Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Free Day

I have nothing scheduled for today. Nothing. I have no where I need to be and no one I need to contact. I am anxious.

I live from appointment to appointment and from mini crisis to mini crisis. I am only comfortable with a full schedule. It is like I always wear a time girdle. Without it I flop around and feel uneasy. Isn't that awful? I feel normal only if my life is constricted. Part of the perfectionist thing I think. I am a human doing. Free time signals sloth.

And yet, I am a procrastinator. If I have a gob of stuff to do I can easily sit down in the middle of it and read Harry Potter for two days at a wack. Then I run around like a headless middle aged woman trying to get everything done, perfectly. Weird. I think I may be unconsciously trying to create time crunches. I don't know why.

Still pooped from weekend. Intend today to do zilch. I hope I don't get bored. I have figured out after a whole year at this weight loss thing that boredom is death to my diet. I am used to stress and tension, i.e, intense concentration. If I am not focused on something I do not feel normal and I get anxious and eat. I don't know if this is learned behaviour or if it is part of my temperament. I wish I could make it stop. Or not. One of my main intellectual gifts has been that ability to focus. I guess I wish I could turn it on and off.

Okay enough stream of consciousness. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.


Lori said...

It's only been with me hurting myself that I really can enjoy goofing off. As a kid, I was expected to help out and I'm glad for that. I learned how to work with the public (we sold vegetables and eggs on Saturdays) and be responsible. I did "relax" when things were bad at my house. I'd hid in my bedroom and read while there would be fights going on in the dining room. But that was an escape, not relaxation.

I still feel badly for "wasting" a weekend and not doing something constructive. But it's better. I do know how you feel. I've been accused of overthinking. :-) I hope you feel better today.

Anonymous said...

This weekend b/f worked 12 hrs each day and the kids were at their Dad's. I haven't had 2 "alone days" in YEARS. I didn't know what to do. I cleaned house, top to bottom. I tried to relax, but I would only let myself if I cleaned in between commercial breaks while I watched all my favorite shows that I normally miss during the week because of soccer practice/homework/etc. I felt "panicky" the first day not having the b/f home. At least Sunday afternoon I went out and played a few hours of v-ball.


Anonymous said...

I see myself in everything you wrote and I wonder if part of it is trying so hard to be the anti "fat, lazy slob"? I want people to view my clean office, clean car, clean home and be impressed with how hard I work. How not "lazy" I really am. Years ago I had coworkers over to my apartment and one of them kept commenting on how clean and nice it was (ths was b/f marriage/kids) He kept commenting until a friend asked him what the big deal was and he stammered well, you know,...he didn't know how to get out of not saying the fat-pig stereotype. and of course I can't get the asshole out of my head.
It goes along with the blog I was reading about eating in public. I am always conscious about not stuffing my face and ordering only healthy food. You won't catch me in McD's. At buffets I want to shout "see, I didn't get a 3rd plate like the rest of you".
Funny thing is, most people aren't keeping track of how much I eat or how little. The ones who do judge me will judge no matter what. The people who love me know I have 3 teenagers, a husband, a full-time career and don't judge my dirty house.
Now, if only I can stop judging me as well. Time alone is a treasure and sometimes I just sit with coffee and the crossword and eat up the silence.
We do too much, have too much stuff and forget the blessing simplicity and silence can bring.
take care, Carol

Nory Roth said...

Why is it that we always seem to want to "fill" space? It seems to parallel my eating patterns. Extra time? Fill it up! Extra space in your stomach? Fill it up! Extra room in the house? Fill that up too!

I really must try to remember that there is peace to be had in space. Wide open, silent spaces of time, when I have peace and quiet and time to think. Space to breathe in my waistband when there is space in my stomach. And a peace that comes from lack of clutter in the house. Not so much stuff to maintain.

Why do I forget that feeling of peace within the void? Where the "still small voice" can speak - and be heard.....

Cindy174 said...

I LOVE days with nothing to do. I have not had one in a while and I really crave one now. I hope you had a great day. I have not had a chance to post lately but I can't remember what I have been doing...the heat has gotten to me. Finally

BigAssBelle said...

ugh. this is me. it's actually me today. i am at loose ends. it's raining (finally!) and if it's not raining it's too hot to go out. i just don't know what i want to do, really. it's borderline bored, but not really. a lot i SHOULD do, but nothing i want to do. august doldrums. every year i get them. i should remember, but it doesn't make it better. hurry september.