Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Running On Empty

I bought a rice steamer and a crock pot. (Good opening line for a first novel don't you think?) Okay so to go with the steamer and pot I went to buy beans and grain. A bag of beans and a bag of rice, right? Nope. I came home with enough legumes and bird food to start my own Oxfam relief operation. As I was trying to find places for all this fiber in an already well stocked pantry I had an epiphany. I am unable to recognize a full pantry/closet/bank account/schedule/ relationship, or stomach. If it is not bulging then I think it is empty. The cupboards are full and still I buy/need/want more.

To quote a quotable quoter, "Why is enough never enough?" Fear. If I do not have an over amount then I run the risk of running out. The cupboard will be bare. And then what? Then I will die.

What the heck? Where did that come from? Do I truly feel I will die if I run out of mayonnaise or toilet paper or socks? You betcha. Something in me hates to face emptiness on any level. If it is empty who will fill it? me, i will have to rely on me. But I can't rely on me, and so I will die. Why am I unable to rely on me to fill it? Because I can't. Why? Because I am unable to meet my needs on a basic level. Why? Because I am too small. If I run out of bread/love then I will get no more because the powers will not feed me, and I will die.

Was this true? Too sad yes. Is it true now? No. With God's help I can feed myself. I can rely on myself. I will not die if I run out of beans, I will just go and buy more. If I can't afford more I will ask for more from loving ones. If loving ones can't help me I will rely on the Lover of my soul to provide me with beans and Bread. Overstocking-stuffing=Fear+Faithlessness. With God and my reliable self enough is enough.

Take care. Love Bea

4 comments:

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