I don't usually post two days in a row but I have to get this down on paper, or pixels, lest I forget. See yesterday's post for saga of Mark's job.
I was sitting on the couch today at 10:30 feeling guilty and eating bread and butter sandwiches. I felt guilty because it was 10:30 and I hadn't yet done anything.
Digression---I got up today at 5:30. I let dog out. I dressed, washed face, brushed teeth. I started coffee. I set up ironing board. I fed dog and cat. Mark got up. I ironed shirt and slacks for Mark. I turned on radio and listened to weather. I made cup of tea. Mark read his Bible and then showered. I cooked breakfast (oatmeal, eggs, grapefruit) while drinking tea and listening to local sports and birthday requests. Stripped sheets off bed and put them in the washer. Mark dressed and we sat down to eat. Finished eating and did Bible reading together. Mark put on coat and tie and left for work. I put on boots and went outside to drag huge black trash trolley to side of road. Went indoors and gathered up trash and ran it outside. Too late. Trash truck drove by and did not pick up trash. Again. Called trash people and argued with them about trash guy missing us every week. Trash girl was rude and said someone would be by to pick it up in the afternoon. Went inside and put on coat. Dog and I went outside to pooper scooper and feed birds. Came indoors fixed second cup of tea and sat down to do my devotions. Did devotions and then watched my preacher lady on television for 45 minutes. Got up from chair and transferred laundry to dryer. Noticed time. Felt horrible lazy and sat down on couch and gave in to tears and despair and bread. Felt guilty for not getting anything done.
As I was sitting there in my guilt, sniffing and eating my bread and butter, I chanced to tune into my thinking as my vision circled the room. My glance first fell on the television. I felt guilty for watching Joyce in the mornings. I felt guilty because there was a light layer of dust on the t.v.. I looked at the clock above the t.v., it was late and I wasn't doing anything. I looked at the walls. I hadn't washed them since we painted them three years ago. My eyes traveled to my desk. More dust. Inside a welter of unfiled stuff and indecision about what to discard. Also guilt about not sticking to budget better. Calendar came into view next. Gad, the days I have wasted doing nothing useful. Door next. The door has some scuff marks on it. Mirror next. Permanent streaks on mirror from years of spaying Windex on it instead of on rag first when cleaning. Mark's chair next, chair cover needs washed and side table needs dusted. Coat closet. Full of way to much stuff. Needs cleaned out. Front door. Needs screw tightened in doorknob. Green chair. Towel in chair seat is covered in cat hair. Window. Drapes need washed. Window is filthy after winter. My chair. Way to many books on side table. More dust. Magazine on the floor. Floor needs vacuumed. Sofa in front of picture window. Drapes need attention. Window is dirty. Cushions need cleaned. Cat hair on back of sofa where cat is sleeping in sun. Fat woman eating bread sitting on sofa feeling guilty about every damn thing in the room. I forgot the sleeping dog. Felt guilty I had not taken Mollie out for a run yet. (I did not feel guilty about the cat. She is living like a queen.)
My whole life has been based on feeling guilty for not measuring up. As the guilt piles up I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate feeling overwhelmed and out of control so I eat to ease the feeling. I then spiral deeper into guilt/despair for the eating and eventually become inert. Then I sleep.
Woke up at 2:00 pm. Prayed for deliverance from guilt. Prayed hard. I am not going to live like this. I am just not having it. I am not going to feel guilty for every f**king thing I do or do not do. Conviction comes from God. Guilt and condemnation do not. If I sin, I feel convicted, I say sorry, I make amends if possible, and I move on. If I feel guilty it is just tricks of the puny one and I stay stuck. NO MORE STUCK.
Take care. Love Bea
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Faith Less
Okay I can take a joke as well as the next guy, but eight inches is just silly. It was five below last Tuesday and today it's snowing. I'm so over winter.
Life goes along apace. One job interview down, a couple more to go.
If we have to move again it will really tell what I am made of faith wise. I demonstrated minimal faith during the last two moves. The move up here to our mountain paradise rental house happened so fast I didn't have time to panic and over control. Plus we sold our house at home and made money so I wasn't worried sick about finances. When we bought this house and moved I was exhausted and pissed off but not too fearful. This time will different.
Our house is worth $50,000 less than when we bought it three years ago. Fifty thousand dollars. I am having trouble even getting my mind around this fact. The market is flooded with for sale homes much nicer than ours. We have done a lot to this house but it is still ninety years old and small. I fear ain't no one out there a gonna want a vacation home with oodles of charm but no dishwasher. We are trying to figure out what to do about the house if Mark gets one of the jobs. None of the options are appealing. This is where the faith comes in.
