Monday, January 21, 2008

The How of Hope

I think I should be more cheerful in these blogs. But truth is, right now I am not more cheerful.

Still working on hope. Heard today something that stuck in my mind. "Hope is never giving up. " Yes I have heard that before and for a whole gob of reasons it just makes me mad. But then I heard, "Do something everyday to keep the dream alive." Could this be my formula for not giving up? Mebbe so.

My big dreams:

1. I will not be fat.
2. I will love myself.
3. I will know God better.
4. I will not procrastinate.
5. I will publish something, anything, anywhere.

I am struck by the knowledge that number three should be number one. If number three were number one maybe the rest of the stuff would work itself out. Gad I hate this thinking. More beating myself up for being a lousy Christian. Right here at this point is where I get stuck and begin spinning my wheels. If I am not a "good" Christian then I won't be able, and do not deserve, to achieve anything else in my life.

That stinks. And it is sooooo depressing. I want to be cheerful and uplifted. "In Christ" all I have found is damnation. This is how I feel, not what I believe. I believe God loves me and wants me to love myself. I "feel" like living the Christian life is one more thing at which I am a failure. Feelings lie. Act "as if." In truth I am not a failure, I just feel like it.

We were entertained by two different sets of friends this weekend. I came away feeling fat and noisy and lazy. I was up to my eyeballs in comparanoia and in my mind I was found wanting. When I mentioned this to a friend she said, "you are a catalyst. Parties are boring without you." A catalyst? I thought I was an ass. Feelings lie.

I hope to be thinner. How to keep that dream alive? Read inspirational literature. Open all the boxes of books, dig out everything relating to weight loss, and read the most helpful. Ms. Kuffel here I come, again. Convince husband to walk with me at 0'dark hundred in the mornings. Heck what is five feet of snow and below zero temps, the dog loves it.

Dear God I am sorry I am such a lousy witness as to your love and grace. Forgive me.

Another day, another hope. Love Bea


Nory Roth said...

Doesn't January just suck for so many reasons? Frozen, dark, damp, downright depressing! No wonder we have trouble "walking in the light"!

I try to remember: It may be Saturday night -- BUT -- Sunday's on the way! And with it -- Easter! Re-birth! Just look at the trees.....those buds pregnant with the hope of spring. It's analagous to our lives as Christians. We ALL go through the desert. Sometimes we even wander around for forty years! But unlike Moses, we women will stop and ask for directions. Don't ever quit looking for the way back to God and to yourself.

Thanks for your candor.



Vickie said...

Here is a good one to read.

Vickie said...

this is one of my all time favorites

Cindy164 said...

I like your hope topic. And, when I got to accepting myself fat or thin is when I started losing weight. It was weird. I hated myself for years for the fat thing and then I gave up and then I got better. But the hope for me mostly comes from other people. France's book gave me hope. You give me hope. And others we share the blogging with. Thanks for being a part of my hope.

Cindy164 said...

That's Francis, not France on the book thing. sorry. in a hurry..

Trix said...

I don't profess to know how to be a good Christian. Nor am I judging you on how you choose to live the Christian life as you define it. But, Bea - you gotta lighten up on yourself about God and the expectations you think he/she lays on you. Just be kind to others as much as possible. Live a life built on truth. Say please and thank you. Kiss your spouse like you mean it, wave to the neighbours like you mean it and love your furry creatures as they love you. Try to do something - just one thing -anything! - productive on a daily basis. Look out for yourself so that you can look out for others who need it. And face forward - not backward in the game of life. That's all God -or anyone else - expects from us - or should expect from us. You don't have to be perfect, or never-endingly cheerful, or pious, or published or thinner or... or... or... or..... You just need to try to be the best you can be - now - in this moment. From what I see in your blog - you are a person of honesty and worth already. You may improve and evolve over time - but you are good enough today, as is. And if you asked God - I bet he'd/she'd agree. Keep writing - and remember, you are a gem - just as is.