Spring has come to Star Valley. I saw my first robin yesterday. It was frozen in the middle of the road. Ah well.... The locals say the Valley has two seasons, winter and mud. We are into frozen mud. They also say a year in the Valley is composed of nine months of winter, and three months of company. I believe it. I am already being besieged by relations for reservations. The month of July is almost completely booked. Being eighty miles from Yellowstone may not be the advantage I imagined.
Epiphanette = a quiet revelation received when you are too tired and discouraged to resist it.
I reject the addiction model (as I understand it) for my overeating. I am not forced by some chemical chain reaction to eat cheesecake and burritos. I am choosing to eat them. I am not abstinent, because I don't feel like being abstinent. I am not motivated. The secondary gain (no pun intended) I was getting from the weight loss is gone and now it is just every day life and puree old hard work. I hate that. I want to be carried along on the tide of "can do" without having to exercise my will. No es possible. I have to re-form my abstinent habits. I hate that. It is boring and painful to re-plow the same old rows. But, farmers do it every year to get a new harvest, so I guess I can too. I have to say no to my body. Swept up in the euphoria of active weight loss very little willpower was necessary. I now have to form the habit of saying no to my flesh.
I think it is all about habit. I learned early on to use sugar to relieve pain. It worked like a charm. Why would I want to use anything else? Because the side, and front, and rear effects of my pain killer were/are awful. I have heard many people say that the pleasure of being thin is a much better feeling than the pleasure of eating. I don't believe it. I will always in the moment choose baked New York cheesecake over slim thighs. That is where self control comes in. I am deficient in this area. That is where God comes in. "Lead us not into temptation." In my own strength of Will I will not make the healthiest choice. I have determined to ask for help. "Please God give me the strength to make healthy choices for my body and soul." Amen.
I am going to have to white knuckle it for a month, thirty days. With God's help I can do it. After thirty abstinent days the habit will have kicked in and the choices will get easier. I thank God for the phenomena of habit. Pray for me as I will for thee that we may merrily meet in good habit Heaven.
About the " fat thanking." Is not going well. Opened up a new layer of sexual abuse stuff. May also have been that darn light therapy. Who knows? Is not easy to learn to be sensual as an adult when you have been taught as a child that only "sexual" counts. Feels dumb and fake. Ah well...the only way out is thru.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea