"If you don't got hope you don't got nothin."
Christianity is based on hope. We hope our sins do not drag us into Hell. Just kidding. I am not sure hope and fat are compatible. They aren't for me. I think that's some of what ails me, they probably should be. If I am fat I think I am worthless. Sounds hopeless to me. But...if I believe God loves me ( read, died to absolve me of my sins and give me eternal life) in whatsoever condition I am in, then I am not worthless. So with that logic, the fat should not matter. I should be able to love me fat or thin. I should have hope.
So, what do I deduce from all of that palaver. I deduce I do not really believe God loves me. Oh God, it's hopeless. My circular thinking suddenly strikes me as pathetic, and hilarious. Alright, there has to be an answer to this conundrum.
I am a worthwhile lovable person fat or thin. My thinking is just wrong. My wrong thinking tells me I am pointless in my "who" and but not in my "do" if I meet meet the standard of being thin (and work like a dog from dawn to dusk.) How do I convince my brain it is wrong? I am valuable in just the skin I stand up in. God says so. Ergo, I should just be able to change my standards. Why can'/don't I? My feelings. I also feel I am pointless unless I meet my God awful standards. So I think/believe and feel I am worthless unless I am thinner and more organized. Dandy.
How do I change my thinking and feeling? I want to love and care about my "who" as much as God does. I want my "do" to follow my "who" and not vice versa. I have got to learn to love myself in whatever condition my body/house/life is in.
Good grief, Love Bea.