Thursday, June 21, 2007

Better Today

Thank you commenters. I am embarrassed about being depressed. Like my slip is showing. Do people even wear slips anymore? Helps to know how other people cope.

I did get a notebook and sat down to write out my depression. Mary told me years ago that depression was not a real emotion. It was fake emotion covering up the real ones. The real ones: I am mad at Mark, and worried about finances. I didn't even know I was mad. He has been attending a three day conference in Jackson. He is having a whale of a time. I am glad. He needs it. I do not begrudge him some fun. But I am coping with boring old household stuff and am not having any fun. I'm jealous. Plain and simple. So, I took yesterday and today off. No laundry, no cleaning, no dishes, no shopping, no lawn care, nothing. I also had him take me out for dinner last night. I balanced the checkbook. Not quite as bad as I feared. I felt better. Then I did a new, to me, writing exercise.

I wrote out what ever came to my mind. Beginning with, "You are a big fat slob." I filled two pages with this nonsense. It was like the floodgates opened and a tsunami of venom poured forth. A big surprise. I thought I was done with all that self hatred stuff. It must be like waxy build up. Every so often you have to pour bleach on it an clean it down to the ground. I am not sure if this was an old layer of self hatred I tapped into and cleaned out, or if it is current and self renewing. I kind of think this was an old layer. I don't hate myself anymore. The exact opposite in fact. More and more I begin to see myself as a sparky little number. I may not have all the graces, but I got enough.

This brings me to nourishment. I am undernourished. All 184 pounds of me. I am still reading, "The Rules of Normal Eating," by Karen Koenig and it is taking me apart at the seems. One of the exercises in the book prompted me to list all my favorite foods, and give reasons why. Taste came up frequently but the one word that kept repeating was nourishing. I love nourishing food. Okay.... What did I mean by nourishing? This took some digging. Foods that will take care of me? Sort of but not quite. Food that will fill me up? Closer but not yet it. Food that will help my body grow. Help it grow? It has grown quite enough thank you. I sat with the 'help it grow' phrase for quite a while. Then I knew. The skinny kid that Mom did not feed is still worried about not getting enough food to grow up. So I fed her. I visualized me at four or five sitting at a table and eating every kind of soup and bread I could imagine. (My version of nourishing food.) She was having a whale of a time. I left her there.

I feel great today. I had a slice of raisin toast and cream cheese, and fruit for breakfast, and some hamburgery bean dip for lunch with whole wheat crackers. I never eat raisin toast or bean dip or crackers. I enjoyed the heck out of all of it. I didn't weigh myself.

I had a massage today. I am apparently "connected to the universe" again. I also weigh only six more pounds than my massage therapist. She looks great. Has gobs of muscles. Wonder what I would look like with gobs of muscles?

Off to do nothing. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

I'm so glad to hear the black clouds are receding. I get those moments too, and sometimes you do have to do some mental housecleaning like you did to pinpoint the real problem.

I am currently re-reading "Normal Eating" for what might be the third time, and each time I have new "aha" moments about different topics. I've started highlighting and putting notes in the margins in sections that really pertain to me. I hope you're getting some benefits from it.

Karen Koenig also has a great blog with posts that address a lot of the day-to-day issues we go through as we give up dieting and try to eat intuitively. You can check it out at www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/healthy/