I am a procrastinator. I have read a dozen books on the subject. I have had counseling about it. I have tried all sorts of home remedies to get things done. Nothing so far has helped. And yet I get allot of things done. I can put out a prodigious amount of work. But not unless I am under the gun time wise. I suffer.
Yesterday was a watershed day. Everything I had put off for days, months and years all demanded to be finished. Immediately. I crumbled. I haven't thought about suicide in years, but yesterday the pointlessness of my person came clear to me. (I am sure the killings in Virginia had something to do with this.) I was overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I needed and wanted to do and had put off. I was disgusted with my lack of discipline. I love discipline. The people I admire most are disciplined. I don't like them, but I admire them.
Small stuff that would take no time at all I am not getting done. The house is dirty. The laundry unfinished. The bills and finances are in disarray. We are out of toilet paper and cat food. I am eating sugar free raspberry jam and fat free yogurt at every meal because I don't want to cook. Mark is getting fast food. I am being crushed by the sheer volume of useless stuff we own. We need a new mattress, computer, glasses, teeth capping and a rake. We have the money for all of it. I think... I haven't balanced the checkbook in a coon's age. No checks are bouncing anyway. But I can't seem to get off the dime and purchase any of it. I am behind in my correspondence and phone calls. This writer thing will never happen unless I actually write something. But to write I need to clear off the desk, buy a computer, find a desk chair, put away the boxes in the office, download crap I have written from Mark's computer to an as yet non-existent new computer, learn how to burn CD's or find disks...Gott In Himmel. All I want to do is navel blog.
So, time. Summer is approaching. Relatives and friends are reserving rooms. Time pressures usually motivate me. And I signed up to host some church sponsored revolving dinner party. Fear should be prodding me to action. Wouldn't want anyone to see dirty house, unpacked boxes or leaf covered lawn. Very embarrassing to get shut off notices for lights because of unpaid bill. Cats look like walking fur balls because I am not brushing them, have to hide cats. Will begin to gain weight on diet of fast food and sugar free jam. But I am not moving. I was/am a mess.
Am I depressed? I sure have all the signs and symptoms. I don't think so. I think...perfectionism has just pummeled me into inertia. Again. Remember my motto, "If a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well." Bul-l-l-l-shit. I am "welling and shoulding" my self into a self induced early grave. I can't just do a little of something, I have to go at it like I am killing snakes. And I expect the results of my efforts to be spectacular. Perfect in fact. Who can attain perfection? No one. Yet that is what I expect of myself. Is it any wonder I put things off? Okay, I actually knew all this a long time ago but head knowledge is not enough. I don't need another plan or motivational speech or time constraint, I need deliverance.
Today I got up and gave my perfectionism and procrastination to God. "I can't control this. You will have to do it for me. Please help me. Amen." I then did not know what to do next. My mind again began to swirl with all the stuff I needed to do. "What now God?"
"Go brush your teeth he said. And don't think about anything other than teeth." Okay I brushed my teeth, now what.
"Make the bed. Only think about making the bed." Check, bed made.
"Take out chicken for supper." I had to go thru exercise cum store room to get to freezer. I stopped to clear off a shelf. "Chicken," God yelled, "just chicken." Check, chicken done. What next?
"Iron two shirts and two pair of slacks." Began ironing, and thinking of all the waiting work. "Turn on some music," God said, " and listen to the words. Don't think." Check, Frank Sinatra, no worries.
This went on all morning and is in fact still going on. "Okay now is the time to blog. Start writing." Check.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea