The Wall

Darn hard to type in gloves, even fingerless ones. I am going to freeze in here before this winter is over.

I have hit the wall. My weight has been the same for at least five months. I am very discouraged. True, in that time we have moved cross country and I have been eating like some one who has just moved cross country. But I also sort of stuck to my food plan. Two weeks ago I decided to really buckle down and follow the plan to "start losing again." So, the past two weeks I have eaten well and... nothing. I had been telling myself I wasn't losing because I was being too loose with my eating. The evidence is now in. I am plateaued.

I am going to join Curves to see if weight resistance will make a difference. I am already using the treadmill and bike (combined) daily for 30 minutes. I swore I would never exercise like a mad dog, but arf maybe the time has come. Walked over to Curves and got price list and met owner. Price doable and owner friendly. Even her dog was cute. Maybe will meet some like minded people. Women in our church are lovely but still determined to "pink lady" me. I have fatter fish to fry right now in my life and do not want to spend my free time at the hospital.

Walked to new health food store. Ordered some gains to cook in my new rice steamer. Told girl at the counter about my food plan. During this conversation I noticed I felt like a fake talking about my weight loss. Couldn't figure it out. Finally decided that if I am losing then I feel like the weight loss is real but if I am stuck then I fell like I weigh 245lbs. again. Not. Why can't I enjoy the weight I currently am? I sure enjoyed it when it was down from 190. Weird. Had a scary thought. What if I don't lose more? Could I be happy at 180? I still look fat but not obese. Can buy normal (18-XL) clothes. Cholesterol and triglycerides are better. Lots of women weigh more than 180. What is driving me? I want to weigh 140. Just realized I have lost more that 50 lbs. When started food plan was at 235. My highest weight was 245. That is 65lbs! At 245 lbs. 180 would have seemed thin. Now it seems huge. Very tricksy this fat. What does it all mean?

It means I will stick with program and join Curves. I will attempt to be happy weighing 180-181 until I start to go down again. I will stop eating darn salt. I will not be a pink lady. Take care of yourself.

Love Bea