If we move we will have to do a U-Haul move as we can't afford a mover. We used up all our savings fixing up the house. Traveling to and from interviews and house hunting is expensive. If we found a place then there are all the down payments and first and last months rent. I have been figuring out how to cash in our IRA and life insurance. I don't know where we will get the money to move otherwise. This is where the faith come in.
Mark has much experience at his job and in the past this has been a huge asset. Not any more. Experienced attorneys are first in line for all the jobs going. The weirdness at his current job seems to be resolving, but now the county is slashing the budget. His position may well go half time in June. If he doesn't find a job by then we will be in a world of hurt. This is where the faith come in.
I have been reading the want adds. I could apply to be a car hop, or work at Sub-way. Part time of course. I was gong to call about the car hop job and was told the summer fast food jobs are reserved for local teenagers and kids home from college for the summer. This is where the faith comes in.
I hate not being in control of my life. Scares the crap out of me. But there is not one darn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I can't fix the housing market. I can't fix the unpleasantness at Mark's job. I can't fix the county finances. I can't make someone hire Mark. I can't make someone hire me full time at more than minimum wage (which isn't enough to pay the bills). I can't get our savings back out of this house. I can't make it quit flipping snowing. I HAVE to rely on God.
So I am. Love Bea
Life goes along apace. One job interview down, a couple more to go.
If we have to move again it will really tell what I am made of faith wise. I demonstrated minimal faith during the last two moves. The move up here to our mountain paradise rental house happened so fast I didn't have time to panic and over control. Plus we sold our house at home and made money so I wasn't worried sick about finances. When we bought this house and moved I was exhausted and pissed off but not too fearful. This time will different.
Our house is worth $50,000 less than when we bought it three years ago. Fifty thousand dollars. I am having trouble even getting my mind around this fact. The market is flooded with for sale homes much nicer than ours. We have done a lot to this house but it is still ninety years old and small. I fear ain't no one out there a gonna want a vacation home with oodles of charm but no dishwasher. We are trying to figure out what to do about the house if Mark gets one of the jobs. None of the options are appealing. This is where the faith comes in.
If we move we will have to do a U-Haul move as we can't afford a mover. We used up all our savings fixing up the house. Traveling to and from interviews and house hunting is expensive. If we found a place then there are all the down payments and first and last months rent. I have been figuring out how to cash in our IRA and life insurance. I don't know where we will get the money to move otherwise. This is where the faith come in.
Mark has much experience at his job and in the past this has been a huge asset. Not any more. Experienced attorneys are first in line for all the jobs going. The weirdness at his current job seems to be resolving, but now the county is slashing the budget. His position may well go half time in June. If he doesn't find a job by then we will be in a world of hurt. This is where the faith come in.
I have been reading the want adds. I could apply to be a car hop, or work at Sub-way. Part time of course. I was gong to call about the car hop job and was told the summer fast food jobs are reserved for local teenagers and kids home from college for the summer. This is where the faith comes in.
I hate not being in control of my life. Scares the crap out of me. But there is not one darn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I can't fix the housing market. I can't fix the unpleasantness at Mark's job. I can't fix the county finances. I can't make someone hire Mark. I can't make someone hire me full time at more than minimum wage (which isn't enough to pay the bills). I can't get our savings back out of this house. I can't make it quit flipping snowing. I HAVE to rely on God.
So I am. Love Bea
Friday, April 2, 2010
Poleaxed
This post is of no great consequence but I just had to say something to somebody.
I have a friend who had gastric bypass surgery almost two years ago. I have talked to her off and on during that time. Of course I always ask how much weight she is losing. She will not tell me. Says it is none of my business. True enough. Well yesterday she told me.
She has lost 207 pounds. She weighs 122 pounds. She is 53 years old.
Just think about that for a minute. Two hundred and seven pounds. She has lost more than I weigh and I am fat. In less than two years she has done this. How is this possible? I was and still am stunned. How can you be 53 and weigh 122 pounds? She weighs less than her daughter.
I asked how she felt about losing all of that weight. "Fine" she said. I said she must feel like a new woman, and younger. "No" she said. What is it like to go through the world in such a radically smaller body I asked? "My knees don't hurt." Surely you must be having some sort of emotional reaction to it all I said. "Not really" she said. Well I ask you, is this possible?
