Monday, June 25, 2007

My Duty

"I will never starve. Never." "There is more where that came from." "Good food is good to eat." "One dessert is not going to send you over the edge."

I repeated these statements to my self all weekend. Sort of worked. But the addiction mentality is grooved deep in my brain. If I eat one of anything sugary/fatty it will set up a chain reaction and I will be face down in a tub of peanut M&M's in a second. And I will not be able to stop as I can never be satisfied. That is BULLSHIT. (I know, I was going to stop swearing.) I can be satisfied. Unless I am hungry, if I have a craving, one bite is enough. If I am not hungry and a moderate amount does not satisfy the craving, then I am feeding my emotions not my body. I CAN get enough and be satisfied.

So why doesn't it feel like it? We went to a barbecue. I made a good gooey chocolate dessert. I did okay at the BBQ but then I had to bring the rest of the dessert home. Red flag time. It hollered, shouted, begged, cajoled, reminded and finally enticed me to eat it. Not all of it, but a big piece of it. I was not hungry and was relaxed. I just wanted to eat it. It was like it was my duty to eat it. I am a fat person and fat people eat left over gooey chocolate desserts. How lame is that? My thinking is as habitual as my actions. If this IE is going to work I have to change my thinking. For starters I need to undefine my self as a fat person. I am a person. I no longer have to act out my conception's of "fat person." I can choose to think and act like a normal eater. I can act like Mark. He does not hear the siren song of sugar/fat. He can let a bowl of ice cream melt at his elbow and then throw it away. Said he forgot it! I too can learn to forget. Maybe.... Eventually.... Until then I can have a small piece of gooey dessert to shut the voices up, and then get on with something else.

I learned much this weekend. Trouble is I don't just want to learn, I want to lose weight. Gad do I have a long way to go before I even totally understand the concept of IE. Let alone practise it. Oh well, the only way forward, is forward.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea

1 comment:

Andrea K said...

I struggled a lot this past weekend, too. Change is hard, and it takes time, and it happens a little at a time, not all at once. The fact that you are beginning to step out of your "self" to view the beliefs and behaviors is proof that you're becoming more conscious of what you're doing. That's the beginning.

Tonight at my daughter's gymnastics lesson her coach said something so profound I had to grab a pen and write it on a piece of scrap paper to share with my blog friends. He said, "When we're learning something new, I don't expect you to get it right immediately. You don't have to do it right, but I want to see some kind of change." Meaning some kind of effort to get closer to right.

That hit me right between the eyes. This IE stuff is new to us, so it would be crazy to get it right immediately. We just have to show some kind of change. And we're both doing that. So keep up the good work.