Is to be able to say what I think and want and feel. I parse my words for my audience. Some of that is good, polite. Most is cowardice. I am afraid of inconveniencing or offending anyone so I say what I know is going to make people happy. I lie a lot. This behaviour makes me lose respect for myself, as well as getting me into stupid exhausting situations. I want to say my truth and let the chips fall where they may.
If I do say my truth relationships will change. I will stop being a dumping ground for other people's problems. I will have more free time because I will stop doing stuff I don't want to do. I may get more help as I will be asking for it! I will be better informed because I will ask questions until I fully understand something. (Like our insurances and Mark's retirement plan.) I will get better service. I will have more honest relationships. I will get to stop the tiresome task of making up excuses. I will be respected, even by me.
Okay then, how to go about this Herculean task? For starters I am going to begin saying nothing. If I don't have the gumption to say "No" I will say nothing. Or I will get up and leave if I don't like the conversation. I will practise polite "No" phrases. "No thank you." "Kind of you to think of me but no." "Thank you for calling but I am too tired, busy, stressed out, to talk." "Please shut the window, door, music, etc." "This is the wrong size, color, flavor, order. Please bring me another." "No I don't want to." "Leave me the hell alone." Just kidding.
Branded into my soul has been the family motto "Beggars Can't Be Choosers." Conversation with a blessed Ethel yesterday finally drove home in my mind the idiocy of this statement. I told her about my "poor in spirit as well as pocket" relatives and their hang dog attitude toward life. She quickly shot back, "If they were/are poor in spirit and you recognize it, why do you continue to believe their "beggar statement?" Why indeed?
I am not a beggar. Never have been. I am the "righteousness of God, in Christ." I am a chooser. And I choose this day to begin to say my truth. Pray for me as I will for thee.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
P.S. I seem to have bought us a house. We close on the 28th. God help me.