Yes I am jealous. We might as well get that said right up front. I am also so happy for her I can hardly convey it. I love her and she was trapped by her weight and it was killing her. She has now been given and accepted a new lease on life. So why isn't she acting like a condemned woman who has been pardoned? I sure would be. I would be shaking my skinny booty all over town. I have some theories about this.
Remember Star Jones and how weird she acted after she lost all her weight? Like she was standing naked and vulnerable before the world and the only way she could protect herself was by downplaying the weight loss. Maybe this is what is happening to my friend. Maybe it is all still too new and she hasn't yet figured out how to be thin. Or maybe she is still the same person who has never dealt with her emotions. Or maybe (and this is painful to admit) she knows how jealous I am and fears I can't be supportive. What ever it is, it was like running into a brick wall, and it hurt.
I guess the post had more consequence that I first thought.
Happy Easter to all of you. Up from the grave He arose!
Love Bea
I have a friend who had gastric bypass surgery almost two years ago. I have talked to her off and on during that time. Of course I always ask how much weight she is losing. She will not tell me. Says it is none of my business. True enough. Well yesterday she told me.
She has lost 207 pounds. She weighs 122 pounds. She is 53 years old.
Just think about that for a minute. Two hundred and seven pounds. She has lost more than I weigh and I am fat. In less than two years she has done this. How is this possible? I was and still am stunned. How can you be 53 and weigh 122 pounds? She weighs less than her daughter.
I asked how she felt about losing all of that weight. "Fine" she said. I said she must feel like a new woman, and younger. "No" she said. What is it like to go through the world in such a radically smaller body I asked? "My knees don't hurt." Surely you must be having some sort of emotional reaction to it all I said. "Not really" she said. Well I ask you, is this possible?
Yes I am jealous. We might as well get that said right up front. I am also so happy for her I can hardly convey it. I love her and she was trapped by her weight and it was killing her. She has now been given and accepted a new lease on life. So why isn't she acting like a condemned woman who has been pardoned? I sure would be. I would be shaking my skinny booty all over town. I have some theories about this.
Remember Star Jones and how weird she acted after she lost all her weight? Like she was standing naked and vulnerable before the world and the only way she could protect herself was by downplaying the weight loss. Maybe this is what is happening to my friend. Maybe it is all still too new and she hasn't yet figured out how to be thin. Or maybe she is still the same person who has never dealt with her emotions. Or maybe (and this is painful to admit) she knows how jealous I am and fears I can't be supportive. What ever it is, it was like running into a brick wall, and it hurt.
I guess the post had more consequence that I first thought.
Happy Easter to all of you. Up from the grave He arose!
Love Bea
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Still Here
Thank you all for your posts. I didn't realize how much my inexpert handling of my crap resonated with people. Is a comfort to know my feet of clay extending clear up to my a** is helpful to someone.
Mark's job is on hold for two months. His position will be reevaluated again at that time. If all goes well we will stay here, if not we move.
I have learned much about politics in the past month. I am not a politician's wife. I am much too soft hearted. Criticism of Mark just about kills me. Especially when it is unjust. Insight: If you go around picking up your bosses crap...you end up with crap on your hands in spite of a sterling character. Insight: If your wife gets mad and makes a big scene at the Republican convention and comes close to knocking down a county official it does not help your public career. Even if a number of men come up to you afterward in private and tell you how lucky you are to have a wife that loves you that much. Go figure.
The spectre of job loss and a move shocked and galvanized me. I spend way to much money on stuff to alleviate loneliness and boredom. Food would be at the top of the list. Books would be second and movies/t.v. come in third. The prospect of possibly having no paycheck in two months has forced me to stop my self indulgent spending. And...we got wayyyyyyy to much stuff. I am going through our stuff with a stern eye. If I don't want to pay to have it moved, out it goes. This is as far as I have come, but we only found out the bad news about the job a week ago.
I have done more praying in the past three weeks than in the past three years. I am learning to put the future and the past in God's hands. I can only work with today. I have a couple of scripture verses I go around muttering all day. They help. Oh I had better confess I am still angry and bitter at specific people about the way Mark was treated. Mentor Mary says the best way to deal with your enemies is to pray for them. It is like "heaping coals of fire on their heads." I now remember these people in my prayers...oh, about a thousand times a day. I am sure this is not how she meant it.
I am fine. I can handle major crisis and pain. It is the day to day little stings that trip me up. Mollie is fine. We had a flat tire fixed the other day. People are always telling me how beautiful she is. The tire store was no exception. She was the belle of the ball. Not bad for a dog who spent the first year of her life chained to a tree eating her own poop. She is snoring at my feet.
