Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Big Gap

Twenty below here this a.m.. That's without the windchill. Sun is shining and world is bright and crunchy glorious. I am afeared these blogs are veering off in all directions. But that would be me, veering off in all directions.

I was at leisure today. Really relaxed. Does not happen often as I am usually worried about something. So okay, I have the whole day before me, I am relaxed and have decided to read a little bit before starting my day. I am sitting on the sofa the animals are asleep and the sun is shining in the window. All is right with the world... and I recognize the opening of The Gap. I want to eat. To fill in The Gap.

What is, or causes The Gap?

I am reading two books right now. One is "An Experiment In Leisure" by Joanna Field (Marion Milner) and the other is "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. Both are about monitoring thinking. They are at odds. Joanna encourages following all thoughts to their conclusions and Joyce encourages preempting negative thinking. Immersed in these works, I am going to try to follow my thinking about The Gap.

The Gap is an empty space. Negative space. A vacuum. An open spot in the puzzle crying out for the missing piece. An anxious place. It is always present although most times I don't notice it. I have learned to fill the space with food or sex. I suppose drugs or shopping or alcohol would work too. What is this yawning abyss at the seat of my soul? Is it lack of serotonin or God or coping skills. Is it a physical, spiritual or mental lack? Or none of the above? This morning I was not hungry or troubled. I was fine. And still The Gap.

I am never hungry on vacation or when we go camping. No obsessive interest in food at all. I enjoy it and eat, but it is of no more psychic importance than water or appropriate foot wear. I lose weight on vacation. No Gap. Or is the Gap just being filled with the excitement of travel? This thinking is important and I am going to follow it.

On vacation I am not responsible. Days just happen. Yes I plan, but if the plans don't work out, no sweat. I am not being judged, by me. I leave me alone on vacation. I do not pressure myself to "measure up." Is The powerful Gap the portion of me who longs to live without the fear of being judged and found wanting? Is The Gap ravenous for a life without self inflicted consequence?

It is all my fault. I feel like all the negative things in my life are ultimately my fault as the result of poor choices. Give myself a lot of power don't I? On vacation my mistakes don't count. Kings x, they are canceled out, just as if they were not that important. I live under condemnation. Is The Gap the condemnation? Or is The Gap the absence of condemnation? And, am I so used to it, that I feel naked without it and immediately want to put on a hot fudge Sunday to cover myself!!!?

How do I live without self condemnation? If I could figure that out my hunger would be cut by 90%. Go on permanent vacation? Live life like I was on vacation? Lower my standards? Become totally irresponsible? Get a dog? (No, that doesn't work.) Will think on this.

Thanks for participating in my thought investigation. Very enlightening.

Take care. Love Bea

1 comment:

ar said...

Wow Bea, another really good one. I have had thoughts about something along this line too. I.e. when one goes into art, then they talk about white space. In music it is the quiet spaces in between the notes. So here are we then trying to paint the empty spaces instead of leaving them alone.

I also sometimes wonder whether instead of the serotonin thingie that it has to do with our wiring and short circuits in them. Would be nice to be able to go to a doctor to ask him to check through all my wiring. So instead of bashing myself into a pulp through my own judgmental assessment of my shortcomings, I can tackle something tangible like my faulty wiring instead!

This was a good one thanks Bea.