Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Don't Stone Me, Part Two

Spring has come to Star Valley. I saw my first robin yesterday. It was frozen in the middle of the road. Ah well.... The locals say the Valley has two seasons, winter and mud. We are into frozen mud. They also say a year in the Valley is composed of nine months of winter, and three months of company. I believe it. I am already being besieged by relations for reservations. The month of July is almost completely booked. Being eighty miles from Yellowstone may not be the advantage I imagined.

Epiphanette = a quiet revelation received when you are too tired and discouraged to resist it.

I reject the addiction model (as I understand it) for my overeating. I am not forced by some chemical chain reaction to eat cheesecake and burritos. I am choosing to eat them. I am not abstinent, because I don't feel like being abstinent. I am not motivated. The secondary gain (no pun intended) I was getting from the weight loss is gone and now it is just every day life and puree old hard work. I hate that. I want to be carried along on the tide of "can do" without having to exercise my will. No es possible. I have to re-form my abstinent habits. I hate that. It is boring and painful to re-plow the same old rows. But, farmers do it every year to get a new harvest, so I guess I can too. I have to say no to my body. Swept up in the euphoria of active weight loss very little willpower was necessary. I now have to form the habit of saying no to my flesh.

I think it is all about habit. I learned early on to use sugar to relieve pain. It worked like a charm. Why would I want to use anything else? Because the side, and front, and rear effects of my pain killer were/are awful. I have heard many people say that the pleasure of being thin is a much better feeling than the pleasure of eating. I don't believe it. I will always in the moment choose baked New York cheesecake over slim thighs. That is where self control comes in. I am deficient in this area. That is where God comes in. "Lead us not into temptation." In my own strength of Will I will not make the healthiest choice. I have determined to ask for help. "Please God give me the strength to make healthy choices for my body and soul." Amen.

I am going to have to white knuckle it for a month, thirty days. With God's help I can do it. After thirty abstinent days the habit will have kicked in and the choices will get easier. I thank God for the phenomena of habit. Pray for me as I will for thee that we may merrily meet in good habit Heaven.

About the " fat thanking." Is not going well. Opened up a new layer of sexual abuse stuff. May also have been that darn light therapy. Who knows? Is not easy to learn to be sensual as an adult when you have been taught as a child that only "sexual" counts. Feels dumb and fake. Ah well...the only way out is thru.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

6 comments:

Debra said...

Bea, great post. I am with you on the addiction front -- I think of myself as a compulsive overeater rather than an addict. I do believe I have a will of my own -- it's just that it's as flabby as the rest of me from lack of use. I also agree with you about the diminishing returns of getting, being or continuing to be "thin." Oh, how delightful to hear someone else say that certain things actually do taste better than being thin. At least, in the moment. And, hey, you string enough of those moments together and you have a lifetime, no? I don't know where the inner strength will come from to get and stay abstinent. I pray for me and thee as you say. I'm beginning my own abstinence (finally) tomorrow. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Just revving up. Good luck, my very talented blogfriend who deserves to beat the rap.

Beula said...

And thee. Mine starts next month. Takes awhile to get all the gear abstinence requires. Why doesn't anyone blog about that? You just don't wake up one morning and live an abstinent/healthy lifestyle. Menu planning, shopping, decaloring the house, buying walking shoes, setting up cooking times and utensils, convincing husband, all these things take time. Are you excited? I am kind of.

Am I talented? This whole "writer girl" thing has thrown me for a loop. I am a nurse. I have wanted to write only for about a year. And now I can't stop. I compose stuff in my head all the time. It is getting to be an obsession. May almost be as good as cheesecake...

Debra said...

I am excited and terrified. Scared I won't make it, scared of what might happen to me if I don't, and for that matter, scared of what might happen to me if I do. I cannot convince my beloved husband to do this right now because he just quit smoking 11 days ago and is (temporarily) using food as a comforter. But, what I can do, is cook my own stuff and have him cook his. He is totally groovy with this system and never needed or wanted a wife to get dinner on the table for him. Yay, me. As for my own cupboard, it's mostly clearing away the skeletons of failures past and getting my mind clear enough to want to be willing to, if you know what I mean. How complex I make this, when really it's simple for me: no sugar in its obvious forms (the less obvious forms, like ketchup, don't set me off), planned meals and snacks.

