Found the answering machine and my cookbooks. Can only find one old phone. I am longing for the cordless phones. Remember phones with cords? Ick. You would think the phones would be with the answering machine wouldn't you?
We are in town today to get dog supplies and for me to use the computer. Mollie finally comes home tomorrow. I am apprehensive about the whole deal. I am most worried about the cats. Rocket Socks loves me and follows me everywhere. I think it may break her heart to have to share me. Whomper Dinky I think will adapt. She hates people and fears nothing. I think she will take Mollie in her stride. If any of you have any advice about how to introduce a canine family member into an all feline household I would welcome your words of wisdom. I have never had a dog before. Can you believe it? I am a fifty year old woman and this will be my first dog. Will be an adventure.
When we first moved up here I wrote about it being like going back in time. The feeling is stronger since we have moved into our new old house. I grew up in a house with a coal furnace and fuses. The movie "Christmas Story" depicts our life. Coal dust, extension cords and continually blown fuses. Welcome to my present. The coal furnace is gone thank heaven and the fuses have been replaced by breakers, but the inconvenience is the same. Our whole house seems to be wired to two breakers. I cannot run the kitchen baseboard heaters on anything other than low and the water heater at the same time. Makes for one cold kitchen. I cannot use the microwave and the toaster at the same time. Makes for one slow breakfast. I cannot vacuum and run the humidifier at the same time. If Mark shaves with an electric razor the t.v. quits. If this sounds funny I am not telling it right. Mark, who grew up in the suburbs, thinks we bought a pig in a poke and are going to burn to death in a huge conflagration. I just unplug something, wait for the breaker to cool off, and go on about my business. It is like second nature. We did it all the time as kids. I can cope wtih this.
It is the bath thing that bothers me. We have two bathrooms. Mark's is in the 1999 addition. It is beautiful and new. At least compared to mine. I think my bathroom used to be a bedroom. I'd say it was updated in the 40's. I have both a shower and a tub, separate. The shower is in rough shape. We haven't yet fixed it. I have been using the tub. The last time I took a daily bath was in high school. Some things you don't forget. Like the fuses/breakers, taking a bath came naturally to me. But something has changed. I am fifty, not seventeen. I had forgotten how athletic bathing actually is. I automatically went into my well remembered ablution routine, and got stuck in the tub. How I slithered around in that high school tub is a mystery to me. I can't do it anymore. I used to get on my hands and knees and rinse my hair under the faucet.... That's how I got stuck. If this sounds funny I am not telling it right. After Mark assisted me to my feet we went out and bought a hand held shower deal. I am moving the shower project to the head of the list.
Okay time to quit. We are going to go home and set up dog stuff and then come back into town for the Christmas Parade. Yep, tractors and horses and floats and the high school band. All covered in Christmas lights and good cheer. And then we all have hot chocolate and cookies out in front of the bank. My seventeen year old self is excited and my fifty year old self is delighted. It is good to be home in "time" for the holidays.
Hope you all had many blessing for which to be thankful. We sure did. Take care of yourselves, Love Bea.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
...and a dollar short.
Found my shoes. Still no internet. Mollie dog comes home this week. Walked on the treadmill for fifteeen minutes today. Took me two and a half hours to find the saftey key thing so the treadmill would actually run. (Found it in with the cat food.) I am sick of being protected for my own good. If I fall off the side I am too dumb to be walking on it.
Very tired this eve, as usual. Went with Mark today to south office. Long drive but at least I was able to get curtain rings so I can put up curtains in the bedroom. Towels draped over the rods are getting to be a pain in the neck. No books unpacked, but the cable guys showed up. I have t.v. again. Finally got all the stuff moved from the garage into the house. I still have way too much junk.
Eating is fair to awful. Bought bigger size jeans today. Too depressing for words.
Will be more upbeat next week. Plan to spend Thanksgiving sleeping. Hope you all have a safe wonderful Holiday.
Take care. Love Bea
Very tired this eve, as usual. Went with Mark today to south office. Long drive but at least I was able to get curtain rings so I can put up curtains in the bedroom. Towels draped over the rods are getting to be a pain in the neck. No books unpacked, but the cable guys showed up. I have t.v. again. Finally got all the stuff moved from the garage into the house. I still have way too much junk.
