Monday, March 19, 2007

Fear of Vegtables

Mark is full of...theories.

"Millions of unexplained world wide choking deaths" is one of the longest standing. He believes untold numbers of hapless victims are hourly choking to death on raw broccoli. Not on the stalks but on the tiny green gritty parts that make up the crowns. A "concealed epidemic" he calls it.

We are eating abstinently again. This means an increase in our vegetable consumption. As usual Mark is dragging his feet and complaining. Last night I had had it. What is it with you and vegetables I hollered. I am afraid of them he said. Is this about that choking deaths thing again? No, although that is a valid fear, it goes back much further. Alright I said what is it? THEY WILL MAKE MY WIENIE FALL OFF. That stopped me. Now think about it he said. What do all vegetables have in common? They are green. You are a nurse. If a human body turns green what does it mean? I could see where this was headed. Gangrene I said. Exactly said he slapping the table. I eat all that green stuff and my pecker will rot and fall off. Why had I not figured this out? No pecker I guess.

Apparently all young boys are instructed about the wienie vegetable connection somewhere between the ages of seven and twelve. It is one of the most valuable of lessons to be found in the "Man Manual." Man Manual = a book of knowledge from which older men instruct young boys in the art of being a "real man." (I am here to tell you the "Man Manual" is full of some seriously misguided information if Mark is any indication of its imparted wisdom.) Anyway young boys are taught from it to hate and fear all raw food. Apparently stories of innocents being tortured with carrots sticks and kohlrabi are told to young boys around manly campfires all over the known world. Manly campfire = an inferno so large as to signal satellites in space. This early indoctrination seems almost impossible to break.

Mark also believes fruits and vegetables to be unreliable. "You can never count on getting the same apple twice. A Big Mac you can rely on." Pity me sisters.

Back to the broccoli conspiracy. Mark believes broccoli choking deaths are the cause of a huge government cover up. First and foremost the tobacco industry is being demonized to protect the broccoli farmers. "If the country is focused on people dying from smoking then big tobacco is targeted and the broccoli farmers get to peddle their poison unopposed." He also maintains the medical community is in cahoots with the government subsidized broccoli farmers. "How many articles have you read about millions of people dying of emphysema who have never smoked a cigarette in their lives? It is the damn broccoli. Will the doctors ever tell them that, no. They are getting kickbacks from the broccoli farmers."

This is only one of his theories. He has many more. When I have the heart I will write about the Bobites. Bobite = a religious fanatic deer who does not believe in cars. Now I think I will go and make lunch. It will be green and unreliable.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Cindy174 said...

I never knew there was such a thing. I should read the man manual, since I now am raising a boy, he may have missed some key information. He eats veggies, sometimes relunctantly, so maybe I better see if there is an underlying fear.....

Debra said...

I guess Popeye must have had it wrong all those years...

BigAssBelle said...

Why had I not figured this out? No pecker I guess.

exactly. it's a curse and a blessing.

so funny. this must be why the main man "veggies" are potatoes and corn. every man i know, when asked about preferred vegetables, names these two starchy things.

my favorite vegetable of the moment is jicama. tomatoes are my lifetime favorite. i love root veggies roasted at high heat with a spray of olive oil and some sea salt. my husband chokes them down with a look of disgust on his face.

i think part of what makes life so much fun is how different we are. can't wait to hear the other stories.

hugz, lynette

Andrea K said...

I can't decide who is funnier -- you or Mark. You two make a hilarious couple.

My husband has lots of food theories too, many of which scare me. I'll have to check his bookshelf and see if the Man Manual is hiding in there. Maybe I can sneak a peek and see what the heck's going on.

Cindy174 said...

I think of this now when I give my grandson green veggies....I wonder if he has any fears....