Thursday, March 15, 2007

Dumb and Fake

Okay Ethels we are going to dive into some dark and murky water. Sexual abuse. I would like to avoid this but it looks like it is not going to be possible. The massages, pedicures and manicures are doing their work. I am becoming aware of my body, and realize I hate the poor dumb (as in quiet) thing.

"Thank my fat." Damn Sonia (massage therapist). Or bless Sonia. Anyway when I could not massage lotion on my person to even get started with the fat thanking I recognized something was wrong. I hate being sensual. Feels dumb and fake. Feels feminine. YAAAAAAA. That was me yelling. What is going on? Why do I not want to be a woman? Why do I not want to be sensual? Possibilities here roll over me in an almost endless litany. I was after all "liberated" and internalized all the jargon. Tooey. I was also sexually abused and retreated from my body. Double tooey.

I feel asexual. Weird huh, my boobs and ass are huge and I feel asexual? Is this because I am seen as asexual? Is it because fat I can not leap around like a libidinous bunny? What is the deal with fat women being asexual in our culture? But I digress. For obvious reasons I wanted to be asexual. And...I have had a lot of partners. A lot. In my ignorance I lived out the effects of sexual abuse for years. Yet with all this sex I was never sensual. All touch led to sex. Touch for the sake of touch seemed/seems...dumb and fake, and pointless. If it is not going to lead to sex why bother. See what I mean, I got problems.

I am guessing some of this comes from not being touched as an infant and toddler. Mom in her illness did not want to touch me. If she did touch me it was inappropriate. Schizophrenia is a soul numbing disease. Then came the abusers. Years of them. Little blond unprotected girls are easy prey. Triple tooey. I see where my problems originate, how to overcome them is my dilemma.

My current life is blessed. God loves me. Husband and friends love me. I have even learned to accept Husband's loving touch. I thought I was cured of my touch problems. Apparently not. I hate to touch my own skin. (No I do not need masturbation classes. I am adept.) I also hate the feel of the fat. I can put cream on my face but any skin below my chin is on its own. Why after all the therapy and love and work do I still have a fit if I have to put oil on my shins? What is my deal?

Is/was there any body else out there like me? And how did you handle (no pun) it? Sorry this was so intense.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

10 comments:

Debra said...

I am also a survivor of sexual molestation (also blond and cute and also easy prey). There is so much to say about the way that these kinds of violations effect one's life and I won't go into detail here. I do understand how painful it is and how the effects can include a life long struggle with one's own sexuality. The abuse I suffered made me frightened of my own sexual feelings lest by experiencing them fully I would have invited even worse things to happen to me. This presupposes that my feelings are what led to the abuse in the first place. What can I say -- kids are very egocentric and compulsive eating kept me that way. There is healing in understanding, forgiveness and letting go but it comes very slowly with patience and love. I'm glad you have that in your life.

Cindy174 said...

I was not sexually abused as a child but I had some abusive adult relationships. I always felt I got fat to protect myself from men. I am not no longer interested in sex or men and I think I am in limbo. Waiting for when it is safe to come out. But the sad thing is, when is it safe? For, me, I am not quite sure. But I am okay to stay in limbo for a while. At least I am not having any negative relationships right now. I am healing from the ones I had. Even though I have lost weight I am really avoiding my body right now. More limbo. I believe that healing takes a while First comes the discovery of the actual damage. I think you are in the discovery phase now. I know you always knew what happened to you, but it sounds like you are having more and more insight to impacts that still linger. And that I beleive is a positive. I know today at least I feel safe in the life I have right now which is absent of any abusive relationships. I will venture out again someday when the time comes. Thanks for putting it out there like that, not a lot of people can do that. I really appreciate it.

Cindy174 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cindy174 said...

a little more on the protection of fat, and the rebellion of my fat. When I got fat, I was in a relationship where I felt the most like an object and the least like a person. There was nothing obviously abusive about it, and I won't go into it really, but I honestly believe I got fat out of rebellion in some ways. Can anyone relate to that? Rebellious fat?

Beula said...

Debra, Egocentric meaning we felt we somehow caused and/or allowed the abuse?

I resisted that message. I just always felt like a victim. My mother's favorite saying was "beggars can't be choosers." I believed her. Has taken God's grace and 50 years to make a dent in that mind set. I am now damn well choosing LIFE.

Cindy, Rebellious Fat? I will have to give that some thought. I was never good at open rebellion. More passive aggression. (I hate that.) A very interesting idea.

Debra said...

Yes, children are naturally egocentric and believe that everything that happens to them is caused by/relates to them in some way. It's part of what makes children so charming. But in an adult, (a) less charming, and (b)kind of punitive for the person experiencing it as well as those around them.

Cindy174 said...

PS I thanked my fat this morning when I was putting on lotion. I felt unsure what to thank it for, but I thanked it for the experience of being overweight, and for it getting me to the place I am now and to the blogs I read each day and the great people I have found here. Like you, of course. I also thanked it for protecting me. Then I went off to work and forgot the whole thing, but I am going to do it every day when I put lotion on. And see what happens. If I am missing something about the fat thanking deal, stop by my blog and let me in on it. Or post it here.

BigAssBelle said...

thank you for writing this post. there's so much superficial stuff out in the weight loss blog world, it is a relief to read you discussing serious issues that seem to affect fat women more than the female population as a whole.

i have also had many partners and though i won't discount the great fun and excitement and frisky joy in much of that, there was also an element of loneliness after several years.

my leap-to-bed was primarily a way to avoid emotional intimacy. while i wasn't sexually abused as a child, i believe my EI problems stem from my mother's abandonment of me at 12. that was so intensely painful and was such a wound for so long, i never wanted to take the chance of getting close to anyone again.

hopping into bed immediately pretty much precludes a lot of getting-to-know-you crap. i was way comfortable with sex, not so much with letting him know who i was/am.

there were, however, serious sexual abuse issues in the family: my mother was hideously abused by the man i knew as my grandfather from age 4 to 18. he fondled a cousin, was inappropriate with my oldest sister. my mother's disclosure of her own abuse is what led to her depression and, ultimately, to her disappearance.

i'm jumping around here, but my leaps to bed to avoid intimacy left me feeling very uncomfortable with any kind of closeness, the emotional intimacy, as i've said, but also tenderness and gentle touch. i could fuck all day (apologies for the vernacular, but no other term fits), but don't try to hold me in your arms and kiss me and hold my hand.

as i've gotten better through the years, i find that i am more comfortable with gentle touches. i am fine with my husband, but he is not an overly touchy man ~ affectionate, but not too much so. geeze, i'm sounding crazier and crazier. we have a level of emotional intimacy that is fulfilling and works for us. i can tell him anything, i know he loves me absolutely. we talk about our feelings. i trust him 100% not to hurt me and i don't mean the cliche of an affair, blah blah blah. i mean to accept me as i am and be my greatest fan. to see my imperfections and still love me.

somehow with that trust comes the intimacy i didn't KNOW i wanted, but did all those years. i was very very frightened, very closed off behind my armour of food and liquor. to need someone, to admit it, that was the greatest pain and it felt like a shameful thing.

it's crazy, isn't it? all of this tied up with food. i'm rambling, haven't proofed. going to think about this some more. thank you, sweet bea, for your honesty.

Cindy174 said...

So, me jumping into bed was my way of getting to know someone....and it was not until recent years that I realized that it was actually my way to avoid them getting to know me. Not sure if that makes sense but Belle inspired the thought. I had huge intimacy (not physical, emotional)deals, fear of it mostly.

Beula said...

Intimacy. Now there is a loaded word. Gad I hate to be known. If I am known I am vulnerable.