Eating is fair to awful. Bought bigger size jeans today. Too depressing for words.
Will be more upbeat next week. Plan to spend Thanksgiving sleeping. Hope you all have a safe wonderful Holiday.
Take care. Love Bea
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Home Again
Markovian Theory: "There are worse things than moving but then the war is over and you are discharged."
I am in Mark's office on his computer. Ours will not be set up for another month. We are going wireless and it turns out to be a big darn deal to switch. I will be posting from here on Sundays. Did you miss me? I sure missed y'all.
I am only four pounds fatter. I know, all the stuff I have been through in the last couple of months and my main concern is my fat. I know you know.
Moving was a mitigated nightmare. Only one horse trailer showed up to help, but, the weather was glorious and I got to see lawyers moving furniture. Took six of them to take down the clothesline. All chiefs and no laymen. Ver ver funny. All possessions arrived intact. A miracle.
Horse trailer et. all hauled over the furniture. Mark and I did the rest in the cars. For the last three days of October we got 2-3 hours sleep a night. So tired I was sick. That awful feeling you have after working four or five 12 hour night shifts in a row. Shampooing the carpets at 3am on the 31st was the worst. But we got it done. We got back our whole deposit plus some. The landlords paid us for the improvements we made to the house. As we were leaving a work force was arriving to fix water pipes, faucets, gas leak and electrical problems. Thank God we are out of there. Never buy or live in a house that faces north. Nothing but darkness and trouble.
New house faces west. Windows galore. Cats love it, and so do I. My "creepy flesh colored" living room and bedroom are beautiful. I put lace edged shelf paper on the kitchen shelves. The washer and dryer work when I push the buttons. We watch deer and elk on the mountain side from the breakfast table. I am content. Now if I could just find my shoes. I have one old pair of tennies I have been wearing for a month. I finally went out and bought another pair of shoes in desperation.
Came to the end of myself during this most recent move. Not a pretty sight. Found God at the end of me. Was a surprise. I almost never run out of me. Whole darn move has been about faith and my willingness to trust God. At the end of me, there was trust. I had no other options. I was granted strength, and peace and joy. Praise God.
Found no comfort in binge eating. Made me feel worse. Pattern of eating for pain relief is still present, but some of the nerve synapses must be dead. Thank God.
End of the line for this week. Going home to my snug little home and TAKE A NAP. See you next Sunday.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
I am in Mark's office on his computer. Ours will not be set up for another month. We are going wireless and it turns out to be a big darn deal to switch. I will be posting from here on Sundays. Did you miss me? I sure missed y'all.
I am only four pounds fatter. I know, all the stuff I have been through in the last couple of months and my main concern is my fat. I know you know.
Moving was a mitigated nightmare. Only one horse trailer showed up to help, but, the weather was glorious and I got to see lawyers moving furniture. Took six of them to take down the clothesline. All chiefs and no laymen. Ver ver funny. All possessions arrived intact. A miracle.
Horse trailer et. all hauled over the furniture. Mark and I did the rest in the cars. For the last three days of October we got 2-3 hours sleep a night. So tired I was sick. That awful feeling you have after working four or five 12 hour night shifts in a row. Shampooing the carpets at 3am on the 31st was the worst. But we got it done. We got back our whole deposit plus some. The landlords paid us for the improvements we made to the house. As we were leaving a work force was arriving to fix water pipes, faucets, gas leak and electrical problems. Thank God we are out of there. Never buy or live in a house that faces north. Nothing but darkness and trouble.
New house faces west. Windows galore. Cats love it, and so do I. My "creepy flesh colored" living room and bedroom are beautiful. I put lace edged shelf paper on the kitchen shelves. The washer and dryer work when I push the buttons. We watch deer and elk on the mountain side from the breakfast table. I am content. Now if I could just find my shoes. I have one old pair of tennies I have been wearing for a month. I finally went out and bought another pair of shoes in desperation.
Came to the end of myself during this most recent move. Not a pretty sight. Found God at the end of me. Was a surprise. I almost never run out of me. Whole darn move has been about faith and my willingness to trust God. At the end of me, there was trust. I had no other options. I was granted strength, and peace and joy. Praise God.
