Monday, April 2, 2007

Tasty Treats

In the past three days I have had a chocolate milk shake, fried chicken, crab & avocado salad, a prune danish, garlic mashed potatoes, various pasta salads, a steak, rye bread, two candy bars, several diet cokes and a brownie. I lost two pounds.

Fat is weird.

We had a wonderful time together on our anniversary trip. No snow and did lots of things. Did go to museum and see Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. Also Blood and Ink exhibit. Was a history of the printing of the Bible. I was ambushed by this second exhibit. Museum had on loan several Books of Hours. My thesis was going to include two of the very books in the exhibit. My abandoned thesis. My failure. The reason I am not a professor of Medieval history but am instead a fatish blogger. I stood in front of the Guisse Book of Hours and cried. Very embarrassing. I am not a good crier. Too many years of shutting it off. But, cry I did. I had forgotten how much I loved church history. How we as Christians theologically got to where we are today fascinates me. The world of professional history. The world from which I was/am shut out. I had not expected to run into it in a smallish museum in Idaho Falls.

Will I ever be willing to make peace with my expensive failure? Who knows? As the list above denotes I did not attempt it this weekend. I bought a candy bar in the museum gift store and ate throughout the rest of the trip. The food did the trick. I was able to shut off my buried feelings and enjoy the time I had with Mark. Went mattress and pop-up camper shopping. And made a Wal-mart and Macy's run. In fact we ran most of the time we were there. Probably accounts for the two pound weight loss. Bought new "foundation" garments, i.e. new bras, underwear and slip. Also bought a "body shaper." Can't believe I bought this thing. I hate girdles. It does make my sheath style Easter dress look better. The whole underwear buying thing is a blog in itself.

Snowing today and I am pooped. Hot flashes, herpes attack and no sleep last noc. I am going to have to address this thesis thing. I would rather gain ten pounds than open it all up again. I am comfortable being an ex nurse. I am not comfortable being an ex medieval history grad student. Yes Ethels I realize I have just run into (or been given, Grace you know) one of the reasons for my "plateau." Fooey.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Debra said...

If you don't mind my asking, why are you/were you shut out from pursuing your degree? It sounds as though you have, indeed, found a genuine source of passion with which to fuel your inner life.

Beula said...

I will be writing about this, sigh. Some quick answers to your question. In the main because I gave up on my thesis and quit the program. No MA = no PHD, no PHD = no teach.
1. Pride - mine.
2. Pride - my adviser's.
3. Thesis Committee troubles from the get go. Committee was too diverse. Intra and inter departmental politics were a nightmare. I was oblivious.
4. Lack of focus.
5. Money troubles.
6. Fish out of water. Was hard for me to move from health care to history.
7. Entitlement.
8. No voice.
9. History department's PHD program was shutting down.
9. I was tired.

I hate unfinished stuff. This whole period of my life seems unfinished. I want to be finished with it.

Anonymous said...

It's never too late to get the degree. My mother got her Masters on her 60th birthday!! Maybe a different school would do the trick. You can do so much on line these days. Glad you had such a wonderful anniversary trip. I hope Mark made it to Barnes & Noble - I miss that the most altho' I have lived for almost 8 years without one within a decent driving distance. Marti

BigAssBelle said...

been missing you, out of touch. catching up . . . i'll be back.

Cindy174 said...

I have an interest in religious history and I have always been attracted to religious art. Museums are full of surprises, that is for sure. You can channel your interests and even pursue the degree or pursue the interest without the degree. Maybe the encounter, once you heal the old hurt of the loss of opportunity at the time, you can revive the study itself. I may not be making sense but what I mean is you can still enjoy your passion even if you don't get a degree in it. Or for that matter, you could still get the degree perhaps. But the main thing now sounds like an opportunity to heal something, and that is a great opportunity in itself. Your trip sounded great, and a prune danish, that sounds intriging......

daisyk said...

Well, you got some information, Beulah. You don't have to do anything with it until you're ready to.

On the other hand, the list of things "we" would rather gain 10 pounds than get into is threatening to shut down way too much of our reality &/or personality. I'm facing this myself right now & trying real hard not to eat my way through it.

At least church history won't go away. It'll be there if & when you're ready. & getting a professorship ain't easy, so you add "Do I need the degree?" to that 10-pounder.

What kinds of chocolate bars?

BigAssBelle said...

The food did the trick. I was able to shut off my buried feelings and enjoy the time I had with Mark.

doesn't it though. i just wish it would quit. would i then never pick it up again? who knows. you write beautifully. your trip sounds fabulous. i'm sorry you've lost something so important to you.