I have a fine husband, a good dog, a character filled cat and a God who loves me. I am blessed.
AND I HAVE LOST SIX MORE DAMN POUNDS!!!!!!!!
Love Bea
Mark's job is on hold for two months. His position will be reevaluated again at that time. If all goes well we will stay here, if not we move.
I have learned much about politics in the past month. I am not a politician's wife. I am much too soft hearted. Criticism of Mark just about kills me. Especially when it is unjust. Insight: If you go around picking up your bosses crap...you end up with crap on your hands in spite of a sterling character. Insight: If your wife gets mad and makes a big scene at the Republican convention and comes close to knocking down a county official it does not help your public career. Even if a number of men come up to you afterward in private and tell you how lucky you are to have a wife that loves you that much. Go figure.
The spectre of job loss and a move shocked and galvanized me. I spend way to much money on stuff to alleviate loneliness and boredom. Food would be at the top of the list. Books would be second and movies/t.v. come in third. The prospect of possibly having no paycheck in two months has forced me to stop my self indulgent spending. And...we got wayyyyyyy to much stuff. I am going through our stuff with a stern eye. If I don't want to pay to have it moved, out it goes. This is as far as I have come, but we only found out the bad news about the job a week ago.
I have done more praying in the past three weeks than in the past three years. I am learning to put the future and the past in God's hands. I can only work with today. I have a couple of scripture verses I go around muttering all day. They help. Oh I had better confess I am still angry and bitter at specific people about the way Mark was treated. Mentor Mary says the best way to deal with your enemies is to pray for them. It is like "heaping coals of fire on their heads." I now remember these people in my prayers...oh, about a thousand times a day. I am sure this is not how she meant it.
I am fine. I can handle major crisis and pain. It is the day to day little stings that trip me up. Mollie is fine. We had a flat tire fixed the other day. People are always telling me how beautiful she is. The tire store was no exception. She was the belle of the ball. Not bad for a dog who spent the first year of her life chained to a tree eating her own poop. She is snoring at my feet.
I have a fine husband, a good dog, a character filled cat and a God who loves me. I am blessed.
AND I HAVE LOST SIX MORE DAMN POUNDS!!!!!!!!
Love Bea
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Long Time No Write
Almost a month has passed since my last post. Much has happened.
Mark's job is in jeopardy. This came as a bolt out of the blue. We will know by March 16 if we will be job hunting. If the job goes we will have to move. I have been reading a resume book and trying to piece together some kind of marketable skill. Turns out being a housewife for the past ten years was not a career boost. I am not hopeful about selling our house. Nothing is moving here house wise. Maybe we can rent it.
Our church seems to be imploding. This is not as much of a surprise as the job thing but it is just as painful.
On the fat front things are stable. I stopped attending the group. Turned out to be way too winter for a weekly eighty mile drive in the dark. I talked to the leader about the distance. She says there may be another group starting thirty miles closer to us in the near future. I have my fingers crossed. I have lost five pounds and my craving/bingeing is quiet at present. This is a blessing.
I think my life as a blogger is drawing to a close. I hate what I write on here. I started this blog with the hope of becoming a great writer. What I whinge on about now is not worth reading. I also started writing to chronicle my weight loss journey. Well...my journey has stopped and I have settled down on Fat Lane. I may well weigh 198 lbs until I die.
I had hoped to be a funny uplifting example of weight loss stick-to-it-iveness and Christian charity. Ha. I am fifty pounds lighter and I have (almost) quit swearing. Hardly Mother Theresa. I have gained twenty pounds back and this constant griping does not reflect Faith in God. Phooey. Reading my blog requires antidepressants. This is not what I want.
For the few of you still reading and commenting. Thank You. I will be posting until March 16th.
Love Bea
Mark's job is in jeopardy. This came as a bolt out of the blue. We will know by March 16 if we will be job hunting. If the job goes we will have to move. I have been reading a resume book and trying to piece together some kind of marketable skill. Turns out being a housewife for the past ten years was not a career boost. I am not hopeful about selling our house. Nothing is moving here house wise. Maybe we can rent it.
Our church seems to be imploding. This is not as much of a surprise as the job thing but it is just as painful.
On the fat front things are stable. I stopped attending the group. Turned out to be way too winter for a weekly eighty mile drive in the dark. I talked to the leader about the distance. She says there may be another group starting thirty miles closer to us in the near future. I have my fingers crossed. I have lost five pounds and my craving/bingeing is quiet at present. This is a blessing.
