I have nothing scheduled for today. Nothing. I have no where I need to be and no one I need to contact. I am anxious.
I live from appointment to appointment and from mini crisis to mini crisis. I am only comfortable with a full schedule. It is like I always wear a time girdle. Without it I flop around and feel uneasy. Isn't that awful? I feel normal only if my life is constricted. Part of the perfectionist thing I think. I am a human doing. Free time signals sloth.
And yet, I am a procrastinator. If I have a gob of stuff to do I can easily sit down in the middle of it and read Harry Potter for two days at a wack. Then I run around like a headless middle aged woman trying to get everything done, perfectly. Weird. I think I may be unconsciously trying to create time crunches. I don't know why.
Still pooped from weekend. Intend today to do zilch. I hope I don't get bored. I have figured out after a whole year at this weight loss thing that boredom is death to my diet. I am used to stress and tension, i.e, intense concentration. If I am not focused on something I do not feel normal and I get anxious and eat. I don't know if this is learned behaviour or if it is part of my temperament. I wish I could make it stop. Or not. One of my main intellectual gifts has been that ability to focus. I guess I wish I could turn it on and off.
Okay enough stream of consciousness. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.