Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Seeing Autum Leaves

This afternoon I am in New England. Husband and I are staying in a small cottage by a stream. Inside, the cottage is all quilts and braided rugs. Outside it is old trees, green lawn and a picnic table. We are spending our days driving around looking at the fall leaves and antiquing. We also are stopping at the Farmer's Market stands and buying apple cider, bread and fruit.

I have begun my vacation life. Cleaned this a.m. and cooked. I borrowed a friend's small vacuum. Took me twenty minutes to suck up cat and dog hair on lower level of house. I didn't move any furniture or rugs. I just went from bare floors to carpet to rugs. I didn't dust. Also did dishes and ONE load of laundry. Emptied trash and straightened up. Tackled file cabinet for thirty minutes. (Was all I could stand.) Put chicken in a pot with veg to cook for supper. Made out grocery list for tomorrow. Shoveled more snow. Made lunch.

I was reading Vickie this morning and was again struck by the difficulty I have in making any effort with my looks if I feel fat. What is the deal with this? Is a mystery. When I feel fat I do nothing about myself other than bathe. I wear baggy clothes and no makeup and no earrings. I am real lucky if I can convince myself to shave my armpits and legs. Cutting my toenails is also a chore. My hair grows out and I don't get it cut and recolored. I end up looking like hell.

I look like hell. Granted, I have been depressed. But now that I am coming out of it I still resent having to make the effort to dress up, because I feel fat. And I am fatter than I was. But not THAT MUCH. I have gained ten pounds and I fell like a blimp. In reality my clothes still fit, howbeit tight, and I don't look much different. But I feel different. Like a blimp. And what is the point of putting eye makeup on a blimp? I think getting dressed up just makes me feel fatter. Isn't that weird? You would think it would be just the opposite. If you feel ugly why not dress up and try to look better? Is it the, "too little to late phenomenon?" What is the deal with me and dressing up if I feel fat?

Somehow I feel like I don't deserve to dress up if I am fat. I also feel like it is pointless. No amount of toenail polish is going to make me look thin. But why can't I be fat and well groomed? So okay some of my cute clothes are tight, but my earrings still fit. And finger nail polish and cute shoes and my hair still fits. Silky legs and underarms have nothing to do with my size either. When I feel thinner I do all of this. I even take bubble baths. If I feel fat all I want is a quick shower. My skin is flaking off because I don't use lotion if I feel fat. Is this not crazy? Sounds idiotic as I write it. What does putting lotion on my feet have to do with my weight? Everything.

What I have been describing is stereo-typical female stuff. If I am or just feel fat I don't feel feminine. Ergo, doing all the girly stuff seems to be false and makes me feel even more unfeminine. Why do fat women wear men's clothes? Yes they fit, but I think there is more to it. Are we acknowledging to ourselves and those around us that indeed fat women can't be feminine? How odd. Fat, we look like the Venus of Willeldorf, yet we feel less feminine. Or is this just me? I have been pondering this for awhile now.

I want to look and feel feminine and be well groomed no matter what my weight or size. Yet I always feel like I have to break through walls to accomplish this goal. Is a mystery.

I am now going back to the cottage and put my feet up, read a book and have a cup of tea.

Happy vacating, Love Bea.

P.s. I will be 51 tomorrow. I am being taken out to lunch and dinner. The other choir members got me a cake. I am going to enjoy it all.


Vickie said...

A very happy birthday to you - enjoy yourself totally.

Nory Roth said...

Happy, Happy Birthday! I wish you a healthy year and as you enter this new decade of your life, I also wish you great wisdom!



ar said...

Hallo Bea! It is 1:57 a.m. in the Middle East, so it is already your Birthday over here, so happy Birthday. My Birthday was on 22 January 54 years old. With emphasis on old as there is definitely something about weight adding years to how I feel.

Thanks for your lovely posting again to which of course I can relate 100% again. It has been in my mind all the time too. To bath is a major RESOLVE. And I HAVE to bath, as somehow with the junk I am putting away, I feel smelly, BUT sometimes over the weekends when I am not sleeping and doing allnighters I may skip, and am probably lucky I have to go to work, have to have the early morning bath and ablutions.

I am looking in the mirror to put on makeup in dimmed lighting and with "not really looking". Just essentials, base, little rouge, little shadow to make my eyebrows look a little darker, and of course lipliner and lipstick. I really hate doing that as that is about the closest I get to confronting "my face". It sometimes help to make faces at me.

I am the fattest I have ever been in my life. My biggest clothes are now growing tight on me. But there is one good thing, Babysteps is rubbing off on me and I know I will get up soon one of these days and do Vicky's major weigh-in and try and put all the destructive energy into constructive output "in babysteps".

Wishing you a wonderful day, all the good things there are for the year ahead, calling a truce with all our demons, new beginnings, starting fresh.

Warm wishes going to the Universe with Bea's name on them!


Anonymous said...

I am with you 100%. I normally don't wear makeup, my skin is my best asset and have never felt comfortable wearing makeup, but why when I feel fat do I not wear earrings? I wear the baggiest/simplist clothes I own and can't force myself to coordinate with scarves, jewelry etc. I agree with ar, I don't look in the mirror except a quick look to verify I am not hideous.
I couldn't even consider going clothes shopping in this frame of mind. I know the outcome. all I would see in the mirror is the bulges,and I would put everything back. I would call myself names and find the nearest cookie shop and buy a dozen day old cookies and eat them all the way home.
You find the answer please let me know.

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