Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Trail Mix

I am actually vacuuming the computer room, it just looks like I'm typing. I am sick of cleaning this house from top to bottom for visitors. I wish I could keep the guests penned up in the living room. Pisses me off that they insist on sleeping and eating and using the bathroom. Oh well, such is the life of a hostess. Much as I gripe, I love having company.

I ate an entire bag of trail mix last night. This was after a full evening meal and a protein bar. I didn't want that trail mix. I did not want to eat it as I methodically munched my way through the whole bag. I started crying during the last few bites. I then immediately wanted to upchuck the whole mess but that behaviour is not available in my self destruct arsenal. So I just sat there and cried. All that salt. All those calories. I just couldn't stop. I made a joke last week about shooting myself with a rusty gun. Last night I wanted to stick and ice pick in my jugular and be done with it. No joke.

But I didn't. Today I have been thinking while dusting. It was going back on that damn food plan that set me off. The idea of not being able to have any of the trail mix forced me to eat a complete bag of it. I don't even like trail mix. It was Mark's. Or protein bars. They gag me. But, I can't have them on the food plan so was dying for one all evening. I white knuckled it until 9:30 p.m. and then I gave in. I ate a protein bar and the dam burst. I was like a steam engine powering through that bag of seeds and nuts. Gack.

My body knew it wasn't hungry but my greedy brain was determined to have its due. "Limit my intake will you" it sneered "I will show you who is really in control." And that is what it is about, control. I cannot "control" my appetite. It is primal and ravenous and ungovernable. But I can humor it. If it wants to taste the nasty trail mix, I can let it. If it wants a bite of the dry as dust protein bars I can give it one, with a giant glass of water. What I can't do is the stringent food control thing anymore. I am just not strong enough.

I was so relieved yesterday to return to my beloved food plan. No decisions and no responsibility. No monitoring my hunger level or reasons for eating. No need to be aware. It was like returning to the womb. And then my devoted plan turned around and bit me in the ass.

I am shocked, and scared. If I am not doing my food plan how am I going to eat? I don't want to go back to the "before" photo way of eating and the Intuitive Eating sure wasn't working. I have gained a solid five pounds. But let us pause. Maybe it was working. I have been eating less. Crappy tasty stuff for sure, but less of it. I know when I am full. I know what a normal portion is. I know I mainly eat because I am bored. I have been making choices about what and how much I eat. None of this was happening with the food plan or the before way of eating. Damn, damn, damn. I think I may have crossed the Rubicon.

I am mixed up but feel liberated. From what, I have yet to define. Stay tuned for the rest of the story as it plays out on my plate.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Nory Roth said...

OH, Bea,

How many, many times I have had the "Last Supper" and how many, many times I have been in despair after it. It feels like the beast within rages to life at the very prospect of deprivation. It wants what it wants, and it wants it NOW!!! Doesn't matter if it tastes good, and lord knows it's not hungry, but the beast DEMANDS to be fed. Anything -- everything -- NOW!!!

I have been reading all of your past blog entries, and I love your writing style. So much of your experience resonates with me.



Andrea K said...

I hate to say this, but when I read yesterday that you were going back on your food plan I wondered if this was going to happen to you. Not because I didn't have faith in you, but because I intimately know that cycle of restriction, deprivation and rebound eating. And because, as I've discovered, once you try this Intuitive Eating thing, it's like "The Emperor's New Clothes" -- once you have your eyes opened to how dieting affects you, it's hard to close your eyes to it afterwards.

IE is a difficult thing, though, and there are days where I don't think it's working at all. But like you said, you discover that you are eating less, that you are learning to recognize hunger and fullness. So even though you don't think it's working, it sneaks up on you.

Hang in there, and stay away from the ice pick!

Stargazer said...

Hi, I am new to reading your blog as well; I've only recently been involved with IE after 25 years of my adult life being tied up in diets and various 'food plans.' I liked your statement of crossing the Rubicon--that's exactly what it has been feeling like. IE has been hard, but it's the first time I have felt anything like real hope for many years. I've just begun to lose a little weight; the hardest thing has been acknowledging that foods I really love that have been ALWAYS forbidden on any diet I've been on...I love Italian foods with olive oil, Indian and French foods with cream and butter, etc. etc. And I am beginning to see that allowing these foods, and just keeping the portions a little smaller, really does seem to be working for me.

Thanks for being willing to share so much of your journey with us.

Cindy174 said...

The Kay Sheppard plan put me over the edge although it was very healthy. I eventually accepted that I could do some of it some of the time and none of it some of the time but never all of it all of the time. I have many memories like the one you describe of the trail mix. Halloween I sat with a bowl of candy bars, consuming all one by one and fearing that trick or treaters would show up and I would have nothing, shamefully because I ate them all. I am a rebel. Sometimes I can happily stick to a plan but I have to feel like I am choosing it. Something like that. You will survive even the salty trail mix. In fact the nuts and stuff are good for you.

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