Friday, April 13, 2007

What If 181 is It?

She's baaaack. Had a massage this morning. Was great. She told me my third chakra(sex/money) was closed. Too right. Also asked me how I felt about myself? She said my second chakra was "void." You have to be semi secure to let this woman massage you... Told her I was struggling with my weight plateau. How discouraged I am about being stuck. She asked me how much I weighed, I told her. She asked me what I wanted to weigh (145) and I told her. She then asked very gently,"What if 181 is it?"

'IT?" I almost got up and left. How dare she even suggest I was not going to lose the rest of the weight. Getting to 145 has become my new life goal, my obsession, my raison d'etre. It is also making me hate myself...more. What if I don't lose any more weight? I have to face this.

I have lost 65 pounds. That is a goodly amount of weight. But it doesn't count. It is not 100 pounds. In my own mind I won't be a "real loser" until I weigh 145. Where do I get this stuff? I also am still fat. I am no longer obese (182 is cut off point) for my height but I am still fat. I wear 16-18's and not 3xs and 24s but they are along way from a size 6-8. I am still fat. Can I live happily with only losing 65 of my preconceived 100 pounds? I don't know.

First things first. Why is it only 65 pounds? At 245 I would have killed to lose 65 pounds. Now it is not enough. Why can't I congratulate myself for losing the weight? Every time I see Sonia she compliments me and says how great it is that I have lost the weight and am keeping it off. And I am keeping it off. Inspite of frequent meltdowns with a 3-4 pound weight gain I always go back down to 180. My body is apparently happy and fairly healthy at this weight. I walk every day, eat healthy and also have some treats. I like my eating and exercise plan. I can get around without problem, I can buy clothes that fit and I look fairly normal. Mark who loved me at 245 loves me at 181. If 181 is it, could I be happy? I would sure like to know I could be.

Is 181 "settling' or perfectionism or healthy?

Settling. I like my eating plan. But my body had gotten used to it. I need to make some changes, read lower calories. I don't want to go lower. I resent going lower. The plan as I am using it seems doable. Lower calories seem like hunger and diet. I don't want to get back into all of that. I finally feel free of all that. I also don't want to learn some new plan. I have this one figured out to a t. I am comfortable. If my preconceived plan notion would just die down I think I could be happy where I am. Is that a crime?

Perfectionism. Yes it is a crime. "Settling" for anything else other than the 100 pounds is just giving up. 181 is not thin. I am still hiding behind my fat layer. At 181 I don't have to get out of my comfort zone. I do not have to meet the world as a thin person. I can still be the me I know, the fat me. I do not have to develop any new facets or behaviors. Being unwilling to adapt my food and exercise plans to my changed body is wanting to stay fat. And that is why I started this long process, because I no longer wanted to be fat. 181 should bother me. It reminds me how far I have to go. It is a rest stop, not the end of the journey.

Health. Is a big question until the health fair. Will my cholesterol and triglycerides be within the normal range at the 181 weight? There is no doubt most of my other chronic health problems have cleared up. I feel good most days. I am seldom sick. My vital signs are marvelous. I think at 181 using my current food and exercise plan I am fairly healthy. If I wasn't menopausal and fifty years old I would have no physical problems to complain of.

I want to be content where I am if my "numbers" are healthy. If I lost more it would be great but I am tired of hounding myself about it. I have lost 65 pounds and that is really something. I accept my accomplishment. Amen.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

8 comments:

Debra said...

Hi Bea! That is a really excellent question -- don't you find the questions are just as interesting (and sometimes more so) than the answers? Well, anyway, I just wanted to share with you that I had that same question asked of me when I was around 165 and my resistance to that number sent me almost 100 pounds higher. Now, I would be delighted to maintain 165 or thereabouts. My doctor told me many years ago that 160 would be a healthy weight for me -- not skinny, mind you, but healthy. Can this be enough? And, if it's not enough, can we patiently wait until we're willing to do the work necessary to go somewhere else? Everything you say seems to indicate that you are happy where you are now -- why not give yourself some peace? Why not rest awhile at 181 until you are ready to go somewhere else?