Found no comfort in binge eating. Made me feel worse. Pattern of eating for pain relief is still present, but some of the nerve synapses must be dead. Thank God.
End of the line for this week. Going home to my snug little home and TAKE A NAP. See you next Sunday.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Cheery Bye
I am leaving y'all for a while. Moving is in the dead heat faze. Boxes and tape and tears. Moving trucks and trailers show up Saturday. I hope the six inches of snow melts before hand. Painting is almost done. I will shampoo carpets today and tomorrow, I hope. My right arm is almost shot.
We will be in our new digs by Sunday. Mark leaves for out of town trial on Monday. I am trying to get his stuff together now because I'm not sure I will be able to find it on Sunday night. Mollie comes home on Monday. Cats aren't speaking to me. Found WhomperDinky sleeping in Mark's suitcase. I'm not sure what that means. Phone lines will be disconnected here on Saturday. Will be reconnected in new house on Monday. No High Speed Internet available in Grover. I will be back to using a dial up modem. Gad, will take me hours to read and post. Just found this out yesterday when phone company called up to ask directions to Grover....
Oh, by the by. The owners of the rental house are putting in a new water line. They began digging yesterday. They are trying to beat the ground frost. I have no water. Thank God for the new house. We are showering over there. I"m not sure how I am going to clean this house without water. We are hauling buckets of water from Grover to flush the toilets. I feel like a schizophrenic pioneer. Hard to cook without water. We are showering at the other house. I look like Hell.
I have come full circle. We were moving on the exact same dates last year. When I get more time I will do a retrospective of my year. For now I just have time to post this and then start taking the computer components apart.
Adieu dear friends, until we meet in the new house, take care of yourselves. Love Bea
We will be in our new digs by Sunday. Mark leaves for out of town trial on Monday. I am trying to get his stuff together now because I'm not sure I will be able to find it on Sunday night. Mollie comes home on Monday. Cats aren't speaking to me. Found WhomperDinky sleeping in Mark's suitcase. I'm not sure what that means. Phone lines will be disconnected here on Saturday. Will be reconnected in new house on Monday. No High Speed Internet available in Grover. I will be back to using a dial up modem. Gad, will take me hours to read and post. Just found this out yesterday when phone company called up to ask directions to Grover....
Oh, by the by. The owners of the rental house are putting in a new water line. They began digging yesterday. They are trying to beat the ground frost. I have no water. Thank God for the new house. We are showering over there. I"m not sure how I am going to clean this house without water. We are hauling buckets of water from Grover to flush the toilets. I feel like a schizophrenic pioneer. Hard to cook without water. We are showering at the other house. I look like Hell.
I have come full circle. We were moving on the exact same dates last year. When I get more time I will do a retrospective of my year. For now I just have time to post this and then start taking the computer components apart.
Adieu dear friends, until we meet in the new house, take care of yourselves. Love Bea
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Body Double
"Hacer frio."
" Yeah...and my feet are cold too." Sorry about that. It is one of my husband's favorite jokes. Snaining here at the moment. Will probably snow soon.
I'm better. Thank you God and friends. Once again I left my body in the dust and attempted to live in my head only. Must be my life's lesson to learn to live in my body. The screaming helped. Helped a lot. An amazing lot. I can roll with the punches again this morning. What seemed a crisis a few days ago now seems like...life I guess. My poor body.
No exercise (walking), lousy food, tension in neck and back, and minimal sleep. And I ain't 25 anymore either. No wonder I felt so bad. I was trying to "fix" the problem with my drug of choice, sugar, and prayer. Go ahead and laugh. It's funny. "Please God bless my addiction and make it more effective. Amen." Gad. I was attempting to logic my way out of the mess. If I could just figure out my motivations then all my problems would be solved, with God's help of course. Never dawned on me anything physical could be the main problem.
