Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Backlash

I have run smack dab in the face of an insurmountable problem with Intuitive Eating. (Bless my linkers Helen and Vickie.) I am depressed. Bad. It has been coming on for a week or so and is now here. Like a nasty cold. Alright. I have had the black dog attacks since childhood. I know how to cope. I do everything in my power to fight off the depression. First I pray. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Then I get busy. In spite of bone dragging fatigue. I listen to cheerful music which I do not want to listen to. I read uplifting material which I do not want to read. I go out and about when I do not want to. In short I do not let the depression get the upper hand. I only attempted suicide once, but it was enough. Scared me. Not the idea of being dead but the relief I felt at the idea of shucking off this mortal coil. For a perfectionist nervous nellie the idea of no more responsibilities was intoxicating. I believe suicide to be a sin which would cut me off from God. So...I am very careful with my depressed self.

Okay back to IE and, "Feeling my feelings." How do I feel the depression without spiraling downward? I do not want to get worse. I am bad enough now. I have tried to figure out why this episode and why now? This would be getting to the core of the depression. I have not come up with much. My craving for salt and chocolate, and lack of sleep, tell me this might be hormonal. Then what do you do? I don't think I can link hormonal depression to any outside events. But wait...maybe I can. Must give us pause. Maybe I am just unwilling, again, to face my feelings. There have been several things in the past few days which could be the root cause of the depression, and I have gained three pounds. I hate doing this emotional work. So much easier to put it off and be depressed. I do not want to sit down and pick apart why I feel bad, and then feel it. Duckets. (That is one of my new curse words. It is the name of a grocery store in South Dakota.) Okay, Mark is gone for the day. The lawn is a foot high and the house is filthy. They can't get much worse. I will get a notebook and figure out what is bothering me.
I hope I don't eat, more.
Take care of yourselves. Love Bea
P.S. I am having computer problems today. Depressed and the computer is nuts. What a day I'm having.

4 comments:

Cindy174 said...

I have found that drudging up the stuff that makes me sad may be painful but relief does come. You can only do so much at a time I suppose. Or at least that is how it is for me. I write, I list things I go through everything I can think of and share it with someone. I have found the fear of remembering and the fear of feeling the real pain is often the most painful part. But I know you have been through some really rough stuff so perhaps you don't want to go it alone. Maybe there is a safe person to hold your hand in this feeling stuff. You don't have to do it alone. I have done some with a therapist and some with my AA sponsor who also happens to be a therapist, but we did not plan it that way. I have not read the Emotional Eating book so I don't know what they are suggesting. I like how you deal with your depression, I need to start putting on music. Music makes me feel good. I could talk depression for a long time. I don't mean that as a depressing statement, either. It is a condition I deal with on a regular basis. Some of the stuff that triggers it is not from the past but present things going on in my family. If you want you can e-mail me about stuff. cindymail05@yahoo.com Take extra good care of yourself.

Andrea K said...

I've dealt with depression since I was 15, and I can only say in my experience the depression comes when I'm NOT feeling my emotions and trying to push them away. The more I face the issues that are disturbing me, the more I allow myself to feel the emotions that are nagging at me, the less bouts of depression I've had. It hasn't always been pleasant or comfortable, because Lord knows I've always hated confrontation and always been terrified of standing up for myself and risking rejection. But once I've done it, there's such a relief afterwards knowing that I've done all I can to take care of myself.

I don't know the details of what's causing your depression. I know in the first few weeks of doing IE I faced tons of anxiety and really had to struggle with it and try to figure out why it was happening. I think a lot of it was fear of change -- I'm changing the coping mechanisms I've had most of my life (eating and restricting) -- and I felt like I was going through a mourning process.

I don't know if any of this helps. If there's anything I can do, please contact me. Good luck.

daisyk said...

Is "intuitive" an oxymoron when you're depressed or swallowed up in hormones? In the latter, especially, that higher part of the brain is at the mercy of your body itself.

As is the case, perhaps, with depression, if you're a seratonin anorectic like me. The cravings for chocolate fit right into that -- the sugar boosts both seratonin AND endorphins.

It's hard to be intuitive when your brain is sagging in pain or getting the run-around of hormones & sugar. Is it possible that there are SOME days you need to rest your brain from one more big task -- like intuition? It might could be those days you sort of plan what to eat in advance & try to adhere to it so that you can pay attention to the other hard things your brain is putting first.

That being said, when I'm successful at FIGHTING depression, I do things you do but I sometimes put the soundtrack of either Company or Gypsy on & wail with Elaine Stritch & Ethel Merman. Or I dance. Sometimes I FORCE the depression, like sweating out a cold, by listening to Bartok or Albinoni or Cat Stevens. Get that crying jag on!

I HATE giving advice in comments but my heart is heavy for you & I sense a LOT going on in your mind right now. Talking, if you can bear to, is a good idea too.

Cindy174 said...

I used to watch Terms of Endearment to make myself cry when I needed the relief. Then other times I have a comedy film festival to lift my spirits.