Okay Ethels we are going to dive into some dark and murky water. Sexual abuse. I would like to avoid this but it looks like it is not going to be possible. The massages, pedicures and manicures are doing their work. I am becoming aware of my body, and realize I hate the poor dumb (as in quiet) thing.
"Thank my fat." Damn Sonia (massage therapist). Or bless Sonia. Anyway when I could not massage lotion on my person to even get started with the fat thanking I recognized something was wrong. I hate being sensual. Feels dumb and fake. Feels feminine. YAAAAAAA. That was me yelling. What is going on? Why do I not want to be a woman? Why do I not want to be sensual? Possibilities here roll over me in an almost endless litany. I was after all "liberated" and internalized all the jargon. Tooey. I was also sexually abused and retreated from my body. Double tooey.
I feel asexual. Weird huh, my boobs and ass are huge and I feel asexual? Is this because I am seen as asexual? Is it because fat I can not leap around like a libidinous bunny? What is the deal with fat women being asexual in our culture? But I digress. For obvious reasons I wanted to be asexual. And...I have had a lot of partners. A lot. In my ignorance I lived out the effects of sexual abuse for years. Yet with all this sex I was never sensual. All touch led to sex. Touch for the sake of touch seemed/seems...dumb and fake, and pointless. If it is not going to lead to sex why bother. See what I mean, I got problems.
I am guessing some of this comes from not being touched as an infant and toddler. Mom in her illness did not want to touch me. If she did touch me it was inappropriate. Schizophrenia is a soul numbing disease. Then came the abusers. Years of them. Little blond unprotected girls are easy prey. Triple tooey. I see where my problems originate, how to overcome them is my dilemma.
My current life is blessed. God loves me. Husband and friends love me. I have even learned to accept Husband's loving touch. I thought I was cured of my touch problems. Apparently not. I hate to touch my own skin. (No I do not need masturbation classes. I am adept.) I also hate the feel of the fat. I can put cream on my face but any skin below my chin is on its own. Why after all the therapy and love and work do I still have a fit if I have to put oil on my shins? What is my deal?
Is/was there any body else out there like me? And how did you handle (no pun) it? Sorry this was so intense.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea