Wednesday, June 6, 2007


Had my monthly massage today. Was told I had no energy flow. None. Seems I am stopped up on a cosmic level.

I knew I felt awful but attributed the draggy feeling to a busy past couple of weeks. Was told my lethargy arose from not being "grounded." I have somehow unhitched my chakras from the energy filled "earth and sky." I am "floating in a void." For this piece of cheerful info I paid $60 an hour?

But...she may have something. I am free floating. A part of me was loosed at that wedding. I have let Tammi push me around with her moods and sulks for 20 some years. I have always felt responsible for her bad attitudes. I felt rewarded if I could jolly her out of them. If she felt better then I could feel better. But if she would not be cheered up then I was also doomed to the doldrums. As I was gleefully dancing at the reception I had an epiphany. I realized I didn't give a rat's ass if Tammi sat in that kitchen 'til her butt grew to the chair. I just didn't care. I was having a good time in spite of her misery. Her moods no longer controlled me. This feeling shocked, and shocks, the heck out of me. It is the real reason why I have felt drained and guilty. If you love someone aren't you supposed to suffer with and for them? If I don't own Tammi's misery maybe I no longer love my dear childhood friend? If I separate my self from her pain I feel like I am not loving her. And that is the only reason I exist. To love others. It is my job. Gad. What a lot of abuser driven pseudo-Christian mumbo-jumbo I am toting around.

I got mad. I am still mad. Why have I wasted half of my life trying to cheer people up who are determined to be miserable? And why am I always trying to placate people? And why can't I ask for what I want without feeling guilty? Why have I not assumed ownership of my life? The abuse plays half the role. My abusers manipulated me into sex and/or proscribed behaviour by threatening to withdraw love. Anger also cut me off from the people on whom I depended for love. Misguided early Christian teaching is the other half of the equation. Bearing one another's burdens and turning the other cheek were given to me as examples of perfected Christian life. And we all know how I love a perfection. I was taught Christ would not love me if I did not model his life as a "suffering servant." And boy did I want to be loved. So if you wanted me to completely comply with your wishes all you had to do was get mad at me and or just hint you didn't love me. I was your for the taking.

But no more. I am loved. By God first and me second, and then by a surprising plethora of Blessed people. Mark is at the top of the list. I do not have to give my self away anymore to be loved. I do not have to let myself be manipulated by a withdrawal of love if I know God loves me and I love me. I think finally understanding this is what is freeing me.

I love Tammi and want her to be happy, but I refuse to be miserable with her. Even in my own mind. I am not being unloving and disloyal if I have a happy life in spite of her unhappiness. If she wants help I will give it, but if not, I am going to keep dancing at the wedding.

Hey I think I just found some solid ground.

Take care of yourselves. Love Bea


Andrea K said...

These last two posts have been great. You are so right about not being dragged down into other people's unhappiness. We can only do so much for people; they eventually have to take some responsibility for their own lives.

Over the years I've had to distance myself from people who refused to be anything but miserable and suck everyone into that vortex with them. I finally got the strength to fight against it, and while I may have burned one bridge, the other's still up, but I have no desire to cross it.

Good luck getting yourself grounded again!

Anonymous said...

Ugh, this post reminded me of my shitty 15 yr marriage - always on eggshells, always trying to make life perfect so MAYBE he would be happy and love me, and the kids, and then I could be truly happy. What a waste of time. It's STILL hard for me to truly enjoy something, ANYTHING, without the guilt that comes with it. But I continue to work on it.

Cindy in CO

Beula said...

Good for you Cindy.

BigAssBelle said...

what a great insight. i let go of a lifelong friend when i met mike and she simply could not get over it. it was the strangest thing. but it just went on and on and on and she was furious and pouting and depressed because we were not spending every waking moment together any longer. it finally hit me that there was nothing i could do to make her better. if my falling in love with a good man made her angry, then she needed to deal with it and i couldn't fix it.

crazy stuff, this friendship thing. ends up feeling as if i am owned by another. good for you.