Monday, August 27, 2007

Cold Feet

Up to my thighs now. We are supposed to close on the house tomorrow at 9:30. I keep hoping something will go wrong. I like the house, I am tired of being a renter and...I hate going back into debt. I am afraid of going into debt. No sugar in the house yesterday to eat. I ate a whole jar of salsa.

I have prayed for guidance about this house. I have prayed the process would be halted if is not God's will for us. I am about all prayed out.

1. I am afraid we will not be able to make the bills each month.
2. I fear the discipline/deprivation of a budgeted life.
3. I fear some big disaster that we will not have the money to cope with.
4. I fear the feeling of a self induced financial mess and the attendant guilt.
5. I fear making another costly mistake about money.
6. I fear the humiliation of being broke and and in debt.
7. I fear I will have to go back to being a nurse.

Well it took six tries but I finally got to the real fear. I will have to go back to work. Not to any job but to the high paying soul killing career I know so well. The career in which I become a walking corpse that smiles. I would rather be actually dead.

"What you resist you always draw to you." From Mentor Mary. Gad. Okay time to practise what I preach. I am going to sit quietly and let the worst care scenarios wash over me. I will dive head on into the fear. I am afraid of fear. But the only way out is through.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Anonymous said...

I have to tell you how much of myself I saw in your post of Aug 24. I have those issues of never-ending pain, but have never addressed or even named the problem. I can't thank you enough for opening this new door for me, I really do feel free today. Where do you get this insight? Please, keep sharing, you just have no idea what it means to me.
Peace be with you,

Cindy174 said...

Wow, what you resist you will always draw to you...I think I may have to ponder that one and check it out. I was so gripped with anxiety when I moved this time I had physical pains. But it is wonderful now, and I am managing. You will too. You are too awesome for words.

Vickie said...

They say that very small kids/babies will not eat anything that they are allergic too, but as soon as they get older - they are actually drawn to it. . .