Quick Friday update. Guess who showed up last night? I had finally sat down after cleaning like a mad woman all day and what to my wondering ear should appear but whining. Little dog was laying on side porch and looking at me through the screen door. I went out side and she went nuts. Jumped all over me and licked my arms. She scratched the heck out of me. I fed her and gave her water. And petted her. She is filthy... and pregnant. I called Mark and he took her home. No one home again. She did have food and water. I stole the neighbors cat at home because they were neglecting her. I got in no end of trouble. Sigh.
Vickie what do you mean by, "When one doesn't have a 'forever' sense of the size one IS, one probably doesn't LET themselves adjust-it just feels temporary?"
I have been holding my own at 181 to 185 for a year now. Depending on the time period that is 65-75 pounds gone. And yet the weight loss feels temporary. I am a fat girl. Is is like I have locked my real self, the fatter one, in a closet. And she is impatiently waiting to be let out. Sooner rather than later I think she is going to pry the door open and emerge. I will be relieved God help me.
I don't know how to be this thinner person. I have been practising for a year now and it still feels fake. If I got fatter it would feel like I had come home. I would be normal again. Isn't that scary? Why do you suppose I feel like that?
I find myself lately adopting old fat behaviors. I am self deprecating. I am apologizing for existing. I want to wear only baggy clothing. I am in fear of every morsel I eat. I am only walking in fits and starts. I quit putting lotion on my legs. I am thinking about stopping painting my toenails. I've gone back to sensible earrings.
Do you think it is because of all the changes happening and coming up? Am I retreating to a former self because I am scared? I just don't know, but I don't like it. If we get this smaller house I am going to have to give up a bunch of stuff. I want to move forward, and this house to me feels like forward. But that is not how it looks from the outside. Looks like we are going down in the world. Old little house with no garage and no amenities. And at our age. One of my thirty year old friends asked me, "Bea is this going to have to be your forever house?" She was awash in sympathy. No it probably isn't. Because of the nature of Mark's job we move about every ten years. But, the question still threw me. Am I nuts getting rid of stuff instead of hanging on to it just in case? Should I put us deep in debt to have the kind of home expected of us? Am I secretly pining away for a big fancy house? I don't think so. Then why am I dreading getting rid of a bunch of furniture? We do not need three desks. I hate housework. I want a more streamlined lifestyle. Gad am I mixed up. And if that digging outside doesn't stop soon I am going to kill someone.
Thanks for listening. I am looking for imput so if you have any, please comment. I want to know why I am longing to go back to being a fat person?
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
P.S. Nory I checked your blog and there was nothing on it. What am I doing wrong?