Just had a very disorienting, uncomfortable conversation with a friend. She has been reading my letters to you. She was shocked that I swore and hated social groupings. Her good opinion of me changed on a dime. My whole Christian life has been filled with these minefields. When we become Christians we are made new creatures, but not overnight. In fact for me it may take a life time. "Growing in grace" is one of my favorite terms. So...since I am still growing I will always have a lot of the old nature left in me. And... my old nature swears, gossips, is judgemental, has a nasty temper and has had more sex than a hooker. I am not proud of these sins and have, and do, ask for forgiveness. But, I am getting sick of hiding them. Do I wish they were not there, yes. Can I pretend to be "Sister Super Christian" anymore, no.
In our conversation I revealed my desire to beat the sh*t out of half the people I know. She said shocked, "Oh Bea you are not like that." Kind of a stupid thing for me to have said if I wasn't "like that." She had a notion of who I should be and did not want to see who I am. Made me mad. (Big surprise.) Mad at me.
I am the one who led her to believe I had only one facet. Why? I value her good opinion. So I became who and what she valued. A lot of her values are also mine so I guess I became what I value also. But then I was/am stuck in the small christian box. How to be in the world but not of the world is very confusing/confining for me. I get sick of an all "light" life. My personality has some very dark patches in it which I am loathe to give up. Why? Because the creative side of my life seems to flow from these patches. I think this to be blatant nonsense as I worship the "Creator." But my feelings tell me differently. I thank God for the blessings in my life and then yell the f word when I get mad. I need your prayers. I do not know how to reconcile my dark patches with the Light. "Ask for forgiveness and give them up" feels like death. Which I suppose it is in a way. Death of the old sinful nature. The "old sinful nature" dances, and drinks and flirts, is irresponsible, vain and selfish and generally looks to be having a good time in life. Sister Super Christian ( thanks Joyce) smiles and works and is responsible and looks miserable most of the time. She is sure boring.
I guess my basic question is, "How to be a creative Christian without tapping into the dark patches?" If you have answers to any of this please send it my way.
Take care of yourself. Love Bea