I think my life as a blogger is drawing to a close. I hate what I write on here. I started this blog with the hope of becoming a great writer. What I whinge on about now is not worth reading. I also started writing to chronicle my weight loss journey. Well...my journey has stopped and I have settled down on Fat Lane. I may well weigh 198 lbs until I die.
I had hoped to be a funny uplifting example of weight loss stick-to-it-iveness and Christian charity. Ha. I am fifty pounds lighter and I have (almost) quit swearing. Hardly Mother Theresa. I have gained twenty pounds back and this constant griping does not reflect Faith in God. Phooey. Reading my blog requires antidepressants. This is not what I want.
For the few of you still reading and commenting. Thank You. I will be posting until March 16th.
Love Bea
Friday, January 29, 2010
A Bright New Shiny Day
I went to my first Support group last eve. It is where I need to be. I am them and they are me. I am not alone.
This will be short as we are going traveling this weekend. I plan to turn 53 sitting in a hot springs stewing my aching bones. Back to the Group. Thanks be to God I was ready to handle all I learned there. If I had not had the revelation of being "right in Christ" I could not have stood it. "In Christ" I am becoming a new creation and old things are passing away. But, I have hit and drug bottom several times during my life. I have been ashamed of my willingness to drop down into the mire, and then my seeming inability to lift myself out of said muck. I have felt contaminated at my core. "In Christ" I no longer feel contaminated, but, last night I found out I am set apart because of my familiarity with degradation and despair. I need the company and support of other people who have come to the end of themselves and found God to be their only strength. I have been toting a burden I didn't even know I was carrying for a long, long time. With God's help and the care of others' I see a way clear to putting it down.
Amen Love Bea
This will be short as we are going traveling this weekend. I plan to turn 53 sitting in a hot springs stewing my aching bones. Back to the Group. Thanks be to God I was ready to handle all I learned there. If I had not had the revelation of being "right in Christ" I could not have stood it. "In Christ" I am becoming a new creation and old things are passing away. But, I have hit and drug bottom several times during my life. I have been ashamed of my willingness to drop down into the mire, and then my seeming inability to lift myself out of said muck. I have felt contaminated at my core. "In Christ" I no longer feel contaminated, but, last night I found out I am set apart because of my familiarity with degradation and despair. I need the company and support of other people who have come to the end of themselves and found God to be their only strength. I have been toting a burden I didn't even know I was carrying for a long, long time. With God's help and the care of others' I see a way clear to putting it down.
Amen Love Bea
Thursday, January 21, 2010
More New Directions
Why does the cat throw up every time I start to do yoga? I am listening to the music and breathing and breathing and getting calm and, blammo... yowling, retching and whoops-daisy-up comes breakfast. Then I have to stop, go and get the carpet cleaner, and the paper towels, and spend ten minutes cleaning up everything. Ruins the moment. Oh, and when I am doing the camel thing the dog gets underneath me and licks my face. Makes me almost want to take up jogging.
A rough bunch of days since my last post. Bad dreams, lethargy, food cravings from hell, self pity and massive amounts of anger. I have been in a bad way.
But something happened to me this morning. I will attempt to explain but may not succeed. My spiritual vocabulary is not large. When I awaken in the mornings I feel fine for about two seconds. Then the assault starts. Every fault I possess and their consequences cycle through my mind. At the top of the list is the fat thing. I feel like a thousand pound weight (no pun) has been dropped on me and I think "what is the use of fighting." But fight I do. I say "This is the day the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I launch myself into my day. If not with gladness, then at least with massive movement. Since owning my sugar addiction the assault has been multiplied ten fold and I have been unable to launch myself into anything. I have grudgingly drug myself from spot to spot. My desire has been to fade into weary nothingness. Last week I earnestly sought help, received it and then did not have enough oomph to avail myself of it. But...The Help came and found me.
I decided last week to walk on the treadmill every morning. Of course I did not get it done every morning so I gave up. Only this morning I didn't. I got up and got on the darn thing. It was so boring I went and got my CD player and headphones. I didn't want to take the time to find new music so I decided to listen to what was in there. Of course it was Joyce Meyer. I was disgusted. I did not feel like listening to her preach at me and make me feel guilty. But I was too lazy to change the CD so I listened. She was preaching about being "the righteousness of God in Christ." I have heard this sermon theme enough times to quote it chapter and verse. I never understood what she or the Bible meant. This morning I finally got it.
