all over. Have been thinking about my trip and the fallout from it. How valuable is each moment of our existence?

I did not want to make this trip. I went because Mark wanted me to go and I did not want to disappoint him. I made him pay every step of the way. I am not proud of that. He was a dear and I was a bitch. Phooey. This trip stripped me to the bone.

Long minutes spent waiting for Mark in the lobby of the Marriott with no plans, no reading material, and no food allowed me to face myself. It is a self I am not too fond of. Heck, let's call a tuning fork a road grader, I am miserable. I hate regrets. And I am looking into a bucket load of them. Not regret for the grand missteps in my life, those I look back on with some pride. Took a lot of risk to be that stupid. No the regrets that are currently plaguing me are the little foxes. They are spoiling the vines of my life. The "yeses" when I want to say "no," the "noes" that should be yes, the inaction that could be movement, the action that could be rest. (Just let the dog outside and I could hear the neighbor's pigs snoring. Is very quiet here.) My Marriott meditations showed me a life of much self induced misery.

I have thought about and written out my life priorities before but not as real attainable goals. They were more pie in the sky wishy sort of vague longings. I did not really believe I could do anything about making my dreams come true. God determined my fate and I was just sort of along for the ride. Wrong. This trip has made me see that unless I gather up my courage and energy my life might just fade into pointless oblivion. Yes I believe if I died I would go to Heaven, but I don't want to waste the time I have been given in the present waiting for future Grace. And dear friends I have been wasting my precious minutes hours and days in fear and pointless endeavor.

Life is about loving one another. It is about driving 47 miles in rush hour traffic to meet someone you have never met. It is about cutting your nervous tired husband some slack. It is about not eating so much sugar you pass out. It is about coping with dog and cat dirt because of the joy they bring to you. It is about helping a friend move 24 hours after you have returned from a trip because you love her. It is about being grateful to God that you were up at 3am to hear the pigs snoring.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

P.S. Helen post away. As long as you don't post that picture where look like I should be wearing a stocking cap lined with tin foil I will be okay.


Anonymous said...

Dear sweet Bea, you are wonderful and so right. Sometimes we have to be dragged kicking and screaming to a place where we have an epiphany about ourselves and our lives, one that generates a change in thinking and behavior instead of reaching for food to numb it away.

A friend sent me a link to a blog this week that has given me much food for thought about how to make changes in my life. It's long and there are way more steps than I could possibly handle now. But I think I could still make plenty of progress just by doing SOME of them. Maybe you can find a few useful questions, too - Improve your life in just one week

LG said...

You are right; Anne wrote it best and I'll just say, "AMEN."

Annimal said...

I love this post, Bea. Thanks for the honesty and showing your pain. I need to keep in mind everyday that when I overeat, I'm cheating myself of all the good things I want for myself.
When my priority is food--stuffing myself, then the rest of the list gets puhed aside.
Meeting and finding new friends, quality time with my husband, enjoying my work--it's all a choice.
As is love, loving others, loving myself.

Helen said...

Photo is up...we are cute. :-)

I'm glad your trip was food for "Marriott meditation". That's gotta be a good thing...and not only because it's alliterative. ;-)

How was your beach day? Trip home?

Helen said...

So happy you loved that ride at Cal Adventure like I do...I could ride it all the time too! What fun! :-)

Feel better...worry about the carbs when you are well.