Thursday, January 18, 2007

Life In Lapland

I am cold. I have been cold for three months. I miss my radiators. Cannot go there. Mourning for my former home is as yet too painful. I hate being a renter. Will we ever own a home again? Can't go there. Too stupid to borrow worries. I am grateful for this house and the town. I believe God has placed us here for a purpose. I just wish my faith would stay screwed to the sticking point.

This letter is blah. I feel fairly happy and contented until I sit down to write and then something happens to me. Some other whiny, sarcastic, ungrateful, mean spirited women takes over. I am embarrassed by her, and repelled by her, and shocked by her and I just love her. She expresses all the things I can't. Is she my shadow self? Is she a buildup of years of "taking it?" Does she need to be expressed or should I squash her flat? Is she the me without the fat to hide behind? I hope not. Is she possessed by the devil or angelically directed? Do I need to own her? Probably, but I don't want to. She makes me nervous. So opinionated, so sexy, so self-confident, so mean. Is this the unredeemed me? Is this who I am without the saving power of Christ? Is the mealy mouthed boundariless chameleon the real Christian? No. That I am sure of. Who is this woman who wants to beat the sh*t out of everyone? Is she the menopausal me? Is this who I am without estrogen? Martha Stewart? I hate her. I think she is a big fake. Am I a big fake, and does it matter? My identity is melting. I am truly boundariless. A goodly number of my external supports have been removed. I am like a jellyfish. A beautiful formless, floating thing with a hell of a sting. Remember Towanda? Maybe this writer person is Towanda.

All this introspection is not good for me. Or it is good for me? Or is it just is? God direct me.

Take care of yourself. Love Bea

7 comments:

Vickie said...

http://charitybyar.blogspot.com/

I check in this one every day for her "reading" - you might enjoy checking it out if you haven't already.

Vickie said...

Janice Taylor
Our Lady of Weight Loss
Is on Discovery Health
TONIGHT at 9:30pm
(Check local listing to confirm time zones)

Cindy184 said...

I loved this post, and thanks for commenting on my blog. I'd like to know about the contract your husband drafted to sell your house. I won't lose as much money if I don't have to pay such a big fat real estate agent fee. But then, I am no sales person. I am still pondering and getting information. I am dedicated to moving, but wanting to lose as little as possible. And I don't want this bump in the road to make me crazy enough to start eating like a madwoman again either.

I can relate to everything you wrote in this post. The past couple of years I went through this deal where I just kept wondering who the heck I was afterall. Really. And I am still finding out and I think I am a moving target at the moment.

Charity said...

Hi! I got your comment on my site. Check in often and email me at charity dot byar at gmail dot com if you like.

I could identify with a lot of what you wrote today. I have days where I just want to nit pik EVERYTHING and it is so hard to see the positive. I try to hide that part of myself from other people though. I'm sure they would be shocked if they heard some of the thoughts that roll around in this head sometimes. Fortunately God will listen to us vent if we need to. I know sometimes we think it is wrong to vent to Him, but David did in the Psalms, so I figure that maybe it's ok for me sometimes too. I think He can take it better than our loved ones.

I've heard the suggestion of starting a gratitude journal - where you write down three things you are grateful for every day. I always think it would be a good idea, but then never follow through. Maybe it is something I should start...

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