When I face stress I immediately move into my head. I attempt to figure out the problem, and solve it. I need to do just the opposite. Not all problems are solvable. I become anxious if I can't figure everything out. I hoard the stress/worry. I worry on the surface with the semi-fixable dilemmas and store the intractable stuff deep down inside. Periodically I bring up the insoluble cud and ruminate on it. I add it to the immediate conundrums. Makes a horrible wad of stuff I can't stomach. Our bodies and minds are not designed for worry. The brain needs to give the problem to God and the body needs to work out and off the pent up anxious energy. For some reason I feel threatened when my body naturally wants this physical expression. (Fear probably, from years of physical abuse when others got rid of their pent up energy on me.) So I eat to push the anxiety back down and keep it static. The screaming and pounding on the kitchen table were physical. (I broke the table.) In a round about overly dramatic way, my actions were healthy. Would beating the crap out of a tree with a red plastic bat have been better? Yes. Would a fast walk/run have been better yet? Absoflippinglutely. But the screaming worked. I am grateful I do not have kids. I understand my adopted mother m-u-c-h better today.
Okay I learned something. I NEED to pay attention to my body. The healthy food, the exercise, the massages, the new mattress, the bike, and the walking shoes are not luxuries with which I am indulging myself. If I am going to survive intact I have to have them. My body is not just a vehicle for my head. "I" am part and parcel of both. And my spirit. I have spent years and lots of money taking care of my head. I have felt guilty about every penny I spent on my body. (That Puritan upbringing you know.) No more guilt. I want to be a whole healthy person. I will attempt to really care about and for my body.
I have been up since 4am. We went over to the house at 5:30 and painted until 7am. Worked like a charm. I am now going to go for a walk. Nothing is happening weather wise at the moment. I will bundle up and breathe the cold mountain air. I will come home and have a nice cup of tea and do my devotions. And if all that it doesn't work out as planned I will use my new catch phrase..."Okay, whatever."
Take care of your whole selves, Love Bea.
" Yeah...and my feet are cold too." Sorry about that. It is one of my husband's favorite jokes. Snaining here at the moment. Will probably snow soon.
I'm better. Thank you God and friends. Once again I left my body in the dust and attempted to live in my head only. Must be my life's lesson to learn to live in my body. The screaming helped. Helped a lot. An amazing lot. I can roll with the punches again this morning. What seemed a crisis a few days ago now seems like...life I guess. My poor body.
No exercise (walking), lousy food, tension in neck and back, and minimal sleep. And I ain't 25 anymore either. No wonder I felt so bad. I was trying to "fix" the problem with my drug of choice, sugar, and prayer. Go ahead and laugh. It's funny. "Please God bless my addiction and make it more effective. Amen." Gad. I was attempting to logic my way out of the mess. If I could just figure out my motivations then all my problems would be solved, with God's help of course. Never dawned on me anything physical could be the main problem.
When I face stress I immediately move into my head. I attempt to figure out the problem, and solve it. I need to do just the opposite. Not all problems are solvable. I become anxious if I can't figure everything out. I hoard the stress/worry. I worry on the surface with the semi-fixable dilemmas and store the intractable stuff deep down inside. Periodically I bring up the insoluble cud and ruminate on it. I add it to the immediate conundrums. Makes a horrible wad of stuff I can't stomach. Our bodies and minds are not designed for worry. The brain needs to give the problem to God and the body needs to work out and off the pent up anxious energy. For some reason I feel threatened when my body naturally wants this physical expression. (Fear probably, from years of physical abuse when others got rid of their pent up energy on me.) So I eat to push the anxiety back down and keep it static. The screaming and pounding on the kitchen table were physical. (I broke the table.) In a round about overly dramatic way, my actions were healthy. Would beating the crap out of a tree with a red plastic bat have been better? Yes. Would a fast walk/run have been better yet? Absoflippinglutely. But the screaming worked. I am grateful I do not have kids. I understand my adopted mother m-u-c-h better today.
Okay I learned something. I NEED to pay attention to my body. The healthy food, the exercise, the massages, the new mattress, the bike, and the walking shoes are not luxuries with which I am indulging myself. If I am going to survive intact I have to have them. My body is not just a vehicle for my head. "I" am part and parcel of both. And my spirit. I have spent years and lots of money taking care of my head. I have felt guilty about every penny I spent on my body. (That Puritan upbringing you know.) No more guilt. I want to be a whole healthy person. I will attempt to really care about and for my body.
