I don't do fun. Yes I enjoy myself in all sorts of permutations, but I don't have much fun. Some of it is my basic personality type, but most of it is choice. To have fun is to be hopeful. I have not been very hopeful. Fearful yes. Hopeful no. And yet I believe in hope, as a concept. As a life choice however, it has just seemed naive. If you never expect anything then you are never disappointed. And, you never have any darn fun.
I hate being disappointed. It feels like dying. I have avoided disappointment at all costs for years. Hence I haven't risked much. But I am going to take some risks. I can survive being disappointed. This is new thinking. I can survive awful emotions. The pain will not kill me. And, big surprise, I am an adept at tolerating pain. I thought I was a wimp who wilted under any kind of pain. Nay not so. I am good at enduring pain. I have done it since childhood. I just fear it. But now that I know I am brave, and I will survive, I can endure. So...back to fun.
Andrea and I love our bicycles. On mine I am ten years old. The whole of life and its endless wonderful possibilities open out to me as I ride. The wind whistles through my helmet and tugs at my jacket and I am free. Free. The beauty of this word sings in my soul. I have begun having a new emotion as I ride. It feels like bubbles. In my stomach maybe. It is elusive. I can hardly name it. It is excitement for sure. (Another deficient emotion.) The new emotion says, "Something wonderful is going to happen." "Watch and wait and expect miracles." Hope. I have finally tapped into hope. The balance of my life can be filled with hope. I can look forward to grace and fun. The second half of my life will be better than the first. Good things will happen to me. (I sound like Oral Roberts.) I will risk it.
Mark and I had a water fight last night. He is a funster from way back. He says one of my problems was/is a lack of siblings. I never learned to play. He is going to teach me. Says I am hampered at games because I run like a girl.... Who knew, all these years I thought it was just because I was fat as a horse. I also whine if I get hurt. Apparently this is verboten in games. Running and whining can be fixed and I can learn to play he says. I hope to God this is not just another one of his crackpot theories. But if it is, oh well, at least I will have had some fun. We are going to go to the carnival at the fair tonight.
Take care of yourselves. Have some fun. Love Bea.
P.S. So far I still have water. There is a big hole in the front lawn and a thing like a water heater is laying out there. I think it is some sort of valve shut off deal. Very interesting. I see why all the old pipes froze in the winter. They are barely below the surface. They seem to be burying the new ones deeper. And so it goes.