Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Deadly Serious

I don't do fun. Yes I enjoy myself in all sorts of permutations, but I don't have much fun. Some of it is my basic personality type, but most of it is choice. To have fun is to be hopeful. I have not been very hopeful. Fearful yes. Hopeful no. And yet I believe in hope, as a concept. As a life choice however, it has just seemed naive. If you never expect anything then you are never disappointed. And, you never have any darn fun.

I hate being disappointed. It feels like dying. I have avoided disappointment at all costs for years. Hence I haven't risked much. But I am going to take some risks. I can survive being disappointed. This is new thinking. I can survive awful emotions. The pain will not kill me. And, big surprise, I am an adept at tolerating pain. I thought I was a wimp who wilted under any kind of pain. Nay not so. I am good at enduring pain. I have done it since childhood. I just fear it. But now that I know I am brave, and I will survive, I can endure. So...back to fun.

Andrea and I love our bicycles. On mine I am ten years old. The whole of life and its endless wonderful possibilities open out to me as I ride. The wind whistles through my helmet and tugs at my jacket and I am free. Free. The beauty of this word sings in my soul. I have begun having a new emotion as I ride. It feels like bubbles. In my stomach maybe. It is elusive. I can hardly name it. It is excitement for sure. (Another deficient emotion.) The new emotion says, "Something wonderful is going to happen." "Watch and wait and expect miracles." Hope. I have finally tapped into hope. The balance of my life can be filled with hope. I can look forward to grace and fun. The second half of my life will be better than the first. Good things will happen to me. (I sound like Oral Roberts.) I will risk it.

Mark and I had a water fight last night. He is a funster from way back. He says one of my problems was/is a lack of siblings. I never learned to play. He is going to teach me. Says I am hampered at games because I run like a girl.... Who knew, all these years I thought it was just because I was fat as a horse. I also whine if I get hurt. Apparently this is verboten in games. Running and whining can be fixed and I can learn to play he says. I hope to God this is not just another one of his crackpot theories. But if it is, oh well, at least I will have had some fun. We are going to go to the carnival at the fair tonight.

Take care of yourselves. Have some fun. Love Bea.

P.S. So far I still have water. There is a big hole in the front lawn and a thing like a water heater is laying out there. I think it is some sort of valve shut off deal. Very interesting. I see why all the old pipes froze in the winter. They are barely below the surface. They seem to be burying the new ones deeper. And so it goes.


Andrea K said...

It rained today and I didn't get to ride my bike to work and I was surprisingly disappointed by this.

I've always had trouble with fun and game playing. I had a sibling, but I'm pretty sure she had a low spectrum case of Asperger's Syndrome (they didn't diagnose those autism type disorders much back in the day) and really lived in her own little universe. Maybe because of this, and parent issues combined, I became a miniature adult way too early in life and sort of forgot how to be a carefree, hopeful, devil-may-care kid. Like you, I was terrified of disappointment, so I was not a risk taker and kept my expectations so low they hardly existed.

Like Mark, my husband has been trying to teach me how to become a kid again. It's a hard job for him. The worst time was very early in our relationship when we were roughhousing around like a couple of kids, and he held me down and tickled me. I had a full-blown anxiety attack. As my daughter says, "You've really got some issues on your issues."
But it's getting better.

P.S. We have our phone and cable back on again, and our porch is almost done. Things might actually soon get back to normal around here. Except for the growing hole in our kitchen linoleum... but with two Lab puppies there's not much we can do about that until we can get our yard fenced in (with luxurious sleeping quarters) and can get them out of the kitchen long enough to replace the floor. The joys of home ownership -- and puppies.

Helen said...

Fun is the best thing to have. Good for you! :-)