Vickie said...

I spend a lot of time - deep in archives of long time bloggers - and several things are obvious.

If they go too low - and have to fight to stay there - they usually regain.

If they get there too fast - they usually regain.

If they keep talking about what they are going to do and what they want to eat - when they get there - they turn around and start right back up.

If they are doing too much exercise - a level or intensity that can not be maintained as they get older or as an illness/injury arises - they regain.

I think we all have to find a level that we can maintain - eating as we do - happily and forever. I think we have to find a level that we can maintain - even if we can do NO exercise (because stuff just does happen where we can't - sometimes for long stretches of time).

Whether it is hormones, age, metabolism, or whatever - each person has to find a realistic level of weight - not a perfectionist's level - but a long term - realistic level.

Lily T said...

I agree with Debra. Why not rest for a bit before moving on? But for heaven's sake, don't give up!

Anonymous said...

This sounds soooo familiar. I lost 30 pounds. Not as impressive as your 65 pound loss, but impressive enough. I looked pretty good at 178. I felt pretty good at 178. My exercise and eating routine are comfortable and sustainable. I've maintained that weight (with minor fluctuations) for a year.

I'd like to lose a few more. Ten more would put me at a "normal" BMI, but I'd have to shake up my routine. I lost the thirty pounds by getting regular exercise, and eating more healthfully rather than dieting.

It would be hard to up my exercise because I've been nursing a broken foot for the last four months (Walking twenty miles a week on a broken foot for ten months because stress fractures don't show up on xrays means it's taking FOREVER to heal) and an old knee injury has flared up again. I don't know that I'd be willing to up it anyway. An hour a day seems like plenty to me.

I'd have to lower my calories. I don't like hunger and diet any more than you do. I've tried to be more concious of the little extras that pad my caloric intake, but now I'm stuck at 174.

Do I really care enough to do what has to be done? Does it really have to be done? My cholesterol and triglycerides are under control (with a little help). My blood sugar is normal (okay, just barely). My blood pressure is good. My resting heart rate is 60. I'm resigned to not weighing what I did in college (156). I'm always going to be an apple with a lousy waist:hip ratio regardless of my weight (perimenopause isn't helping that either). I have a fiancee who thinks I'm beautiful the way I am.

How important is that last ten pounds? Is ten pounds really going to make a huge difference? Is it arbitrary to pick a number and insist on it? I don't want my whole life to be about controlling my weight.

Deirdre

Andrea K said...

I deal with this issue ALL THE TIME.

I've lost 120 pounds, yet it still doesn't seem good enough. Like you said, it doesn't count. I'm still fat. Granted, I'm wearing somewhere between 14-16 and 16-18 and not the 30-32s anymore. But because I haven't broken the 200/199 barrier I feel like a failure.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We make such huge accomplishments, yet we focus on what we haven't done, what still hasn't been completed.

I have wrestled with the settling/
perfectionism/healthy debate. When do I finally reach a weight where I feel satisfied and content, and more importantly, can maintain? I just don't know. I hope we all can find it.

Beula said...

Thank you all for these wonderful comments.

I ranted on Andrea's blog again today.

Half the reason I got fat was because I considered myself "unsatisfactory." I guess this idiot belief does not change with weight loss. At 145 it would most likely be something else about me that was wrong. This attitude is what needs changing! I'll work on it.

Cindy174 said...

Maybe it is okay for 181 to "it" for today. That is what I am doing with the 174-177 range I have stayed in for a long while. I would have been happy with that 30 pounds ago. Yes, I'd like to take more off and I believe I can and probably will, but for today, it appears to be "it". It is nice to stay at a lower weight instead of it all coming back. I am liking my weight loss today, because it is slow, and because it appears to be a continuous progression, a way of life. Not an emergency that I HAVE to do immediately or else, but a long term commitment to patient progress, self acceptance, and so on. We don't want to cheat ourselves out of the joy of losing what we have lost, but hating ourselves for not losing enough, or more. Let's savor our weight loss experience, bit by bit, and love ourselves at each phase.

Cindy174 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.