She's baaaack. Had a massage this morning. Was great. She told me my third chakra(sex/money) was closed. Too right. Also asked me how I felt about myself? She said my second chakra was "void." You have to be semi secure to let this woman massage you... Told her I was struggling with my weight plateau. How discouraged I am about being stuck. She asked me how much I weighed, I told her. She asked me what I wanted to weigh (145) and I told her. She then asked very gently,"What if 181 is it?"
'IT?" I almost got up and left. How dare she even suggest I was not going to lose the rest of the weight. Getting to 145 has become my new life goal, my obsession, my raison d'etre. It is also making me hate myself...more. What if I don't lose any more weight? I have to face this.
I have lost 65 pounds. That is a goodly amount of weight. But it doesn't count. It is not 100 pounds. In my own mind I won't be a "real loser" until I weigh 145. Where do I get this stuff? I also am still fat. I am no longer obese (182 is cut off point) for my height but I am still fat. I wear 16-18's and not 3xs and 24s but they are along way from a size 6-8. I am still fat. Can I live happily with only losing 65 of my preconceived 100 pounds? I don't know.
First things first. Why is it only 65 pounds? At 245 I would have killed to lose 65 pounds. Now it is not enough. Why can't I congratulate myself for losing the weight? Every time I see Sonia she compliments me and says how great it is that I have lost the weight and am keeping it off. And I am keeping it off. Inspite of frequent meltdowns with a 3-4 pound weight gain I always go back down to 180. My body is apparently happy and fairly healthy at this weight. I walk every day, eat healthy and also have some treats. I like my eating and exercise plan. I can get around without problem, I can buy clothes that fit and I look fairly normal. Mark who loved me at 245 loves me at 181. If 181 is it, could I be happy? I would sure like to know I could be.
Is 181 "settling' or perfectionism or healthy?
Settling. I like my eating plan. But my body had gotten used to it. I need to make some changes, read lower calories. I don't want to go lower. I resent going lower. The plan as I am using it seems doable. Lower calories seem like hunger and diet. I don't want to get back into all of that. I finally feel free of all that. I also don't want to learn some new plan. I have this one figured out to a t. I am comfortable. If my preconceived plan notion would just die down I think I could be happy where I am. Is that a crime?
Perfectionism. Yes it is a crime. "Settling" for anything else other than the 100 pounds is just giving up. 181 is not thin. I am still hiding behind my fat layer. At 181 I don't have to get out of my comfort zone. I do not have to meet the world as a thin person. I can still be the me I know, the fat me. I do not have to develop any new facets or behaviors. Being unwilling to adapt my food and exercise plans to my changed body is wanting to stay fat. And that is why I started this long process, because I no longer wanted to be fat. 181 should bother me. It reminds me how far I have to go. It is a rest stop, not the end of the journey.
Health. Is a big question until the health fair. Will my cholesterol and triglycerides be within the normal range at the 181 weight? There is no doubt most of my other chronic health problems have cleared up. I feel good most days. I am seldom sick. My vital signs are marvelous. I think at 181 using my current food and exercise plan I am fairly healthy. If I wasn't menopausal and fifty years old I would have no physical problems to complain of.
I want to be content where I am if my "numbers" are healthy. If I lost more it would be great but I am tired of hounding myself about it. I have lost 65 pounds and that is really something. I accept my accomplishment. Amen.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea