According to family lore I was not named until five days after I was born. I was expected to die. I guess a name might have made me permanent. I was a preemie. A "blue baby" my aunt called me. I had some sort of a knot of blood vessels under my right arm above my heart. I was operated on as a new born. Scar is as thin as a wisp but is still three or four inches long. On a small baby must have almost bisected me. My paternal grandfather paid for the surgery. I found the letters after my mother died. He paid for my birth and the subsequent surgery with the understanding, legal, that Mom would never contact his son again. And that is what happened.
I have been looking at family mottoes. Has drawn me deep into my past. Dawned on me yesterday that it was hoped I would die at birth. Would have made life so much less painful for all and sundry. My life caused pain and trouble and it would have been better if I had died. I believe this. Said it out loud yesterday. Was like coming home after a long journey.
Poor baby, and child and youngster and teenager and twenty, thirty and forty year old. I am a Christian. I have been taught God loves me. I have had trouble with this miracle as a heart felt belief. But I choose to believe. I now understand the origin of my belief trouble. There is an older belief crowding out anything else. I should have died. Would have been so much better. But I stubbornly lived on to make everyone's life hell. Like my beggar belief, this one too is false.
I am in mourning I think. Mourning for all the time this false belief has contaminated. And be sure, it has reverberated down the years of my life. I am angry. So angry. All human life is precious. And loved and treasured by God. My poor stupid mother and her pernicious sisters. And the moneyed coward son, my father, who died in alcoholic poverty in a shack on the ranch his father traded for my mother and me. I am willing to forgive them. And forgiveness takes time.
I believe God makes miracles out of our messes. I am living proof. I am alive. I am blessed. And I have been given an insight which is changing my life moment to moment. God loved me and gave me life for a purpose. If the purpose is only this post it is enough. Thank you God that I breathe. Amen
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea