Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Trapped

Today I am on a canal boat in England. I am floating along on one of the inland water ways. It is definitely not snowing. I am not trapped in my house because the county road crew plowed the main road and blocked the driveway. Again.

I will now have to shovel out slabs of ice the size of dinner plates (funny how everything with me somehow relates to food) and snow boulders a couple of feet across to be able to get out. We need a snow plow. Is snowing as I write. Four inches predicted for today and twelve inches after midnight. Two more local people were killed this weekend in a snow related accident. Snow has stopped being a scenic sidelight in all of our lives and become a major grim factor.

Still pondering about fat and femininity. I have been stuck for years in an androgynous mind set. I have not felt feminine. I have not felt masculine. Maybe androgynous is not the word I am looking for. Asexual? Nope that isn't it either. Thinner I felt feminine. Fatter I felt...not feminine. When I hit 182 and was just fat (for my height and bone structure) as opposed to OBESE I felt feminine. In my mind I could be fatish and be feminine. Obese I was/am a freak who no longer had/has the right to be feminine. What a load of codswallop. Where do I get this stuff?

Okay, if I am obese at 183 then it is the word that got/is getting to me and not my actual size. Also why if I am "obese" haven't I the right to be/feel feminine? Is this cultural? Are fatter women so hated in our society that we are not even permitted to be women? Are we just amorphous blobs, not women and not men? Or are we so much woman that we are threatening? Or is all this stuff just in my own mind as a result of a molested childhood? Beats me.

I was never into fat power. I did delve deeply into feminist theory. In some circles there was a crossover. "Fat as a Feminist Issue" springs to mind. I couldn't get involved in any of that. During my rabid feminist phase I was thin and living in terror of the fat returning. Twenty five years later I can now see the validity of many of their points. And I still don't want to burn my girdle. Pardon me, "body shaper." I want to know why if I am obese I do not feel feminine?

This has been a round robin post. No answers to be found. By the by, in the sexual arena my excess weight did not seem to matter. For dates, yes. For sex, no. This brings up another whole topic. Is there a difference between being a woman and being feminine? I am now just procrastinating.

Off to shovel ice platters. Take care. Love Bea

7 comments:

callmebabe said...

I agree with you on the dating/sex thing. Why are fat women OK to have sex with, but not OK to date? When I was single it was no problem getting someone to go home with. But I don't recall ever being asked on a "date". Yes, I do think there is such a social stigma. Look at fashions. The higher "couture" won't even be seen creating clothing over a size 8. In the movie "Devil wears Prada" the assistant is chastised for being such a fat girl-as a size 6!
No it's not in your head and I think these attitudes seep into our being until we agree with them.
I do it myself. I see an obese woman with manicured nails and heavy makeup and think "why don't you put the same effort into some exercise?"
Shame on me. I am my own worse judge. I am no better than the rest of the public. Fat acceptance? Not on your life.
Carol

Nory Roth said...

There was a Senator on T.V. yesterday (southern state, Mississippi?) who is co-authoring a bill that would deny obese people entry to restaurants?!?!? Can you say "ASS HAT"??? How can we possibly accept ourselves the way we are when everything out there seems to conspire against us? Studies show that external pressures to lose cause the obese to gain even MORE weight!

Hope the snow removal is going smoothly -- excellent aerobic and weight bearing exercise btw!

Andrea K said...

I have lots of issues with femininity, too, with similar histories of women in my family being more focused on hard labor than manicures.

As for the dating/sex thing, I always noticed (before meeting my husband, that is) that the only men who ever hit on me were very intoxicated. In fact, the fact that my husband showed an interest in me and was stone cold sober was a major reason that I let myself have hope that maybe this could work out.

I wish I had answers for you on these issues, but they're not coming to me.

By the way, I know it's been a long time since I've visited here, and I apologize. I think I'm finally beginning to crawl out of the hole I fell into several months ago. Thanks for hanging in there with me at my blog.

st said...

Aaahhh Bea, you have me thinking about this subject now all the time, i.e. fat and femininity. Have you noticed naturally slim is very scarce. There are us who are suffering, but then there must be a large percentage of slim and trim "feminine" ladies who are suffering hell on earth. What a curse this is of "femininity"!

I think times are changing, people are researching this "curse" better I know there are millions of people out there struggling with this, millions cashing into our miseries and hopefully thousands researching and working on solutions for us, however by the time they come up with something maybe it will be a little late for me. Right now I see Vicky's example as the only way for me. Going out to find a good psychiatrist, get medication for depression, build a long-term relationship with the psychiatrist and the doctor, create an overall support system that works as well as working hard at the exercise and food thingie and tinkering and adjusting every day. I can imagine this is a moment to moment struggle and somehow Vicky has found a template of living that she can easily get back to during her struggles. I still have to get to the beginning of it though, but can imagine one has to have the resolve of moving a mountain to start where she started.

Well, better go here ... you really make me think ... many thanks for the blogs ...

ar

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