Some of the folks in my childhood taught me I was a befouled being who would cause a lot less bother if she were just dead. Then the church got a'holt of me and told me I was a worthless sinner who deserved hell. I imprinted the idea I was a befouled sinner who should keep out of every one's way until she most likely went to hell. OK so now I buy a book that offers me the joyous opportunity to re-acknowledge "I am a sugar addict and my life spirals out of control because of it." Right. I am a befouled sinner who needs to stop bothering people to get her needs met, prepare for hell and accept the fact that she is an incurable addict to top it off. Gad, who wouldn't feel a tad down at the mouth in the mornings?
My intellect did/does not think I am contaminated or going to hell. It was my soul that believed the lie. Until this morning. Grace allowed me to see my true condition. In Christ I have been made "right." Fixed, cured, cleaned. The I of me is fresh as the morning. I am truly becoming a new creature. This revelation makes all the difference. I am right. I have an addiction. I am not my sins or my faults or my addictions. I, I, I, am right.
How will all of this play out? Beats me. I am way less freaked out and downtrodden about it all. I will ask the God of my understanding to "please help me to do your will" and then do the best I can to listen carefully. I have an addiction to sugar. I will need always to be abstinent. I need the support of others like me. I still need to finish withdrawal and get abstinent. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention withdrawal? Seems I keep forgetting about it entirely. Surprise, surprise. Most of the awful stuff I have gone through this past week could be attributed to what??? Withdrawal. I think I will ask the God of my new understanding for some help with that.
Take care. Love, love, love Bea
A rough bunch of days since my last post. Bad dreams, lethargy, food cravings from hell, self pity and massive amounts of anger. I have been in a bad way.
But something happened to me this morning. I will attempt to explain but may not succeed. My spiritual vocabulary is not large. When I awaken in the mornings I feel fine for about two seconds. Then the assault starts. Every fault I possess and their consequences cycle through my mind. At the top of the list is the fat thing. I feel like a thousand pound weight (no pun) has been dropped on me and I think "what is the use of fighting." But fight I do. I say "This is the day the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and I launch myself into my day. If not with gladness, then at least with massive movement. Since owning my sugar addiction the assault has been multiplied ten fold and I have been unable to launch myself into anything. I have grudgingly drug myself from spot to spot. My desire has been to fade into weary nothingness. Last week I earnestly sought help, received it and then did not have enough oomph to avail myself of it. But...The Help came and found me.
I decided last week to walk on the treadmill every morning. Of course I did not get it done every morning so I gave up. Only this morning I didn't. I got up and got on the darn thing. It was so boring I went and got my CD player and headphones. I didn't want to take the time to find new music so I decided to listen to what was in there. Of course it was Joyce Meyer. I was disgusted. I did not feel like listening to her preach at me and make me feel guilty. But I was too lazy to change the CD so I listened. She was preaching about being "the righteousness of God in Christ." I have heard this sermon theme enough times to quote it chapter and verse. I never understood what she or the Bible meant. This morning I finally got it.
Some of the folks in my childhood taught me I was a befouled being who would cause a lot less bother if she were just dead. Then the church got a'holt of me and told me I was a worthless sinner who deserved hell. I imprinted the idea I was a befouled sinner who should keep out of every one's way until she most likely went to hell. OK so now I buy a book that offers me the joyous opportunity to re-acknowledge "I am a sugar addict and my life spirals out of control because of it." Right. I am a befouled sinner who needs to stop bothering people to get her needs met, prepare for hell and accept the fact that she is an incurable addict to top it off. Gad, who wouldn't feel a tad down at the mouth in the mornings?
My intellect did/does not think I am contaminated or going to hell. It was my soul that believed the lie. Until this morning. Grace allowed me to see my true condition. In Christ I have been made "right." Fixed, cured, cleaned. The I of me is fresh as the morning. I am truly becoming a new creature. This revelation makes all the difference. I am right. I have an addiction. I am not my sins or my faults or my addictions. I, I, I, am right.
How will all of this play out? Beats me. I am way less freaked out and downtrodden about it all. I will ask the God of my understanding to "please help me to do your will" and then do the best I can to listen carefully. I have an addiction to sugar. I will need always to be abstinent. I need the support of others like me. I still need to finish withdrawal and get abstinent. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention withdrawal? Seems I keep forgetting about it entirely. Surprise, surprise. Most of the awful stuff I have gone through this past week could be attributed to what??? Withdrawal. I think I will ask the God of my new understanding for some help with that.
Take care. Love, love, love Bea
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