Friday, June 1, 2007

Per Chance to Dream

I am stove up. In the last two weeks we have had four mattresses. Today I can't turn my neck to the left. (Mark says not being able to turn to the left is a good thing....) The latest mattress was akin to sleeping on the ground, with a pillow top. The first was too soft, the second was too hard, the third was weird (memory foam) and this last one is not the one I chose in the showroom. These mattresses all came from different places. All cost about $1400. I am having to fight to get a comfortable mattress. I am no good at fighting.

Each time I have wanted to give in and keep the uncomfortable expensive mistake. I hate having to call and say come and take it back. I feel am inconveniencing people and "cheating" them out of the money they would have made on the sale. I am overly apologetic when they come to pick up the reject. Some of the moving men have been rude. But I am not giving in or up on this. I am learning how to build my "take care of me" muscles.

The wedding was emotionally hard and the journey long. Came home tired to then sleep on my various beds of pain. Mark's job went nuts. I still don't have all the laundry done. The lawn is dry and full of weeds. The neighbor keeps leaving sprinklers on the porch. I know the damn lawn needs looking after. I'm getting to it. And, if she leaves another Rain Bird on the step I am going to clock her with it. The threat of having to move again has also reared its ugly head. I am drained.

I needed to sit for a day and regroup. Then tackle life. I now have the leisure to do this. Could I do it? Nope. That darn work ethic is bred in my bones. Only weaklings sit and rest when they are emotionally tired. Twelve hours of good, hard manual labor earns the reward of rest. Otherwise I am being self indulgent. And weak. And in my immigrant agricultural heritage only the strong survived. But, I go bonkers without time to rest and regroup. I get sick and scared. To stop those feelings I eat.

I am weak. There I said it. I am nervous and self indulgent. I am not a stoic farm woman who can pull a plow and raise twelve children. I am emotionally high maintenance. I have to feel and process everything. This takes time and energy. Energy and time I should be using for manual labor. I would like to live in a small house with a small yard with no commitments and few friends and relations. Then I could take proper care of it all and still have time left to feel and process.

So today, days late, I am trying to take it easy. I am fighting the mattress war and I will water the f-ing lawn. Otherwise, nada.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Cindy174 said...

Stoic farm women died young. Go for longevity and take a long break. Think of resting as the "work" of being healthy. It takes effort, too. Mental effort wears me out more than manual labor, but it is worth it. I have a good friend who also fought the matterss war. She won and it was worth the battle. She was tired all the time from not sleeping well and noticed a difference immediately. Think of all the time you spend on the mattress.. I am glad you are fighting for yourself and taking care of you even though you still have the pangs of resistence. Your friend, the Panda.

BigAssBelle said...

bea, i don't think you're weak, i think you're human. i also struggle with allowing myself to be human, though much of the time i'm flogging myself to perform is spent assuring others it's okay to just not perform, don't do, take a break, relax.

why these rigid standards for ourselves? i really think a lot of my do for others dysfunction is rooted in sunday school. sad, but true. i understand thinking of others better after my 12 step indoctrination, but all i heard growing up was selfish selfish selfish and how that would take me to hell, while constantly doing for others would assure a golden crown after i died early of exhaustion.

(Mark says not being able to turn to the left is a good thing....) that funny man :-)

BigAssBelle said...

i don't know if it's age or what, but i find myself increasingly princess-and-the-pea-like. no mattress suits me, featherbeds don't help, memory foam. i toss and turn all night and i keep thinking if i could JUST find the right combination, all would be well.