I have been up since 4am. We went over to the house at 5:30 and painted until 7am. Worked like a charm. I am now going to go for a walk. Nothing is happening weather wise at the moment. I will bundle up and breathe the cold mountain air. I will come home and have a nice cup of tea and do my devotions. And if all that it doesn't work out as planned I will use my new catch phrase..."Okay, whatever."
Take care of your whole selves, Love Bea.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Veneerless
Windows are in in the bedroom and bathroom. We had to take down the siding to get at the old windows. Friends came to our rescue thank God. Was a labor intensive project and we did not know what we were doing. Rain at end of the day did not help. But all's well and the new windows are stupendous. Washer and dryer are in. Same wonderful friends helped us tote them over to the new house. Minor hitch in the works. When I turn on the washer it flips the breaker to the kitchen heaters and the water heater. I did ten loads of laundry in cold water. While wearing a coat. At least I didn't have to get quarters first.
Began screaming yesterday during lunch. Couldn't stop. Scared both of us. Second time this has happened to me in past few years. Hollering lasted until I ran out of energy. Then I was relatively normal. Breaking point came I think when I went into the laundry room to get more paper plates and it was flooded. Faucet that washer had been attached to had been trickling for four days and carpet was squishy. Glad Mark was home. We got towels and attempted to sop up some of the water. Wet dry vac is at other house. We soon had a whole laundry basket full of wet towels. We got most of water out of the carpet and I set up some fans to try to dry the floor. We then sat down to eat our tuna sandwiches and apples. Mark announced he would be gone for the last week of the month as he had an out of town trial. And I started to scream.
I can' t move anymore. I used to move with ease. I now root quickly and do not want to be pulled up. I don't even like this rental house that much. (And it sure hates me.) I don't know what is my problem. I wanted a home of my own. I wanted to downsize. I liked the new house. And now I hate all of it. Mark says we are too old to start over with just a toothbrush, bible and the cats. But it sure sounds tempting. Why am I not coping? This is just a move. I have done it dozens of times. Just last October for starters. Why am I coming apart at the seams?
I hate women who can't cope. Who have to be pampered and protected lest they brake. I have prided myself on being strong. And we all know what they say about pride. Well I have fallen into the pit. Will I get as batty as my mother? Who knows. I keep praying but don't seem to comprehend the answers. I do believe all things work together for good so I hope to come out on top of all of this. But at the moment I am dragging bottom. I sure hope I don't start that screaming again.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
P.S. In rereading this I noticed I spelled break, "brake." Like to stop. Very interesting.
Began screaming yesterday during lunch. Couldn't stop. Scared both of us. Second time this has happened to me in past few years. Hollering lasted until I ran out of energy. Then I was relatively normal. Breaking point came I think when I went into the laundry room to get more paper plates and it was flooded. Faucet that washer had been attached to had been trickling for four days and carpet was squishy. Glad Mark was home. We got towels and attempted to sop up some of the water. Wet dry vac is at other house. We soon had a whole laundry basket full of wet towels. We got most of water out of the carpet and I set up some fans to try to dry the floor. We then sat down to eat our tuna sandwiches and apples. Mark announced he would be gone for the last week of the month as he had an out of town trial. And I started to scream.
I can' t move anymore. I used to move with ease. I now root quickly and do not want to be pulled up. I don't even like this rental house that much. (And it sure hates me.) I don't know what is my problem. I wanted a home of my own. I wanted to downsize. I liked the new house. And now I hate all of it. Mark says we are too old to start over with just a toothbrush, bible and the cats. But it sure sounds tempting. Why am I not coping? This is just a move. I have done it dozens of times. Just last October for starters. Why am I coming apart at the seams?
I hate women who can't cope. Who have to be pampered and protected lest they brake. I have prided myself on being strong. And we all know what they say about pride. Well I have fallen into the pit. Will I get as batty as my mother? Who knows. I keep praying but don't seem to comprehend the answers. I do believe all things work together for good so I hope to come out on top of all of this. But at the moment I am dragging bottom. I sure hope I don't start that screaming again.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
P.S. In rereading this I noticed I spelled break, "brake." Like to stop. Very interesting.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Truth
It is 2:56 AM and I am tired. Hot flash and various aches and pains awakened me. Have you noticed how you are who you are at 2 am? No veneer left.
