50 Secrets

I attained half a century yesterday.

Spent morning doing housey stuff and listening to a Joyce Meyer tape. The main message on this tape was; God created me to be who I am, personality quirks and all, and, He loves this unique creation. Pretty heady stuff for someone who was raised to hate herself.

Okay, so I ruminate on how and why God created me to be me all morning. I also muse about what believing in and accepting His unconditional love might mean in my daily life. Keep in mind I have been a redeemed Christian since youth. "Why God" I prayed "has it taken me 50 years to live as though You loved me?" God answers prayer.

Okay so I go to give blood in the afternoon. This was my first time. I guess as a nurse I felt the health care system had sucked enough life blood out of me over the years and so refused to donate more. But I am no longer a nurse, so I went to donate. Whoa Nelly. They do ask some personal questions. I have herpes zoster and have had for twenty years. It is well controlled with medication but never cured. I do not tell a lot of people. Venereal diseases do not generally come up as a topic of conversation in my circles, so for the most part I get to ignore it. But, to give blood you are asked directly, "Do you have any communicable diseases?" I either had to tell a bald faced lie or fess up. I lied. The first of a multitude. Education level came next. I do not have a Master's Degree. I have an old Nursing Diploma, a Bachelors Degree, a 3.9 grade point average, a phi-beta kappa key and an unfinished thesis. Did I say any of that? Noooo. I checked off Masters Degree. The young tech doing my intake interview was by now very intimidated. I had already told him in loud ringing tones I was a nurse. Weight. How much did I weigh? 175 I said. I then regaled him with my weight loss success. He looked even more impressed. He took me in and gave me to the lab people. More questions. I asserted my nursehood and my weight loss first thing. All were very deferential. Time came for the actual venipuncture. I am not now a nurse, but I was. I said quietly to the phlebotomist, "I have herpes." She stopped of course. More questions, "Open lesions, last onset, duration, medicated, effectiveness?" She was very professional and kind and I was still humiliated. Not about having herpes. About lying.

After the hold up I passed muster and the actual blood letting was uneventful. I sat in the chair and kept my embarrassed mouth shut. I had to spend twenty minutes in the canteen after the procedure. There was a nice young mother sitting next to me with her ten month old son. I love babies and could not resist playing with him. She said I seemed to know a lot about child rearing and asked if I had children. "No" I said "I couldn't have any." What new b*llsh#t was this? I chose not to have kids. In point of fact I probably spent thousands of dollars over the years to keep from having kids. I then regaled her with stories of my sister's five little children I had helped care for. Good grief. My sister does indeed have five children, two of whom are older than I. I learned to care for all of those kids in my time in the foster homes. Why didn't I say that?

Okay so now I am done lying at the hospital so I go to the health food store to pick up my order. I really like the young woman who is starting this venture. Turns out she is also an EMT and has pulled her back out lifting a patient. Me too, in the past. We compare notes. I offer advice on how to stop the back pain. So far so good. She then tells me she is starting a latte place in the store. I worked in a latte place for four days once long ago. I begin to tell her what to do and not to do with this business. I gave her good advice (it was a long four days) but did not tell her I was just a peon and not the owner. She listened and was grateful. Grateful. Made me feel like a dog.

Okay so now I go home. Marks says, "How was your day?" I said fine. Would it never end?

Moral of this sorry tale. God loves me, just as I am. He made me, just as I am. I have not been loving me just as I am. I do not need to embellish anything for anyone. I am lovable and loved just as I am. Take care of yourself.

Love Bea