The sign of a writer: someone of writes. If you find yourself composing constantly in your head, then you definitely are one.

Debra said...

Of course, I meant "someone who writes," not "someone of writes." Can't even chalk that one up to a Freudian slip.

BigAssBelle said...

at my top weight, i'd have said thin is better than cheesecake. but here in my (comfortable for me) moderately (for me) overweight middle ground, i have to agree: cheesecake before thin thighs.

i am happy read that you've come to an understanding of your eating issues. we've all gotta find our own way through this mess. i am grateful that i have you and the equally thoughtful and thought-provoking miss debra to share all of this with.

i am also thrilled to read that you're not a real addict, as i am (or seem to be or could be or whatever the hell i am. am i? oh God). i have a lot of thoughts along these lines and i am cognizant of the fact that compulsive eating at the level i practice it is pretty rare and will not be achieved by most compulsive eaters. i know that i don't have a stopping point. there just isn't one. next stop for me is a Discovery Health special on the 800 pound woman.

maybe it has something to do with the years i spent as a binge eater, followed by the years of bingeing and purging. i really don't know some days and other days i am, by my body's responses, utterly convinced of the truth of addiction to certain substances ~ for me.

then i think about my aa experience and it gets all mixed up again in my mind. i have been sober since 12-6-82. my husband has been sober since 10-19-91.

when i sobered up, gave up alcohol, i was a raving lunatic. i was angry, miserable, didn't have my comfort, my salvation, my make-me-numb chemical. i did not, however, experience the effects of physical addiction to alcohol.

my husband, sweet dimple cheeked angel that he is, was physically addicted. his withdrawal from alcohol was the precipitated by acute pancreatitis, the scourge of serious drinkers everywhere.

so powerful was his physical addiction to alcohol that, when advised in the ER that he needed to quiet drinking or die, he could only ask the doctor "how long do i have." he knew he could not stop. he couldn't go four hours without a drink.

instead of giving him that option, the doc stuck him in the hospital. his detox from alcohol required 10 days in ICU, five of which he spent in full fledged DTs, seizures, strapped down, out of his head. that is someone who is physically addicted to alcohol. that was not me.

but here's the thing that still amazes me. as recoveries go, he has had a MUCH easier time than i have. he got sober and never looked back. he didn't struggle with emotions or turmoil, he was not miserable for years even after sobriety. i met him when he had six months and he was on a pink cloud and he's never come down.

it's as if a tiger had him by the ass, but once freed of those teeth, he was truly free. for me, it's as if the tiger lived inside of me and excising the beast was far more difficult.

he has remained happy, joyous and free, skipping lightly down the road of happy destiny and contented sobriety. it took me nine years of program work just to get to where he started.

i guess i'm sharing all of that just to say that in the end, i think the recovery process is the same. sometimes recognizing addiction ~ like mine to sugar ~ is easier. i know one of the big things that is wrong with my eating. i can't eat sugar. can't. or at least i can't do it successfully.

i think it's harder the other way. oh hell, it's really just hard for all of us. i'm just happy for you, miss bea, to have resolved this in your heart and mind. good for you.

Beula said...

Lynette, "800 pound woman on Discovery channel." I am laughing. Have taken care of people in DTs. Very scary. How to keep them from injuring themselves and how to keep all the lines in place. I hope I NEVER have to do that again. I am grateful to be only a compulsive eater. Never thought to hear myself say that. My black and white thinking again. Either you are and physical addict or you are a psychological addict. Could be there are some shades of gray, huh?

I hope I did not offend you with my advice about your nephews. Only out here in blog land it is all I have to give.

A therapist, a social worker and a nurse. Notice a theme here ladies?