Spent yesterday moving washer/dryer and fridge. Laundry room at new house is done. Is a beautiful color. I now can do the laundry without going to the washateria. Yeah. Windows and doors have all finally arrived. Friend will help Mark install them this weekend. That will also be good. Supposed to get down into the 20's and the wind is whistling through the old ones. Shed arrives on the 25th so we won't have to rent a storage thing for lawn mower and outside furniture. God is providing money from the oddest sources so it looks like we will even make the bills without borrowing. All in all everything is going good with the move. So what is wrong with me you ask?
It is the food thing. Anybody surprised? Sugar makes me happy. It is an unparalleled delight. Candy bars, fudge, cinnamon rolls, pie, ice cream, french fries and low calorie jam. I had all that...yesterday. I want nothing but sugar. I am planning for it. I am looking forward to it. I am stockpiling it. It has become, again, the bright spot in my life. I am an addict.
I cannot control my desire for sugar without help. God's help, friends' help, food plan help. My brain believes Intuitive Eating should and could work. My obsessive body and soul long for the comfort and oblivion of addiction. A truth I have been fighting against for a year. I can face hard times straight on without the cocoon of sugar or I can avoid pain wrapped completely in the cocoon of sugar. What I can't do is face trouble with only a little bit of sugar. It is all or nothing, black or white. I can deal with life clear headed, and suffer like everyone else, or I can escape pain padded in sweet cotton wool. If I eat sugar the pain relief is immediate. My trouble is once removed. Normal eaters do not derive this pain relief from eating. They get no chemical assist from cheesecake. Ipso facto, they don't over eat. Ahh the sweet seduction of my addiction. "Eat, and life will be made easier." Ipso fato. I over eat.
I have never understood the "clean" phraseology in relation to abstinence. I "get it" at this early morning hour. I feel contaminated by all the sugar and fat. Like I need a shower. I feel hung over. Ick.
Okay I am going to take some Mylanta and try going back to bed. Take a lesson from my descent into familiar bittersweet territory. Avoid the first bite. Thanks for listening. I am glad you all are out there. Bea.
Spent yesterday moving washer/dryer and fridge. Laundry room at new house is done. Is a beautiful color. I now can do the laundry without going to the washateria. Yeah. Windows and doors have all finally arrived. Friend will help Mark install them this weekend. That will also be good. Supposed to get down into the 20's and the wind is whistling through the old ones. Shed arrives on the 25th so we won't have to rent a storage thing for lawn mower and outside furniture. God is providing money from the oddest sources so it looks like we will even make the bills without borrowing. All in all everything is going good with the move. So what is wrong with me you ask?
It is the food thing. Anybody surprised? Sugar makes me happy. It is an unparalleled delight. Candy bars, fudge, cinnamon rolls, pie, ice cream, french fries and low calorie jam. I had all that...yesterday. I want nothing but sugar. I am planning for it. I am looking forward to it. I am stockpiling it. It has become, again, the bright spot in my life. I am an addict.
I cannot control my desire for sugar without help. God's help, friends' help, food plan help. My brain believes Intuitive Eating should and could work. My obsessive body and soul long for the comfort and oblivion of addiction. A truth I have been fighting against for a year. I can face hard times straight on without the cocoon of sugar or I can avoid pain wrapped completely in the cocoon of sugar. What I can't do is face trouble with only a little bit of sugar. It is all or nothing, black or white. I can deal with life clear headed, and suffer like everyone else, or I can escape pain padded in sweet cotton wool. If I eat sugar the pain relief is immediate. My trouble is once removed. Normal eaters do not derive this pain relief from eating. They get no chemical assist from cheesecake. Ipso facto, they don't over eat. Ahh the sweet seduction of my addiction. "Eat, and life will be made easier." Ipso fato. I over eat.
I have never understood the "clean" phraseology in relation to abstinence. I "get it" at this early morning hour. I feel contaminated by all the sugar and fat. Like I need a shower. I feel hung over. Ick.
Okay I am going to take some Mylanta and try going back to bed. Take a lesson from my descent into familiar bittersweet territory. Avoid the first bite. Thanks for listening. I am glad you all are out there. Bea.
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