Wednesday, April 4, 2007


One of the things I love best about Mark is his Frankenstein imitation. He sticks his arms out straight in front of him and walks lock kneed toward me saying "F- r- i- e- n -d" in a deep voice.

I am trying to befriend my self and it ain't easy.

Gad this girl is resistant to niceness. She won't respond to compliments, praise or encouragement. I have also offered sympathy and empathy. She has turned them down cold. "Leave me alone. I am a fat pointless failure. No one really wants to be around me or cares about me," she says. What to do in the face of this implacable idiocy? I have first and foremost recalled God's love, and the many friends and family who love her. This seems to make some small impression. She will grudgingly admit,"Yes I do know I am loved." I decide to build on this.

Now, would someone who loved you push you to eat rubbery cranberry sauce left over from Thanksgiving at three o'clock in the afternoon. Even if you did mix it with fat free yogurt? "No," she will slowly agree, "it's disgusting." What would someone who loved you ask you to do? "Well," she temporizes, "I guess they would tell me to eat something healthy and good tasting." Might they also ask you why you are eating? "They might." Good land, this is like pulling teeth. How would you respond? "I would tell them to get fu...." Language, language. Now if you really accepted their love how would you respond. "I would tell them I didn't know." Well if you did know, what would you say? "I would say I don't know any other way to comfort myself." Is that true? "No...I know other healthy ways, they are just not as immediate." So what you really want is immediate gratification for any and all pain? "Yes."

Let's switch tracks. If you loved someone, as you are loved, would you encourage a life of immediate gratification? "No." Why not. "Is childish for starters. Only babies get to have immediate gratification." Did you get immediate gratification as a child? Now stop looking at me like that. "No probably not." Will you think long and hard about the ramifications of your last statement if we move on? "Okay." Why else would you not encourage immediate gratification? "Does not build patience or a sense of reward." These are important to a healthy happy life? "Yes. Self esteem is built on them." So...a friend would want you to esteem yourself? "Yes, if she loved me." Are you loved? "Yes, I am loved." Can you model this love and esteem youself? "Maybe." How? "I'll dump out the moldy crogurt and have a cup of tea. And maybe a nap."

Brava friend.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


BigAssBelle said...

oh Bea, that's absolutely lovely. thank you so much for sharing it. beautiful. lynette

BigAssBelle said...

Bea, I just noticed that you're reading Gladys Taber. I love that woman!! Love her books.

Honey, I wish I could tell you how to do those linky things. I can send you some code if you send an email address to me at

bigassbelle atatat gmail dododdot com

(hope that eludes the spammers. sigh.)

Beula said...

Lynette, I figured it out I think. I will put up "my people" tomorrow. I love, love, love Gladys Taber. Like being wrapped in a quilt in front of a fire drinking hot chocolate with cats on your feet and loved one snoring in recliner. Peace in a book jacket.

Debra said...

Great post, Bea, and a wonderful processing of the thoughts and feelings that lead one to and away from "crogurt." Why is it so hard for us to feel loved? I guess if you didn't get it (the feeling -- I know most of our parents expressed love to us in the ways they could) as a child, it's very difficult to get and sustain it as an adult. Faith really helps.

Cindy174 said...

When I was doing my therapy and having a bunch of astounding realizations about why I did things that did not make much sense, I ended up making some peace with myself. I wrote letters to me, comforted the old me, with the new me's wisdom and abilities, and forgave me. I still have to do stuff like that sometimes. I asked myself what I needed back when certain things were happening to me, and I tried to give my old self what it needed at the time. Even though it was late, it was still very healing. That's what I thought of when I read your post. That process of becoming my friend. The old me sometimes seemed more like an enemy of self, rather than a friend. Thanks!!!

Vickie said...

Loved this post!

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