I am actually vacuuming the computer room, it just looks like I'm typing. I am sick of cleaning this house from top to bottom for visitors. I wish I could keep the guests penned up in the living room. Pisses me off that they insist on sleeping and eating and using the bathroom. Oh well, such is the life of a hostess. Much as I gripe, I love having company.
I ate an entire bag of trail mix last night. This was after a full evening meal and a protein bar. I didn't want that trail mix. I did not want to eat it as I methodically munched my way through the whole bag. I started crying during the last few bites. I then immediately wanted to upchuck the whole mess but that behaviour is not available in my self destruct arsenal. So I just sat there and cried. All that salt. All those calories. I just couldn't stop. I made a joke last week about shooting myself with a rusty gun. Last night I wanted to stick and ice pick in my jugular and be done with it. No joke.
But I didn't. Today I have been thinking while dusting. It was going back on that damn food plan that set me off. The idea of not being able to have any of the trail mix forced me to eat a complete bag of it. I don't even like trail mix. It was Mark's. Or protein bars. They gag me. But, I can't have them on the food plan so was dying for one all evening. I white knuckled it until 9:30 p.m. and then I gave in. I ate a protein bar and the dam burst. I was like a steam engine powering through that bag of seeds and nuts. Gack.
My body knew it wasn't hungry but my greedy brain was determined to have its due. "Limit my intake will you" it sneered "I will show you who is really in control." And that is what it is about, control. I cannot "control" my appetite. It is primal and ravenous and ungovernable. But I can humor it. If it wants to taste the nasty trail mix, I can let it. If it wants a bite of the dry as dust protein bars I can give it one, with a giant glass of water. What I can't do is the stringent food control thing anymore. I am just not strong enough.
I was so relieved yesterday to return to my beloved food plan. No decisions and no responsibility. No monitoring my hunger level or reasons for eating. No need to be aware. It was like returning to the womb. And then my devoted plan turned around and bit me in the ass.
I am shocked, and scared. If I am not doing my food plan how am I going to eat? I don't want to go back to the "before" photo way of eating and the Intuitive Eating sure wasn't working. I have gained a solid five pounds. But let us pause. Maybe it was working. I have been eating less. Crappy tasty stuff for sure, but less of it. I know when I am full. I know what a normal portion is. I know I mainly eat because I am bored. I have been making choices about what and how much I eat. None of this was happening with the food plan or the before way of eating. Damn, damn, damn. I think I may have crossed the Rubicon.
I am mixed up but feel liberated. From what, I have yet to define. Stay tuned for the rest of the story as it plays out on my plate.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea