Friday, June 5, 2009

Comfort Zone

I guess I am going. I decided today. A little late I know as we leave on Monday. This damn trip has become I place I hope never to re-visit.

Mark and I are speaking again. After almost twenty years of marriage it was a painful procedure for us to confront the vast differences in our priorities. I value security and Mark values adventure. I want to own, Mark wants to rent. I want dog and cats, Mark wants a pet rock. I want a minivan and Mark wants a sports car. I want to camp, Mark wants to stay in hotels. I want to save, Mark is not afraid of debt. I want a computer for work, Mark wants it to play games. I am a planner and Mark wants to fly by the seat of his pants. I am detail oriented and Mark thinks in broad strokes. I am an adult and Mark is a child...with a real bitchy Mommy.

Like most married couples we are fairly opposite in personality. I believe God put us together to rub the rough edges off one another. After the past week we are both much smoother.

I talked much to Mentor Mary about the trip. She acknowledged my fear of going into debt in perilous economic times. She acknowledged my anger at having to choose between the trip and much needed necessities, i.e. glasses and dental work. She acknowledged my frustration at Mark's unwillingness to let go of something he wants. After I had vented for hours she gently asked me, "Honey how much do you value being vulnerable?" Crap, crap, crap. Phooey. She had me.

I value being vulnerable. I just refuse to do it. And that is why I eat. I am a fear based prudent prig. But I don't want to be. I want to be an adventurer too. Mark is a County Prosecutor who wins his cases. He is not irresponsible in his work life. At home he lets me take care of absolutely everything because it is easier to not cross me. I control with an iron fist. Lest in any way I should be vulnerable. He is not a spendthrift and yes we can pay off any debt we incur. Yes he has had lessons to learn here also, but I cannot learn his lessons. I can only learn mine. And my lesson about this f*#^ing trip is to let go of control and be vulnerable.

So I'm going. I will sit by myself on the airplane. I will stay in an off brand hotel. I will wear funny clothes because they fit. I will eat alone. I will spend some money so Mark can see some of the things I have already seen. I will call Helen even if she is way thinner than me. I will have a dad gummed adventure. I will be vulnerable.

Take care and I will be back in a week. Love Bea

10 comments:

Helen said...

I am soooooo happy you are coming!!! :-) And I am positive that I am not way thinner than you, by the way. ;-)

I love this post...I relate to A LOT of it. I particularly love the part about rubbing each other smoother...I think that is SO TRUE.

DB and I can't wait to meet you and Mark...let's make it happen!! :-)

P.S. "Funny" clothes are happenin' clothes. Venice, where we live, is a very wacky eclectic place. You'll love it. I promise.

Helen said...

P.S. We can also go shopping...I know great cheap places... ;-)

Annimal said...

I have a great fear of dept too, so I can relate.
I can't wait to hear of your adventure because I have a feeling that this trip may pay off for you bigtime in something other than money.

Anonymous said...

Wow! That is one *Powerful* and self aware post! Thank you! May you nurture your vulnerability until it flowers into a very free you!

Missing Ohio said...

You are my inner voice, my hero. I LOVE everything you write because they are my thoughts. If we met each other, I know we would be best friends but that will never happen so I am content to read your powerful words, your insecurity, your acknowledgment of life. Please write more often because you make me feel sane. You are never alone in your doubts, your frustrations and your dealings with life.

A lurker & reader in Chicago

Vickie said...

loved everything that you wrote - identified with every word.

I am so not willing to be vulnerable in any way.

I have not since I was a small child.

And because of this - I do not ever have -10- days. I am not willing to risk a -0-. so I miss a lot.

you are braver than I am on this front.

if helen is thinner - she will not think one thing about it - so don't let it be in your head either.


since you are going - have a wonderful time (do not fall into poor me - or fault finding).

Anonymous said...

I hope you will have a wonderful time. You can always ask if someone will trade seats with you so you can sit with Mark on the plane. Or perhaps when you check in it can be arranged. If you are spending the money, you might as well have a good time!! Marti

altopower said...

You are brave and clear-sighted and fun. I hope you are able to enjoy some of the trip - I know you'll enjoy the part meeting Helen! - and come back with adventures to tell us about. We'll be thinking of you!

LG said...

Wow what an incredible post. I'm so happy you're going and I'm looking forward to hearing about what it's like to visit Helen!

LG said...

Wow what an incredible post. I'm so happy you're going and I'm looking forward to hearing about what it's like to visit Helen!