I think I should be more cheerful in these blogs. But truth is, right now I am not more cheerful.
Still working on hope. Heard today something that stuck in my mind. "Hope is never giving up. " Yes I have heard that before and for a whole gob of reasons it just makes me mad. But then I heard, "Do something everyday to keep the dream alive." Could this be my formula for not giving up? Mebbe so.
My big dreams:
1. I will not be fat.
2. I will love myself.
3. I will know God better.
4. I will not procrastinate.
5. I will publish something, anything, anywhere.
I am struck by the knowledge that number three should be number one. If number three were number one maybe the rest of the stuff would work itself out. Gad I hate this thinking. More beating myself up for being a lousy Christian. Right here at this point is where I get stuck and begin spinning my wheels. If I am not a "good" Christian then I won't be able, and do not deserve, to achieve anything else in my life.
That stinks. And it is sooooo depressing. I want to be cheerful and uplifted. "In Christ" all I have found is damnation. This is how I feel, not what I believe. I believe God loves me and wants me to love myself. I "feel" like living the Christian life is one more thing at which I am a failure. Feelings lie. Act "as if." In truth I am not a failure, I just feel like it.
We were entertained by two different sets of friends this weekend. I came away feeling fat and noisy and lazy. I was up to my eyeballs in comparanoia and in my mind I was found wanting. When I mentioned this to a friend she said, "you are a catalyst. Parties are boring without you." A catalyst? I thought I was an ass. Feelings lie.
I hope to be thinner. How to keep that dream alive? Read inspirational literature. Open all the boxes of books, dig out everything relating to weight loss, and read the most helpful. Ms. Kuffel here I come, again. Convince husband to walk with me at 0'dark hundred in the mornings. Heck what is five feet of snow and below zero temps, the dog loves it.
Dear God I am sorry I am such a lousy witness as to your love and grace. Forgive me.
Another day, another hope. Love Bea